It's happening again

[Enaila]

I had a good friend who I did everything with. The two of us considered ourselves sisters and we shared lots of our struggles being single parents, discussed dating, got nails done together, etc. She was a key supporter for almost 9 years and knew all about my PTSD. She knew what my most intense traumas were and how I would react to triggers. Long story short, she decided to send me a text which simply said, "We are done." I was hurt and confused. She had promised me that the only thing which would ever end our close friendship was if I did something to harm her children. I never would do such a thing, but that is what she accused me of doing.

Her 17 yo son had decided he wanted to become a girl. I met privately with his mother and said while I will always care about her son, it made me uncomfortable with what he wanted to do to his body. She said it didn't matter if I supported his decision or not. I said I agreed with her, but wanted her to know I wasn't in support of his choices. This conversation was held directly with her in private. Not once did I raise my voice. I calmly shared my opinion and acknowledged it was my opinion. I did share a video of what happens when someone decides to go through a sex change, but again, this video was shared with her, not her children. I didn't want to hurt her son in any way and know it is ultimately none of my business what he chose to do. We agreed to disagree and that was okay.

The text came the next day saying I had harmed her son and "crossed the line" of our friendship about not harming her children. I don't understand what I did. I DO know she knows one of my traumas was from a best friend of 30 years getting angry at me after I suggested her daughter get counseling after pulling over car I was riding with her in and taking off through a ditch in the dark while screaming obscenities about her mom. She had almost got us in an accident as she talked to her mom on cell phone (I had asked her several times to put down.) I just feel it was a low blow and it hurts losing a friendship I had learned to put trust in. Trusting is so hard for me as many know how PTSD can affect this. I'm struggling with understanding and struggling not to push everyone else out of my life (generalizing I know).

I am blessed with many supportive friends, but now am extremely anxious trusting to the extent I had before.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m guessing the video was in support of your stance against it rather than her stance in support of it?

Why even share this video in the first place? What purpose did it serve?

I can understand why she ended the friendship. She chose her child over you. It doesn’t matter that you only shared your opinions in private.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you want to reconcile?

Unasked for advice and opinions about hot topic polarizing parenting issues is a tough place to venture.

What you shared didn’t directly harm her kids, but probably stirred up fears for her about how her child will be treated by the larger public.

This may be repairable, or it may not be. But try to not take it as a blanket statement that other friends are not trustworthy.

People will fail us from time to time. It happens. You didn’t mean to harm her and I’m guessing she doesn’t mean to harm you. Don’t lose sight of that.

 

[Sweetleaf]

This is coming from the standpoint of a supporter of trans people who has a trans person in her family:

She's probably too offended to want to talk to you. From your description of that video, it was probably over-the-top and she didn't feel like dealing with more of that. It would be like sending a Jewish person anti-Semitic propaganda. If you don't like it, either cut contact with people who are actually okay with it, or keep it to yourself. Her kid isn't going to magically stop being that way, so from your friend's viewpoint, you were perceived as someone who will be a constant threat to her child - and really, those are the signals you sent.

I personally would have considered the one-on-one conversation too much, but I've got very strong opinions on the matter. Trans people face enough bullshit as it is. Constant harassment, increased danger of assault, murder, and rape - also, social ostracism and other social difficulties. Your friend cut contact with you because you're enabling that. You basically went "I'm on the side that's going to cause your child pain and add to their struggle" to your friend.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

IMO I’m sorry you had to suffer through the ending of what seems to have been a not true friendship. The term friends means we can work through anything and I won’t hold things against you, unless you give me a valid reason to. My friends and I always have disagreements, but we also know how to respect each other’s opinions without prejudice. I still say Thai if a person can drop you over a conversation about politics, sex, religion or otherwise, then we’re they ever your friend? I’ve learned to stop taking people at face value and to give time to really learning who they really are. People have a way of surprising you when you least expect it.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think you crossed a line with her, and you never should have shared your point of view of this subject.

 

[digger]

Remaining friends with someone who won't accept and respect my child for who they are, I would consider harmful to my child.

 

[anonymous]

it is ultimately none of my business what he chose to do.

This is absolutely correct.
I don't doubt that you weren't trying to be rude or mean, but was a really inappropriate thing to do.
She may contact you again after she calms down, or she may not. Not saying this to beat you up, but if someone who has been in my life, as well as my child's life for many years suddenly tells me that my child offends their sensibilities. I would be feeling very hurt, that they were unable to look past my child's appearance.

This is very different from what happened before.
Suggesting counselling for a mentally unstable daughter who is putting yours and herself lives in danger, is something a friend should do. It really sucks that her mother responded the way she did.

This situation however is different. This young man's choice to become female has zero impact on you. There is no danger to you from this person changing their own body to make themselves comfortable in their own skin, so they can be happier and enjoy life more.

You may have hurt your friends feelings as much as they have your's.

I calmly shared my opinion and acknowledged it was my opinion.

You are of course free to have your own opinions about whatever you want. It doesn't mean that voicing it won't have consequences.
Just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should. Also the video was a wee bit over the top.

I'd say give her space and time. Let her decide whether to contact you or not. If she does decide to contact you. I'd suggest you start with an apology.

 

[littleoc]

decided he wanted to become a girl.

So, when did YOU decide to become a girl?
:/

There is extensive research on this topic, particularly with brain structure. Yes, it's hard, and I'm sure your concern was from a place of worry and care.

But, there is a real phenomenon of being born into a male or female body while the brain is actually mismatched. It's incredibly rare, but very real.

You invalidated that just with one sentence, and I imagine that the child's mother was unable or unwilling to try to convince you otherwise. I would find you dangerous to my child too.

It's hard enough being in a situation like that. The mom is doing the best she can to show full support of her child. She's being as good a role model as she can be.

It's not about your PTSD in this case at all.

 

[Enaila]

This is coming from the standpoint of a supporter of trans people who has a trans person in her fami...

I had encouraged her to get her son some counseling, not because he is choosing to be trans, but because he is struggling in many ways. I truly have nothing against anyone who chooses the life style. I do think he needs emotional support for whatever he chooses. I also felt a need to be protective of him as he attends school in an area which is not safe to walk to normally and definitely not in a dress. The school he is at is accepting of his choice as are his peers, but the neighboring school and gangs are not.

The video shared some of the problems trans people may face including medical concerns.

I do appreciate the honest dialogue as it is helping me understand more.

 

[Sweetleaf]

choosing to be trans

It's not a choice though, it's the treatment for a condition called gender dysphoria. You can look it up in the DSM-5. One cannot choose to have gender dysphoria, it just happens to some people.

It would be bad for that kid to not pursue transition, just like it would be detrimental to not pursue treatment for PTSD. Transition is the treatment for gender dysphoria. So even though society is full of assholes who do mean things, that kid would suffer if she chose not to transition.

You showed a lack of understanding and compassion on the issue, when you showed your friend your opposition to it. How would you feel if someone told you that PTSD is a choice and that you should just choose not to have it?

 

[Justmehere]

I do not believe trans is chosen anymore than anyone chooses any condition.

The data shows that 50 percent of trans youth attempt suicide by their 20rh birthday.

The appropriateness of giving unasked for advice is one thing. A video about the horrors it surgery? Yikes. Not the wisest choice. I’m sure the mother is probably already worried about the risks of any surgery on their son, as any good mom would be, even for the most nessecary surgeries.

But the advice to seek counseling support for her son for the horrible experiences of trans-related bullying isn’t a lack of acceptance of a trans kiddo - and this may have been lost in all the emotion of the conversation and topic, as it’s getting lost here.