Life on the verge of tears--numbing out to care team

[Julesy]

Hey, wondering, was there ever a part of your therapy/process when you shut your care team out, or at least wanted to? Withdraw because the pain was too much; pretend not to care about anything? Shut the door on reaching out while a hard ass numbing took over? I am "convinced" my care/treatment team needs a break from me and have considered cancelling my upcoming appointments.

Because the need for my T and my Mental Health Mentor is so great but the internal pain that accompanies it is absolutely crippling right now. So I numb out, try to convince myself I don't care as a form of protection, I think. Hoping I can somehow trick my emotions into believing that so I don't completely self combust inside.

I am super sensitive to every little perceived slight and looking for any signs care team has ceased to care about me as much as they did before. I am 9 months into deep trauma work and wondering...is this like part of it? For you further along in this process, did you go through this? Is this a stage or a natural part of building/testing the trust levels?

I feel like I'm living life on the verge of tears, so much lability that I just want to withdraw from Care Team and isolate until it stops hurting so much.

Thoughts? Does this get better? Thanks Friends!

 

[Deleted member 541]

All I can tell you is this... it gets worse, before it gets better. Digging into your trauma drags up every freaking emotion, feeling thought and reaction that you’ve been trying to bury. It’s raw, it’s awful and it hurts all over again. BUT!!!! If you can keep up with it, struggle through with taking small breaks, using good coping skills and being kind to yourself.... it does get better...

Be proud of all of the work that you’ve done and don’t stop therapy. Because if you do, you’re giving up a chance of getting better....

 

[Julesy]

She Cat, thank you so much. I've read your words a few times over and really appreciate them. Hey, another question, how do y'all not get freaked out about things about T that seem like warning signs they are tiring of you (even though they aren't, but these are perceived slights/threats/evidence of them not caring anymore, blah blah barf)? For example, schedule changes, texts/emails returned slower than before, that sort of thing. Just overall feeling less of a priority when in truth, there probably is no truth to it and it's this hypersensitivity and hypervigilance crap coming up and making me feel soooooo insecure about everything. Grumble.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I had those thoughts too while in therapy. I brought it to my T’s attention on how I felt. He reassured me this... Shit happens, life gets in the way and sometimes things can’t be helped. In other words... He has a life, he has issues that he needs to attend too. Sometimes emergencies arise that he must deal with.

All of this doesn’t mean I’m not important, it means that at the time, others might be. I learned to accept this, and it helped...

 

[Rani G2]

Digging into your trauma drags up every freaking emotion, feeling thought and reaction that you’ve been trying to bury. It

This is very true

 

[Freida]

yep yep and yep. I sometimes leave my appointments thinking my Ts are banging their heads against the wall because I am such a pain in the ass. And - I don't want to go back because it hurts to much. Between the two it is can be really hard to go back. But I know its important that I do if I want to ever get control of this mess.

Like @She Cat said - ask your T. Mine once told me that she looks forward to our appointments just because I'm a pain. It means she has to work harder than she usually does - which gives her a challenge that she doesn't usually have in her day to day therapy sessions. Not sure if that was a compliment or not -- but I'll take it!

 

[Fenway0823]

Remember the kind words you have said to me over and over again when I'm scared on a very similar journey as you. You always reassure me and remind me that its the "littles" and the trauma are panicking hard but nothing has changed. Maybe their bandwidth temporarily has, but they are still a rock for you. Hang tight, these awful moments always pass... you remind me of that... so I will remind you now :)

 

[Julesy]

Thank you so much Fenway Friend! And I heartfelt thanks to all who have replied. I can't adequately express how much your words mean to me. Y'all really help a lot. Thanks!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I am about to embark on Trauma Therapy, so thanks for the heads up, everyone, this info and what to expect is priceless.

 

[MrMoonlight]

For example, schedule changes, texts/emails returned slower than before, that sort of thing.

I think our brains just work that way sometimes. I'm willing to bet schedule changes and slower email returns have nothing to do with you. Guess I'm relating it to how I felt with my therapist not too long ago. I was convinced I had scared her during my last session. My proof was that I didn't have the ability to schedule weekend sessions with her online. The place is empty on the weekends which for her could be scary with a guy like me. So I could only schedule in a narrow gap between tuesdays and thursdays. So yeah I scared her, and during my next session I brought it up by apologizing. She had no idea what I was on about. She told me she only allows herself to schedule those days. It was all me and the connections I try to make.