Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
I haven't been here much lately. My PTSD symptoms are much better then they used to be and I don't have the same issues with depression or anxiety anymore. Now it's my current relationship I am having problems with and it's starting to cause sleep problems and heighten anxiety and worry. I'm starting to feel a little worried about my mental health too, I'm more isolated then normal right now and I don't like that.
It's unusual for me because it the flip side of the coin. I've never been depended on like I am now (where I am the breadwinner) and I've never been living with someone who had what looks like very bad anxiety.
I'm not sure what to think right now. Love is not enough, our "bond" wont save us. I am happy when he comes home, happy to wake up next to him and then disappointed when he starts yelling or says something mean (probably belittling), we can go days or about a week between or sometimes just a couple of hours. A clear example was tonight, he comes home for a long day at work, tired. I put dinner together. He works on and off and it's a labor job. There is no cold water in the fridge for him, because I used it for cooking and I foolishly didn't replace it in time to get cold enough for him, so he says "You were home all f*cking day and you couldn't put water in the fridge??!" Things are often my fault. Things I don't even think of or realize are often my fault and that hurts my self esteem and makes me feel slow.
Well, I know this is not acceptable behavior. I know it's not a good idea to expect your partner to mind read or figure out your every need before you even know it. It's not even their job to figure out your needs. I know it's not good that I am sitting there with my mouth open, my appetite gone and all that food I cooked wasted because that was the last thing I was expecting to be yelled at (or maybe it's talked down too? I'm not sure, just little put downs or things that make me feel upset and stupid for not "thinking of it first" even though I know I just couldn't 'think' of it all) and the fact that I can't response. I say nothing to defend myself. I say nothing to tell him that he can not treat me like that. In fact, I do what I know is bad and I hide. Not responding and hiding= a great way of saying sure keep treating me like that. I will be passive.
But then I feel like I can't stand up for myself!
I notice that I have starting trying to think of what just might piss him off and fix it before he sees, or get tense when doing something that I know he gets mad often doing (like driving, traveling, put activity here etc) or feel worried that I will wake up to him yelling about something. Or use the wrong sponge and get yelled at because I didn't realize he had a secret sponge system and I somehow just should.
I had that neglectful childhood. That distance mother, that tolerated abuse of neglect and then starting treating me like that to fit in with her partner. That controlling, emotionally abusive father. I know the signs. My SO's was not much better, only his mother passed away young and so I often look at him and think that it's like he just didn't learn how to cope with change. Change scares him shitless, like lots of people here. Just no copping skills at all.
I also know that fights are normal. I know being angry is normal every once in awhile. Sometimes you just don't see eye to eye or something things gets said but Abuse is not acceptable. But I've also had anxiety before, that caused me to lash out and just say things that were probably not much better. My ex though was also abusive in his own way, so I was reacting to the anxiety and PTSD I guess.
So I know what it looks like. The anxiety. Waiting in the post office line and people are everywhere. People bumping into you and phones going off and it feels stifling. And then the anxiety comes out.
I've been there. But it's not okay to just put down your partner. It's not okay that something falls into the printer and breaks it and the your partner blames you, because its your fault you didn't put it on a table (no room...) and then just starts screaming because "Now we have to f*cking buy another printer because YOU can't just..." and blames you and then he breaks the printer and blames you. It was already broken and yeah, I also shook it a bit but that feeling of seeing the printer glass everywhere and pieces everywhere...well that's just, different. Shocking. I didn't smash the thing to bits with glass raining down. I remember I felt the blood drain from my face and I wondered how far this was going to go one day, surely this is the beginning?
This really makes everything sound so negative. And like I should just know what to do. It's not. It's not always like that. It's not without remorse on his part. It's not without him realizing that it's wrong. Not without him often seeing the guilt on his face and just realizing he can't say/do that. And I am not excusing the behavior. I'm trying to make sense of it. It reminds me of how my anxiety was, I had the same guilty face and the same I'm sorry excuses.
Change comes with compassion, understanding and learning to control the anxiety and being able to understand the emotions. When he gets angry, says things that make me heart twist, I have to find a way to move on and forgive him. To not feel resentful all the time. And there is a point where I can't just keep saying "Oh well, it's your anxiety..." because sometimes it's just abuse and I can not be like my mother who tolerates the abuse!
What is the line between anxiety and just emotional/verbal abuse. I didn't even put a questions mark because it sounds dumb. Every time something happens, I have to explain it in my head. Excuse it somehow and forgive him. And like I told him tonight I can't just keep forgiving you for what just keeps happening. It's the point where apologizing doesn't mean much, even though I know he means them. Every time I have to find a way to move on from it and now the line is more gray between explainable anxiety and just abuse with no future.
