Where am i going?

[nowthisisme]

I don't know where this road is taking me. What's the point of all this? The journey to "heal".. what the hell does that mean.
You have to work through the trama .. why? What am I supposed to gain from it? Why am I traumatizing myself over and over again ..

Since I've been diagnoised its just getting worse .. I can't focus, I'm always in a fog, I can't remember anything, cant read anymore, .. my brain is just mushed. I hate talking to people i spend most of my days in bed or on the couch .. what the hell is the point of all this?!

My T says there is an end, there is a point where I become a survivor rather then a victim.. that one day I will be able to get up and fight for whats right and help others the way i want to.

I can't see that day .. when i can't even have a 5min conversation with someone how the hell am I expected to tell anyone what happened to me.

I am giving up on this, I'm at a bottom low, I can't enjoy anything, I smile with others but my heart is broken, I am losing hope in this life and its scaring the hell out of me.

I am not suicidal but I don't know what's the point of staying alive ..

 

[Deleted member 45408]

I understand...but what is the point of dying? we don't know the after life ..what if its worse...try to live for the good moments..what I'm TRYING to do

 

[nowthisisme]

I understand...but what is the point of dying? we don't know the after life ..what if its worse...try to...

I really am trying to live for the good moments. I cherish them and constantly remind myself of them.

But there is so much evil in the world ... it's scary .. I kid myself into thinking i might make a difference but I'm not strong enough to.

Thank you for replying, it means a lot to know that someone cares

 

[Deleted member 45408]

believe me...I'm scared too...so hard not to think about it..its nice too know..im not the only one who feels like this

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

Maybe you just need to take a break?

 

[ladee]

You might not be able to make a difference yet, but you already made a difference with @ab1995 , and she made a difference with you..
That's what being here is about... the understanding that only we have for each other...

I have asked myself many times 'what's the point?", and got up the next day and did this all over again... I can tell you there is a point.. and our lives do get better, much better.. I'm sharing my own experience here..why do we have to do it this way, don't know, but it works...
And guess until they can come up with a lobotomy for only the trauma part, we do what we have to do...

Glad both of you are here, @nowthisisme and @ab1995 .... hope you both find the help you need here.... we do understand.

 

[nowthisisme]

believe me...I'm scared too...so hard not to think about it..its nice too know..im not the only one who...

Hugs to you if you accept. :hug:
Your not alone. I'm sorry we are both going through this.

 

[Deleted member 45408]

hugs!

 

[nowthisisme]

Hugs.

Maybe you just need to take a break?

Thanks for the hug. I really need it.

Well I thought I needed a break, hoped on a plane and came to visit family, I think that was a bad move. I miss my husband and kids dearly and i really need a session with my T.
I have no support here and no one knows my struggles. It was a very bad move coming here. I haven't slept in 48 hours ... just laying down scared.

Thank you for replying :hug:

 

[Deleted member 45408]

I moved closer to my family recently..making my ptsd worse then better..

 

[nowthisisme]

You might not be able to make a difference yet, but you already made a difference with @ab199...

Omg thank you for your post. It touched my heart, I needed that.

Knowing I'm not alone helps but it's also painful. I don't want others feeling what I'm feeling, it's just a painful heartbreaking feeling.

It feels like a big shadow over you trying to suck the life out of you and replace it with fear and evil, your trying to fight it but your arms are numb and to weak to push it away. I feel helpless.

Thank you for your reply, you made a difference in me.

I moved closer to my family recently..making my ptsd worse then better..

Unfortunately family tends to make it worse if they don't understand what your going through. I came to visit my extended family, they don't know I have PTSD and i dont plan on telling them.

I thought if i just come here and enjoy my time with them that I will be OK. That I can somehow forget about it. It didn't work. I wasn't ready for this trip and know I have to suck it up and pretend i am ok and having fun for another week. :unsure:

 

[ladee]

But we DO feel this way, all of us are different stage of healing... we learn from those that have gone before us, and lend a hand up to those coming up behind us... it how it works.... many of us have accepted we have PTSD and just do the work, and get the pay offs and come here and share about both...
Glad you are here.