- Post starter
- #97
littleoc
VIP Member
I am not a fungus. I am not a fungus. I am not a fungus.
I am a human being.
I am a human being.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
- Start date
- Post starter
- #98
littleoc
VIP Member
I get so scared that someone is going to think that I was the "evil" one, that I tricked B. I have saved every relevant note, every folded piece of paper addressed to fantasy characters, or even letters from J, that showed that I am not evil or bad. I'm so scared that I'll be put in prison, outed, and I'm aware that there is no basis for it and accept that.
Yet I still have a shoebox full of notes from B and J that showcase the basics of how horrible it was. I feel I NEED them, or else it'll be possible to prove I was insane, a liar, evil to my core.
It was my dad and the pedophile too who put thoughts like that in my mind. I should have run from B when I still could -- although, actually? I did. I got out.
Yet I still have a shoebox full of notes from B and J that showcase the basics of how horrible it was. I feel I NEED them, or else it'll be possible to prove I was insane, a liar, evil to my core.
It was my dad and the pedophile too who put thoughts like that in my mind. I should have run from B when I still could -- although, actually? I did. I got out.
Freida
VIP Member
Repeat after me.... I was a CHILD. I was a CHILD exposed to horrible, horrible things who coped the only way she knew how. By disappearing into someone's fantasy life. Because it was safer than the one I was living.
Your brain was doing an amazing job of protecting you, and your heart saw someone who needed you. And you were a CHILD. This is why she was able to drag you in. Even an adult would have a hard time coping with everything you lived through. You found a way to cope that kept you sane for a long time.
You are not a fungus -- human or otherwise. You are an amazingly empathetic, kind, loving, creative person who deserves all the love and kindness she can get.
Now go crack those books and stop stalling missy! :hug::hug::hug:
Your brain was doing an amazing job of protecting you, and your heart saw someone who needed you. And you were a CHILD. This is why she was able to drag you in. Even an adult would have a hard time coping with everything you lived through. You found a way to cope that kept you sane for a long time.
You are not a fungus -- human or otherwise. You are an amazingly empathetic, kind, loving, creative person who deserves all the love and kindness she can get.
Now go crack those books and stop stalling missy! :hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #100
littleoc
VIP Member
So much for studying. I can't concentrate. Should have turned off notifications apparently. Got so many from this forum, and it's very, very hard for me to keep up. My device read out loud to me when my brain is too overwhelmed.
Between being scared for taxes and scared that I don't have enough time to study, or the ability to get the accommodations I need, now I have to somehow rest my mind and nerves from having to read email after email of people pulling off a rebellion for caring but unhelpful reasons.
My head hurts.
My notifications were being read to me by a helpful computer while I was studying. Only some of the material for studying can be read aloud, and the rest I have to get through before my brain is too tired to focus. Hard with a TBI. PTSD complicates.
They didn't even do it in a way that would solve anything. Just causing drama on a site where there's shouldn't be. It'll blow over in like a day. A fun piece of history maybe. But right now my head hurts and I'm wishing I never even tried today. They got themselves banned and I'll miss them, so that's that. I may or may not get $10,000 resolved, and still have no idea how I'll afford my next service dog.
... end useless complaints.
Back to studying. Will eat some cookies and close my eyes for a while.
And just letting you know, this playful motivation was extremely helpful :) Have been studying since.
Between being scared for taxes and scared that I don't have enough time to study, or the ability to get the accommodations I need, now I have to somehow rest my mind and nerves from having to read email after email of people pulling off a rebellion for caring but unhelpful reasons.
My head hurts.
My notifications were being read to me by a helpful computer while I was studying. Only some of the material for studying can be read aloud, and the rest I have to get through before my brain is too tired to focus. Hard with a TBI. PTSD complicates.
They didn't even do it in a way that would solve anything. Just causing drama on a site where there's shouldn't be. It'll blow over in like a day. A fun piece of history maybe. But right now my head hurts and I'm wishing I never even tried today. They got themselves banned and I'll miss them, so that's that. I may or may not get $10,000 resolved, and still have no idea how I'll afford my next service dog.
... end useless complaints.
Back to studying. Will eat some cookies and close my eyes for a while.
And just letting you know, this playful motivation was extremely helpful :) Have been studying since.
Freida
VIP Member
yea! I love being bossy! :hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #102
littleoc
VIP Member
I don't want to eat.
So I'm cooking something light. Broccoli and cheese soup (protein and a vegetable), white rice with Smart Balance (butter substitute with more flavor because it's a blend of olive, canola, and palm oils) (sorry, rainforests....), and English muffins with butter (better source of fat).
Simple and easy to eat if I really don't want to.
So I'm cooking something light. Broccoli and cheese soup (protein and a vegetable), white rice with Smart Balance (butter substitute with more flavor because it's a blend of olive, canola, and palm oils) (sorry, rainforests....), and English muffins with butter (better source of fat).
