General First time poster - supporter or punch bag?

[Milo's papa]

@ByrnesT, I have been in your position with my sufferer/ wife since I met her 35 years ago. At the time we didn't know she had CPTSD.
Her past and all the abuse that went with it was totally suppressed. It wasn't until my daughter was hit by a car on her way to school that all of the walls she had built up crashed down at once. That was 10 years ago. She has been in therapy 3-6 times a week and fighting very hard to get back to where she was.
There are still many times that she lashes out at me. She has been telling me for several years that our marriage is hanging on by a thread. I love this woman with all my being, yet I know that the first person I have to take care of in this relationship is me. It will be the saddest day of my life if we can't make things work out, but all I can do is my best. Like you, I have been accused of things that never happened, said things I never said, ECT..... I have even been in therapy session with her to try and get this worked out. It doesn't last long though.
My advice to you is quite simple. Give her an ultimatum: either she starts therapy and sticks with it or you leave. You can't allow her to destroy your mental health.
I'm sorry for being so blunt, but that is the only way I know for you to help her and still protect your your own mental health.
I wish you all the best, and I wish the same for her.

 

[ByrnesT]

Reading this has mirrored exactly my relationship. I have been with my wife for 14 years, married for 12...

Sorry to hear what you’re going through @Ja_yne . I wish I was in a better position to offer experience or guidance but I think I seem to be losing the battle of this illness & maybe losing my partner for good. So I am not sure I am necessarily in the best position to say much. Other than to repeat what others have told me which is to make sure to look after yourself first.

 

[ByrnesT]

@ByrnesT, I have been in your position with my sufferer/ wife since I met her 35...

Thank you @Milo's papa for sharing. Yes I haven’t been in this situation as long as you but I fully respect & applaud your resolve. I think it’s the being accused of things I haven’t said/done/implied etc etc that kills me so much when I’m trying so hard to be her everything. Clearly you know a lot about that.

Well as things stand I think things may have reached the end for me & my partner. She has ran from me so many times it’s hard to really know. But something about this just feels different.

But you’re absolutely right, she owes it to herself first & then to us to get help. I’m not sure I see any sign that is going to happen still. And yes, just lately I’ve started to feel like I’m losing myself to this too. So I have done all I can do & I have reached out for some help for myself with a therapist. I’m very aware that it has been consuming my every waking thought lately whilst also aware that I’m never going to resolve anything in my own head. Only one session in but it felt good to be able to finally talk to someone & reassuring to hear I’m not the crazy monster I’m described as!

When the therapist physically winces & looks like crying when you describe things your partner has done to you, you start to believe that maybe you were right to feel let down & upset.

 

[Justmehere]

Many kudos to you for getting help and seeing the therapist. Good rant!

May the anger fuel you further towards setting boundaries and getting away from this terrible behavior and treatment of you.

:hug:

 

[ByrnesT]

Many kudos to you for getting help and seeing the therapist. Good rant!

May the anger fuel you fur...

Thank you @Justmehere . Yes I really did rant in my other thread...actually, in all my threads! Haha!

Yes I’m proud of myself for seeing a therapist to be honest. I’ve never seen it as a sign of weakness, quite the opposite. I felt myself needing an outlet so I did it.

Problem is is I rant & complain about what I see as pretty bad behaviour at times on here...but the aftermath is I feel guilty for putting this all online for strangers to read. Maybe even for her to discover. I don’t feel silly talking to a therapist, but I can feel bad about writing here. Like I should just “man up” about it!

 

[Freida]

Take care of yourself first. Two reasons: One, if she leaves for good you will need to be in a place you can cope. Two: if you decide to stay with her (your choice!) then she will need you to be stable and strong. My hubby is sometimes the only thing that can get me grounded, and when he has had a bad day or in a bad place it takes next to nothing to make me want to bail because I've lost my anchor.

 

[ByrnesT]

Thank you @Freida . The conundrum I find with managing all these things as a supporter is that on the one hand she as a sufferer needs to know I’m solid, stable & not going to leave. She’s going to need that security. Yet at same time, I need to look after myself. Which in my case may mean protecting myself by leaving because I’m hurting & she’s making no effort to change. But then i feel terribly guilty at the thought of letting her down.

I know she’s not doing anything to help herself, therefore in a way it’s not my responsibility to worry. I can say I’ve tried, she isn’t. I’ve done all I can.

Just doesn’t quite work as simply as that when you’re so emotionally attached does it.

 

[Justmehere]

Many kudos to you for getting help and seeing the therapist...

Oh damn. I was sick yesterday and had two screens open and totally meant to post on your other thread ... I’m so sorry for my error - although the response does fit this thread well too!

You are taking good steps of strength to deal with this by getting help. Let go of the “man up” attitude - it won’t help.

