Relationship Any luck/tips getting your issues resolved with your so?

[Hojay]

Here's the cycle: I have an issue I need to discuss (not a you-left-the-toilet-seat-up kind of problem, but relationship-defining stuff), I attempt to discuss it, it goes well for 10 minutes, then my SO takes a wrong turn, lashes out, and off he goes to nurse an episode. (Has a lot to do with cognitive distortions about what he thinks I'm saying. I think.)

There's a protocol in place that we'll end the conversation when it escalates. That's all well and good. But then what?

The issue hasn't been resolved and I'm not about to drop it. But that, apparently, is what's asked of me. My SO goes into panic mode, which can last anywhere from a day to months. At some point he will calm down, and go back to acting as if nothing has happened. It almost seems like he's just waiting for me to forget I had an issue, which I do often, due to the chaos his episodes create. This had led me to some dark and dirty thoughts about him either doing all this on purpose to make me drop the subject, or at the very least appreciating the convenient side effect of me backing off until I forget about it.

Even when he's back on track, the cycle often continues when I try to raise the issue again.

Has anyone had any luck getting your issues properly resolved? Sure, emotional topics, issues that can sound shaming or blaming, are triggering (at least to my partner.) But there has GOT to be a way to crack this nut without torturing him or selling out my own boundaries and needs.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Here's the cycle: I have an issue I need to discuss (not a you-left-the-toilet-seat-up kind of problem, b...

I believe in the past we worked out delicate issues by me reiterating that communication is very important. I would also have to become very firm about the subject, firm not argue. He would understand after a while.

 

[Hojay]

I would also have to become very firm about the subject, firm not argue.

Yes, tone is important. I've adopted a firm, yet very mild, non-confrontational attitude (even though I'd like to just explode in anger sometimes,) but what I get in return most of the time is him telling me in an equally firm, mild, and non-confrontational tone that he understands we need to talk about it. That's it, anything further, no matter how mild or non-confrontational, starts up the cycle once more. Of course I'm willing and, like I'm demonstrating, able to wait it out (especially when he's throwing me breadcrumbs that we'll talk about it soon,) but heck if there isn't a limit to that...

 

[scout86]

What does "resolving the issue" look like to you? If you could totally control and dictate the process and result, how would you structure it?

 

[Hojay]

That's a really good question @scout86. If I could completely dictate how these situation proceeded, I would be able to voice my feelings, concerns, and hurt until I feel I've adequately explained myself (I don't even get to this level, for the record.) I would then expect some type of explanatory information in return, so I could better understand what it is I/we/he are dealing with. Then we would come to some kind of agreement on what that means and how to proceed in the future in a constructive way. I don't expect this to go down without some degree of frustration, and he doesn't have to agree with everything I say, that's just the normal stuff of arguments. But it won't feel resolved until it's been laid out on the table, acknowledged from both sides, and integrated into a plan for moving forward.

He's capable of it, or else I wouldn't still be here. But not very often, and less in proportion to how "serious" my issue is. As it stands now, I don't get passed saying I have one.

 

[Never_falter2]

What issue is it? Or is it something you do not want to discuss.
My man never freaks out but he likes to „emotionally isolate“ during an argument. By this I mean that he a) cracks jokes about the topic or b) agrees to everything I say while thinking „f*ck you“ or c) starts talking about another topic.

I sometimes solve the issue by just treatening to do what I like... like „Okay, You don‘t want me to spend money on X small item we can afford but cannot tell me why/you do not want me to dress in a short skirt but cannot tell me why/you want to give our children candybars but have no answer when I say they are not healthful. So listen up: I am going to take your wallet, take some money and spend it on x cheap item (or order it online), I am gonna visit my friend x wearing a short skirt cause there is no nasty men around and if you give the children candybars I am going to take them away from them and throw them into the trash because they eat to much sweets“. Then he suddenly thinks of reasons why he wants to do/wants me to do what he wants... or sometimes I just win which is also fine.

 

[Hojay]

I sometimes solve the issue by just treatening to do what I like...Then he suddenly thinks of reasons why he wants to do/wants me to do what he wants... or sometimes I just win which is also fine.

Ah, the good old emotional blackmail :) No offense or judgement, it very much works sometimes. I just got the chills thinking what my SO would do if I said that. I don't think I'd ever hear the end about how I'm emotionally blackmailing him or threatening him. I think he'd just say, "Sure, do it. If you never want to hear from me again." It'd be an empty threat, but only one he would make to point out how out of line I am manipulating him in that way. He sure holds me to a standard of conduct he often doesn't adhere to himself...

What issue is it?

I'm a little hesitant to be honest. I just don't want to open up the discussion to judgement or projection about cheating or the like.

But I'll throw it out there. The issue is trust. Two months ago I caught him trying to delete a text message by some woman because he was afraid I'd see it and get the wrong idea (I can get suspicious due to my own history.) I saw him doing it, immediately confronted him, and he swore up and down that it was an idiot split-second decision to delete this message, and that he did it to avoid unnecessary conflict about nothing. Well, it was a big deal and he created his own conflict. I've since come to realize that I really don't think he was trying to cover up cheating or the like. I do believe it was an idiot move. But beyond him telling me, "yeah, that was stupid and there's nothing going on with that woman," he hasn't been able to talk about it to a point that I'm 100% comfortable trusting what he's saying. As soon as I broach the subject he panics and gets triggered by (what he says) feeling blamed, shamed, and not believed (all childhood trauma stuff,) and the topic is closed.