It's unusual for me because it the flip side of the coin. I've never been depended on like I am now (where I am the breadwinner) and I've never been living with someone who had what looks like very bad anxiety.
I'm not sure what to think right now. Love is not enough, our "bond" wont save us. I am happy when he comes home, happy to wake up next to him and then disappointed when he starts yelling or says something mean (probably belittling), we can go days or about a week between or sometimes just a couple of hours. A clear example was tonight, he comes home for a long day at work, tired. I put dinner together. He works on and off and it's a labor job. There is no cold water in the fridge for him, because I used it for cooking and I foolishly didn't replace it in time to get cold enough for him, so he says "You were home all f*cking day and you couldn't put water in the fridge??!" Things are often my fault. Things I don't even think of or realize are often my fault and that hurts my self esteem and makes me feel slow.
Well, I know this is not acceptable behavior. I know it's not a good idea to expect your partner to mind read or figure out your every need before you even know it. It's not even their job to figure out your needs. I know it's not good that I am sitting there with my mouth open, my appetite gone and all that food I cooked wasted because that was the last thing I was expecting to be yelled at (or maybe it's talked down too? I'm not sure, just little put downs or things that make me feel upset and stupid for not "thinking of it first" even though I know I just couldn't 'think' of it all) and the fact that I can't response. I say nothing to defend myself. I say nothing to tell him that he can not treat me like that. In fact, I do what I know is bad and I hide. Not responding and hiding= a great way of saying sure keep treating me like that. I will be passive.
But then I feel like I can't stand up for myself!
I notice that I have starting trying to think of what just might piss him off and fix it before he sees, or get tense when doing something that I know he gets mad often doing (like driving, traveling, put activity here etc) or feel worried that I will wake up to him yelling about something. Or use the wrong sponge and get yelled at because I didn't realize he had a secret sponge system and I somehow just should.
I had that neglectful childhood. That distance mother, that tolerated abuse of neglect and then starting treating me like that to fit in with her partner. That controlling, emotionally abusive father. I know the signs. My SO's was not much better, only his mother passed away young and so I often look at him and think that it's like he just didn't learn how to cope with change. Change scares him shitless, like lots of people here. Just no copping skills at all.
I also know that fights are normal. I know being angry is normal every once in awhile. Sometimes you just don't see eye to eye or something things gets said but Abuse is not acceptable. But I've also had anxiety before, that caused me to lash out and just say things that were probably not much better. My ex though was also abusive in his own way, so I was reacting to the anxiety and PTSD I guess.
So I know what it looks like. The anxiety. Waiting in the post office line and people are everywhere. People bumping into you and phones going off and it feels stifling. And then the anxiety comes out.
I've been there. But it's not okay to just put down your partner. It's not okay that something falls into the printer and breaks it and the your partner blames you, because its your fault you didn't put it on a table (no room...) and then just starts screaming because "Now we have to f*cking buy another printer because YOU can't just..." and blames you and then he breaks the printer and blames you. It was already broken and yeah, I also shook it a bit but that feeling of seeing the printer glass everywhere and pieces everywhere...well that's just, different. Shocking. I didn't smash the thing to bits with glass raining down. I remember I felt the blood drain from my face and I wondered how far this was going to go one day, surely this is the beginning?
This really makes everything sound so negative. And like I should just know what to do. It's not. It's not always like that. It's not without remorse on his part. It's not without him realizing that it's wrong. Not without him often seeing the guilt on his face and just realizing he can't say/do that. And I am not excusing the behavior. I'm trying to make sense of it. It reminds me of how my anxiety was, I had the same guilty face and the same I'm sorry excuses.
Change comes with compassion, understanding and learning to control the anxiety and being able to understand the emotions. When he gets angry, says things that make me heart twist, I have to find a way to move on and forgive him. To not feel resentful all the time. And there is a point where I can't just keep saying "Oh well, it's your anxiety..." because sometimes it's just abuse and I can not be like my mother who tolerates the abuse!
What is the line between anxiety and just emotional/verbal abuse. I didn't even put a questions mark because it sounds dumb. Every time something happens, I have to explain it in my head. Excuse it somehow and forgive him. And like I told him tonight I can't just keep forgiving you for what just keeps happening. It's the point where apologizing doesn't mean much, even though I know he means them. Every time I have to find a way to move on from it and now the line is more gray between explainable anxiety and just abuse with no future.
