Just going to jump right into this...
A couple of months ago back in October I met a guy. A lot of people warned me against him, but I was very new to the school and tend to see the best in people so I ignored them. He ended up asking me to the school's homecoming during October. We had been flirting for a while and it sometimes got very intense, sometimes sexual over text.
After homecoming we ended up sort of dating- I was really uncomfortable putting a name onto our relationship. I wasn't really ready for a committed relationship but he would constantly pressure me all the time to make it official. When we hung out in public, he would refuse to smile or talk if I wasnt either holding his hand or kissing him when he asked. I always felt bad and eventually just started dating him. He would constantly ask for nude pictures even when I had repeatedly said I wasn't comfortable with it. I gave in eventually and at that point he would incessantly ask for them, even if I was begging to go to sleep instead. He would frequently initiate sexual conversations on text even when I wasn't asking for it. I always started off trying to say no, but he would lay the guilt on me, practically begging for me to do stuff. Sometimes I was into this but most of the time he would have to bother it out of me.
Then at one point I made a big mistake and ended up doing oral sex on him. I felt like I was being all cool and wild and stuff. This might have been the only thing I had originally enthusiastically said yes to. But after that point he stared constantly pressuring me for more and more, things like sex which I never did thankfully but he would ask over and over. I would tell him I wanted to be at least sixteen but he would always tell me "oh.. Alright I guess." And then bring it up in an hour again. Sometimes he wouldn't even stop at that and he would just beg for it.
At this point we started dating much to my unhappiness and whenever we hung out it would be sexually focused. He would constantly beg and guilt me into doing sexual acts on him while we were in public places, even when I told him it wasn't something I was comfortable with. I just wanted to talk sometimes.
He also decided to tell me he loved me, extremely early in the relationship. I couldn't reciprocate and told him I wasn't ready. He said he understood, but he would constantly bring it up, and act extremely depressed when I didn't say it back. He also constantly told me about how I was the one for him, and how I was going to have his kids and he was going to marry me. We had only been dating for a month or two and this made me really nervous. I tried to again communicate this was an uncomfortable subject for me, but he would never let go of it. Eventually I just felt so bad I told him I loved him back and his interest in sexual activities and the "were going to marry and have kids" got even worse.
Probably the worst point was when we broke up. He broke up with me because I was too "slutty". I talked to other boys a lot (as friends.) He went behind my back with his friend and after his friends girlfriend yelled at me for trying to steal her boyfriend (something I never tried to do) I had a panic attack. He (my now ex) broke up with me right in the middle of it. Then, knowing I had severe anxiety about it and had repeatedly asked him to not do it, went and told the entire football team about the oral sex. I had a mental breakdown and he swore he never would do it again, after I found out he lied about who he told (said he told two people.)
He, as I found our from a friend, would also talk behind my back all the time about how I was a slut and how I would do anything for him.
All of this completely shocked me. I am the type of person who always sees the best in other people, and while I knew that there were people like that in the world I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I would be stronger and smarter than that, you know the brave independent woman type who takes control of her sexuality. And that's probably what makes it seem to bad to me. Really looking at it makes it seem like a small thing, nothing compared to other people.
All of this started leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. About a month after that incident, I started having extreme anxiety that he would tell people again. I basically stopped sleeping. It started getting hard to look at him. He would occasionally make remarks to me, like whispering "whore" under his breath or yelling at me for staring at him when I wasn't even looking in his direction. Ironically most of the time I would feel his gaze boring into the back of my neck and if I turned his head would quickly snap away.
I also began to realize how much I had been manipulated. During the relationship I would constantly try to defend him and his bad behaviors to other people saying that he wasn't that bad. When I looked back at it, the things we did together started to fill me with a disgust and shame.
A month or two passes and it gets even worse. He doesn't let up from me, at this point he retold all of his friends about what we did so I am constantly consumed with anxiety and fear. He starts taking up all space in my mind and even seeing him made me intensely nauseous and shaky. I start to cry a lot, almost every day where previously I would cry once in a blue moon.
Another month passes. I start having nightmares about him. Any mention of him or thought makes me start feeling like I'm back in the moment with him. It's not specific memories but rather I can taste him (I hate saying that but its what I experience) and feel him, and a whole bunch of memories kind of melt together. It's like I float out of my body during those times and people will have to physically snap me out of it or I will not move.
One more month, probably around present. I haven't spoken a word to him but he is obsessed with me. I can constantly see him pointing and whispering avout me to his friends. They all laugh. I know what they are talking about. The wierd visuals and sensory feelings I get turn into really detailed scenes where I almost feel like he's there. This happens all the time and I will start crying in the middle of class because of it. Literally anything that barely reminds me of him will just fill me with absolute nausea and anxiety. He has also started to harass me even worse, following my path home after school with his friends and making gagging and other rude noises while screaming with laughter. I get so scared during those that I practically run away from them, and after I get those visual scenes again. Anyone who looks like him will trigger my anxiety, and I haven't really trusted anyone for months. I'm completely withdrawn now, and constantly exhausted. And another thing, I consistently have extremely violent thoughts about him. He fills me with a rage I've never felt before. I'd never act on this, but I will occasionally spend over half an hour just thinking about causing harm to him.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel complete disgust for what we did and a consuming sense of shame but I still said yes. I don't know what I'm experiencing but I'm coming here to see if anyone can help me or point me in the right direction. I'm sorry for writing so much, but I haven't been ever able to properly vent.