When the therapist physically winces & looks like crying when you describe things your partner has done to you, you start to believe that maybe you were right to feel let down & upset.

Hang on to this! I hope that over time, you won’t need our validation or the therapist's validation to know, it’s legit to feel let down and upset about what’s been going on and that you learn to trust yourself again. :hug:

 

[ByrnesT]

Oh damn. I was sick yesterday and had two screens open and totally meant to post on your other threa...

Thank you again @Justmehere . No problems about where you posted your reply, my threads are probably really very similar anyway haha!

Yeah I’m fighting against the “man up” thing by still being here & sharing with people who understand from both sides of the fence. And people are being so nice & it is a much needed comfort believe me. Guess there’s that nagging little voice of hers in my head telling me that all I’m doing is coming on here to character assassinate her, I think I’m so perfect, I’m only telling my side of the story, I am cruel, I have supposedly treated her terribly too...& I KNOW that’s not true, but still, you hear certain things enough times...

Yes I’m trying to desperately cling onto my sense of logic & reality & I have always known that some of these things that have happened are really quite bad. They're the type of things where just one of these incidents could destroy a lot of relationships, yet I’ve been living them week in week out. But like I say, you get told things enough times & you do doubt yourself.

But I think overall I have a pretty strong character & even tho I’ll admit it’s been starting to crack under the weight a little lately, I will not let it beat me. I just need to do a little work for myself right now to rebuild that resolve & really assess what is going on after that. But for now, as pathetic as it makes me feel a little, I have needed that validation you mention.

 

[Justmehere]

I think I’m so perfect, I’m only telling my side of the story, I am cruel, I have supposedly treated her terribly too...& I KNOW that’s not true, but still, you hear certain things enough times...

Yeah. PTSD sufferers who survived chronic abuse really get how one can hear something so many times... and it gets internalized... and becomes a voice that someone has to wrestle with..

So let’s look at this objectively and challenge these internalized messages: has anyone said you are perfect? Nope. Far from it. People are encouraging you to make hard changes.

Of course you are only telling your side of the story. That’s what’s this place is for: people telling their stories. She’s welcome to get help and tell her side of the story in therapy and etc, but she refuses.

Your side of the story matters.

As far as you being cruel and etc. No matter what she thinks you have done,not what you have done, it doesn’t make her actions ok. It doesn’t work that way. One doesn’t get a free pass to treat a partner like a punching bag if their partner is cruel. Most of the changes you have been encouraged to make are the same things that would be said even if you were being cruel to her. And I don’t think you are being cruel, and I assume that you’ve made mistakes too. We all do in these tough relationships where mental illness is involved.

You are of strong character. Better days are ahead for you.

Keep challenging these unhelpful distorted messages you have internalized from her and keep doing the good work you are doing. :hug:

 

[ByrnesT]

@Justmehere 100% I am not perfect! If I was perfect I wouldn’t be on here searching for help, I wouldn’t be seeing a therapist, I wouldn’t be so cut up about all this & questioning everything...!

And believe me no I have not always handled this “illness” that she may or may not have well. But I have absolutely tried to learn all by myself & do my very best and I have tried different approaches. But when nothing works & nothing generates any different reaction from her, have I eventually lost my composure? You better believe i have! As I described in a post last night, do I end up stupidly shouting at her to stop shouting at me?! Yep! Pointless? Yep! Totally ridiculous on my part? Yep! And far from my only mistake!

You have summed up so much of my thinking. As you say, even if I am this cruel partner she describes, why you yourself be cruel? What could I have possibly done that could justify you walking away from me talking about my Mum dying? Or the anger on her part that followed that even tho I hadn’t gotten angry in the slightest, just upset. No matter what she believes me to be, that seems pretty messed up to me.

And as you say, the advice is all the same. Get help, do therapy, share with understanding people, etc. I think the fact I am doing those things now in itself tells me I can’t be all that bad. That I’m following the best path. Wish she’d join me on it, but if I have to walk it alone then so be it I guess.

 

[Freida]

Guess there’s that nagging little voice of hers in my head telling me that all I’m doing is coming on here to character assassinate her, I think I’m so perfect, I’m only telling my side of the story, I am cruel, I have supposedly treated her terribly too...& I KNOW that’s not true, but still, you hear certain things enough times...

here's a friendly smack upside the head to reinforce that you are NOT doing any of those things! You are obviously in pain because you love her and want the best for her, but also need help keeping your own sanity. You have done nothing to make her look like a horrible person. If anything, you have been extremely careful to show her as someone who is sick - and doesn't quite realize they need to do step A,B,C to get better. You have even asked for help for her as well as you! So put that stuff away -- or bring it back out and we can squash it together :hug:

. I think the fact I am doing those things now in itself tells me I can’t be all that bad. That I’m following the best path. Wish she’d join me on it, but if I have to walk it alone then so be it I guess.

exactly!!!