Simple and easy to eat if I really don't want to.
- Post starter
- #103
littleoc
VIP Member
Adding shredded carots to soup. Should be nice :)
- Post starter
- #104
littleoc
VIP Member
It was nice :)
- Post starter
- #105
littleoc
VIP Member
Things to note, maybe?
I don't have such a hair-pulling problem that I have bald spots anymore. I haven't had bald spots since 3rd or 4th grade. More than 12 years ago. (At this point I've spent most of my life as a child, so bare with me... lol.)
But I do still pull out my hair. There seem to be some triggers. High stress, for one. Included scalp picking (never bad enough to matter). Then... I think just being in a dirty place. A dirty house. Having oily hair or hair that's tangled. (Messing with it -- which is a habit -- makes hair more tangly, more frizzy, and more oily, all of which are triggers.)
Also, when I'm feeling restless or am trying to conceptrate. I even have a "study hat" I frequently wear when studying. Otherwise my hair and resulting mess will be everywhere -- also, it's so difficult to study when one of my hands is messing with my hair and scalp. It's like I can't stop until I get the weird-feeling hair (the one with kinks or a tiny knot or a frayed bit). I'll go through my hair with my fingertips gently, pulling at hairs until one is wrong, and then I pull it out. It's so satisfying...
Even just now, I wasn't able to brush teeth because I was playing with my hairs, individually, and couldn't stop yet becuse I'd found one with a kink-filled texture.
I've gotten better about eyelashes, because I'm trying to keep fingers out of my eyes to prevent making the itching and burning worse. Mold allergy, I think -- or maybe bird.
I have no idea why this has been so consistent. It started in elementary school when a lice epidemic hit. I started pulling out my hair, looking for lice or their eggs... no idea why, because I wasn't even concerned about bugs. They didn't gross me out. They meant I didn't have to be at school.
Ironically I hated school, and grew to love it the older I got. When I learned to do homework (I couldn't as a child because my father prevented it -- it made school especially hard, especially because teachers hated me. For not being from a Christian family, usually?) it got much more fun.
Maybe I should start a thread elsewhere and see if people know how to cut this out?
I stopped cutting. I haven't hit my head on anything in a while (trauma reinactment). Both were replaced with over-exercising and an addiction to moving. Now, I'm being much more careful.
And with so little bad-coping to focus on, I guess I should figure out this hair-pulling thing. Luckily I have very Russian hair -- thick and practically waterproof, lol. I like it -- I don't want more bald spots.
I don't have such a hair-pulling problem that I have bald spots anymore. I haven't had bald spots since 3rd or 4th grade. More than 12 years ago. (At this point I've spent most of my life as a child, so bare with me... lol.)
But I do still pull out my hair. There seem to be some triggers. High stress, for one. Included scalp picking (never bad enough to matter). Then... I think just being in a dirty place. A dirty house. Having oily hair or hair that's tangled. (Messing with it -- which is a habit -- makes hair more tangly, more frizzy, and more oily, all of which are triggers.)
Also, when I'm feeling restless or am trying to conceptrate. I even have a "study hat" I frequently wear when studying. Otherwise my hair and resulting mess will be everywhere -- also, it's so difficult to study when one of my hands is messing with my hair and scalp. It's like I can't stop until I get the weird-feeling hair (the one with kinks or a tiny knot or a frayed bit). I'll go through my hair with my fingertips gently, pulling at hairs until one is wrong, and then I pull it out. It's so satisfying...
Even just now, I wasn't able to brush teeth because I was playing with my hairs, individually, and couldn't stop yet becuse I'd found one with a kink-filled texture.
I've gotten better about eyelashes, because I'm trying to keep fingers out of my eyes to prevent making the itching and burning worse. Mold allergy, I think -- or maybe bird.
I have no idea why this has been so consistent. It started in elementary school when a lice epidemic hit. I started pulling out my hair, looking for lice or their eggs... no idea why, because I wasn't even concerned about bugs. They didn't gross me out. They meant I didn't have to be at school.
Ironically I hated school, and grew to love it the older I got. When I learned to do homework (I couldn't as a child because my father prevented it -- it made school especially hard, especially because teachers hated me. For not being from a Christian family, usually?) it got much more fun.
Maybe I should start a thread elsewhere and see if people know how to cut this out?
I stopped cutting. I haven't hit my head on anything in a while (trauma reinactment). Both were replaced with over-exercising and an addiction to moving. Now, I'm being much more careful.
And with so little bad-coping to focus on, I guess I should figure out this hair-pulling thing. Luckily I have very Russian hair -- thick and practically waterproof, lol. I like it -- I don't want more bald spots.