A couple of months ago back in October I met a guy. A lot of people warned me against him, but I was very new to the school and tend to see the best in people so I ignored them. He ended up asking me to the school's homecoming during October. We had been flirting for a while and it sometimes got very intense, sometimes sexual over text.
After homecoming we ended up sort of dating- I was really uncomfortable putting a name onto our relationship. I wasn't really ready for a committed relationship but he would constantly pressure me all the time to make it official. When we hung out in public, he would refuse to smile or talk if I wasnt either holding his hand or kissing him when he asked. I always felt bad and eventually just started dating him. He would constantly ask for nude pictures even when I had repeatedly said I wasn't comfortable with it. I gave in eventually and at that point he would incessantly ask for them, even if I was begging to go to sleep instead. He would frequently initiate sexual conversations on text even when I wasn't asking for it. I always started off trying to say no, but he would lay the guilt on me, practically begging for me to do stuff. Sometimes I was into this but most of the time he would have to bother it out of me.
Then at one point I made a big mistake and ended up doing oral sex on him. I felt like I was being all cool and wild and stuff. This might have been the only thing I had originally enthusiastically said yes to. But after that point he stared constantly pressuring me for more and more, things like sex which I never did thankfully but he would ask over and over. I would tell him I wanted to be at least sixteen but he would always tell me "oh.. Alright I guess." And then bring it up in an hour again. Sometimes he wouldn't even stop at that and he would just beg for it.
At this point we started dating much to my unhappiness and whenever we hung out it would be sexually focused. He would constantly beg and guilt me into doing sexual acts on him while we were in public places, even when I told him it wasn't something I was comfortable with. I just wanted to talk sometimes.
He also decided to tell me he loved me, extremely early in the relationship. I couldn't reciprocate and told him I wasn't ready. He said he understood, but he would constantly bring it up, and act extremely depressed when I didn't say it back. He also constantly told me about how I was the one for him, and how I was going to have his kids and he was going to marry me. We had only been dating for a month or two and this made me really nervous. I tried to again communicate this was an uncomfortable subject for me, but he would never let go of it. Eventually I just felt so bad I told him I loved him back and his interest in sexual activities and the "were going to marry and have kids" got even worse.
Probably the worst point was when we broke up. He broke up with me because I was too "slutty". I talked to other boys a lot (as friends.) He went behind my back with his friend and after his friends girlfriend yelled at me for trying to steal her boyfriend (something I never tried to do) I had a panic attack. He (my now ex) broke up with me right in the middle of it. Then, knowing I had severe anxiety about it and had repeatedly asked him to not do it, went and told the entire football team about the oral sex. I had a mental breakdown and he swore he never would do it again, after I found out he lied about who he told (said he told two people.)
He, as I found our from a friend, would also talk behind my back all the time about how I was a slut and how I would do anything for him.
All of this completely shocked me. I am the type of person who always sees the best in other people, and while I knew that there were people like that in the world I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I would be stronger and smarter than that, you know the brave independent woman type who takes control of her sexuality. And that's probably what makes it seem to bad to me. Really looking at it makes it seem like a small thing, nothing compared to other people.
All of this started leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. About a month after that incident, I started having extreme anxiety that he would tell people again. I basically stopped sleeping. It started getting hard to look at him. He would occasionally make remarks to me, like whispering "whore" under his breath or yelling at me for staring at him when I wasn't even looking in his direction. Ironically most of the time I would feel his gaze boring into the back of my neck and if I turned his head would quickly snap away.
I also began to realize how much I had been manipulated. During the relationship I would constantly try to defend him and his bad behaviors to other people saying that he wasn't that bad. When I looked back at it, the things we did together started to fill me with a disgust and shame.
A month or two passes and it gets even worse. He doesn't let up from me, at this point he retold all of his friends about what we did so I am constantly consumed with anxiety and fear. He starts taking up all space in my mind and even seeing him made me intensely nauseous and shaky. I start to cry a lot, almost every day where previously I would cry once in a blue moon.
Another month passes. I start having nightmares about him. Any mention of him or thought makes me start feeling like I'm back in the moment with him. It's not specific memories but rather I can taste him (I hate saying that but its what I experience) and feel him, and a whole bunch of memories kind of melt together. It's like I float out of my body during those times and people will have to physically snap me out of it or I will not move.
One more month, probably around present. I haven't spoken a word to him but he is obsessed with me. I can constantly see him pointing and whispering avout me to his friends. They all laugh. I know what they are talking about. The wierd visuals and sensory feelings I get turn into really detailed scenes where I almost feel like he's there. This happens all the time and I will start crying in the middle of class because of it. Literally anything that barely reminds me of him will just fill me with absolute nausea and anxiety. He has also started to harass me even worse, following my path home after school with his friends and making gagging and other rude noises while screaming with laughter. I get so scared during those that I practically run away from them, and after I get those visual scenes again. Anyone who looks like him will trigger my anxiety, and I haven't really trusted anyone for months. I'm completely withdrawn now, and constantly exhausted. And another thing, I consistently have extremely violent thoughts about him. He fills me with a rage I've never felt before. I'd never act on this, but I will occasionally spend over half an hour just thinking about causing harm to him.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel complete disgust for what we did and a consuming sense of shame but I still said yes. I don't know what I'm experiencing but I'm coming here to see if anyone can help me or point me in the right direction. I'm sorry for writing so much, but I haven't been ever able to properly vent.