I need to speak to him about trust, honesty, and other people in our lives. I need to make myself heard that he broke my trust and that we need to repair it. I need to hear how he plans on doing that. I need to get to the bottom of why he did that in the first place. That's been impossible for months now because the whole thing triggered him into an episode about this and unrelated things.

Convenient diversion from stuff he's hiding or real PTSD trigger problems? I don't know. I need this solved.

 

[Never_falter2]

I do not think I am manipulating him. It is my body and I do with it what I please, I put my career on hold when we had children so it is our money and I am the parent of our children just as much as he is. Surely I listen to his concerns but if he gives no reasons for his opinions I do not have to take them into consideration. If he would say „Sure do it if you never want to hear from me again“ I would just say „Well, good bye then. Has been nice knowing you“, but he would not say this.

Your case is different though. Actually I think you should it rest. He already swore it was harmless. What else do you expect? He can swear it is harmless again, but he already swore that the first time you asked. Which difference would it make if he swore again? Would you believe him more this time? I would let it rest. No offense meant.
Decide if you believe him or not but why do you need to discuss it again?

 

[Hojay]

Decide if you believe him or not but why do you need to discuss it again?

There are a few things I need to discuss beyond whether or not something was going on with that woman. I need to discuss why he thinks he needs to hide these things in the first place. If he hid this, what else would he hide to "avoid conflict"? I need to speak to him about whether or not he trusts me to handle situations sanely and calmly. I need to know if we're on the same page regarding the difference between privacy and secrecy. Trust is fundamental. One of those things that every relationship will have to hash out and cement sooner or later. Curtailing the discussion by saying "nothing happened, end of discussion," isn't the way to go about that.

 

[Never_falter2]

I do hide some of my conversation from my hubby but not because I do not trust him but because in some cases I am afraid he would make fun of me, for example think my feelings are like that of a square (spiessig in German, he thinks I am spiessig sometimes, hard to translate word) So he was once interested in a letter I wrote to my cousin and I gave it to him and then he was like „Oh, you worry about X. Sorry but this is just soooooo square“ and made a bit of fun of me and it hurt my feelings.

In other cases I am afraid I might hurt his feelings.

Let‘s stick with the letter to my cousin example. I never show them my letters anymore. I think he does not mind. What if he wanted to see them? I think he would have to promise me that he will not make fun of what I wrote, not say I am being common not even in jest and not even raise an eyebrow and then he would be allowef to read them again....

But usually if I write to her I go to another room, he ask me what I am doing. I tell him write to my cousin and I do not want you to see my letter „since you are mean“. I say this with a smile.
He accepts it. He knows I am not writing to a secret lover, he knows I am not writing blackmail about him. He knows him and trusts me.... if he asked me if I wrote to my secret lover instead of my cousin and wanted proof that I am not I think I would be really offended cause he can trust me.

 

[Hojay]

@Never_falter Ah yes, spiessig. Roughly translates to someone being "square" in US English. What a gemein little insult :)

I like your example here, but I want to point out the process and extent of back and forth, explaining, and discussing you two went through for you to be able to say "I won't show you because you'll make fun of me" and with a smile no less. He trusts you and thinks nothing of it exactly because you explained yourself and made clear what your privacy regarding your letters is about. I don't have that with my SO.

What would your partner do if he wanted to check something on your phone and you quickly tried to delete a text message so he wouldn't see it, then only said, "oh yeah, sorry shouldn't have done that, but nothing to worry about." Even though he'd know you wouldn't cheat, he'd ask a lot of questions I'm sure. This situation requires the same amount of discussion as you had with your SO about your letters. More, I believe, because hell if deleting a message like that isn't objectively fishy.

And that's the purpose of this thread: how to have a modicum of issue resolution without torturing him or forgetting all about what I need and know needs discussing.

 

[Freida]

Hey! I've been on this hamster wheel from hell! From both sides......

Me: I do something "wrong." I think I've fixed it but I'm told no -- it's still wrong. But I don't understand -- not what I did wrong but why my fix didn't fix it. Does that make sense? So the conversation goes round and round about my "fix" which makes me crazy because I don't understand why I'm still wrong when my wrong was fixed! Does that make any sense? It could be he doesn't want to talk because he is missing that part. You don't want to talk to him about what he did wrong. You want reassurance that it won't happen again. Two completely separate things in my feeble little brain.

Him: I want to talk about my feelings. he zones out about 5 minutes in. He says I talk in circles and I keep coming back to whatever it was is bugging me even though he has answered me over and over. But each time he answers I'm not satisfied because I don't feel like he is hearing me. My bad is that I don't know what I want him to say. How do I want him to fix it? One time I tried telling him at the beginning of the fight ..."this (insert whatever) is what I want you to tell me". It was kind of backwards but it seemed to speed the process up.

One suggestion --- give him a written list of bullet sentences and let him go read it somewhere else and then get back to you the next day. If he has a chance to address your concern without you, he might give you a better answer because he has a chance to really think about it.