- Post starter
- #106
littleoc
VIP Member
My cockatiel was incredibly not okay the other day -- stopped eating, playing with toys, and didn't even talk. Sat on one perch -- her heated perch -- all day. I was very, very worried.
Long story short, she's okay. It turns out she was incredibly depressed, and simply needed time to heal.
She's a rescue and hasn't been easy to befriend. I learned from our not-so-broken EMT (I don't want to summon her to a diary, she knows what she can handle, not me) that female birds can be harder to tame -- that was helpful.
However, she was laying eggs every month. Her calcium was going so low at one point about a year ago that she ended up needing help. She was diagnosed with osteoporosis, immune system deficiency, vitamin A deficiency, vitamin D3 deficiency, calcium deficiency, and probably something else. Pretty serious -- and all these things had been in her diet, but not at the appropriate proportions.
Her diet was reduced in fat, and she was given vitamins through various means. So, she was perfectly fine after that! Still oddly clumsy, but she's been that way since I met her when she was barely six months old.
She already had a light at the bottom of her cage to make dark corners unavailable for nesting, but it didn't work. So, a week ago, I put back the bottom of her cage to prevent her from being able to build a nest.
She was upset but okay.
Then she tried to lay an egg anyway. I suppose her body was already ready for an egg before her nest-spot was denied. Although I'm not sure how subconscious or not her egg laying is. I'll look that up later and see if anyone has studied that.
Anyway, at 1am she started yelling and ringing the bells in her cage. I asked her what was up, but could not see anything wrong.
Then she went to the top perch of her cage and laid an egg -- and it fell to the bottom and broke.
I held her on my chest while I cleaned up the egg and through it away. She seemed okay, but tired. I did a small non-intrusive physical exam and saw no problems, and let her go to bed.
It was that next day that she got so depressed.
When she lays eggs, even when they won't hatch (she has no mate), she guards them and takes such good care of them. She has seen through every fake egg I've ever tried to give her (it's a way to prevent her from laying too many eggs and getting hurt).
So, it looks like this broken egg was devastating to her.
I was tempted to give her one of her old eggs that I still have (pet snake might care about them, though he might still be too young -- he's one tiny guy), but realized it would be best to let her heal this herself. An old egg probably wouldn't help.
She's okay now, a few days later. She's back to playing with toys and eating -- though I coaxed her with a few yummy treats.
I'm so glad she's okay.
Long story short, she's okay. It turns out she was incredibly depressed, and simply needed time to heal.
She's a rescue and hasn't been easy to befriend. I learned from our not-so-broken EMT (I don't want to summon her to a diary, she knows what she can handle, not me) that female birds can be harder to tame -- that was helpful.
However, she was laying eggs every month. Her calcium was going so low at one point about a year ago that she ended up needing help. She was diagnosed with osteoporosis, immune system deficiency, vitamin A deficiency, vitamin D3 deficiency, calcium deficiency, and probably something else. Pretty serious -- and all these things had been in her diet, but not at the appropriate proportions.
Her diet was reduced in fat, and she was given vitamins through various means. So, she was perfectly fine after that! Still oddly clumsy, but she's been that way since I met her when she was barely six months old.
She already had a light at the bottom of her cage to make dark corners unavailable for nesting, but it didn't work. So, a week ago, I put back the bottom of her cage to prevent her from being able to build a nest.
She was upset but okay.
Then she tried to lay an egg anyway. I suppose her body was already ready for an egg before her nest-spot was denied. Although I'm not sure how subconscious or not her egg laying is. I'll look that up later and see if anyone has studied that.
Anyway, at 1am she started yelling and ringing the bells in her cage. I asked her what was up, but could not see anything wrong.
Then she went to the top perch of her cage and laid an egg -- and it fell to the bottom and broke.
I held her on my chest while I cleaned up the egg and through it away. She seemed okay, but tired. I did a small non-intrusive physical exam and saw no problems, and let her go to bed.
It was that next day that she got so depressed.
When she lays eggs, even when they won't hatch (she has no mate), she guards them and takes such good care of them. She has seen through every fake egg I've ever tried to give her (it's a way to prevent her from laying too many eggs and getting hurt).
So, it looks like this broken egg was devastating to her.
I was tempted to give her one of her old eggs that I still have (pet snake might care about them, though he might still be too young -- he's one tiny guy), but realized it would be best to let her heal this herself. An old egg probably wouldn't help.
She's okay now, a few days later. She's back to playing with toys and eating -- though I coaxed her with a few yummy treats.
I'm so glad she's okay.
- Post starter
- #107
littleoc
VIP Member
The last thing (besides being worried about my comps):
I agreed to babysit two boys and my nephew at the same time without my service dog. I'm hoping that couldn't possibly go wrong.
And:
I am trying to figure out why I'm so afraid of toilets... I can't figure it out yet. But I've pieced together some things. My dad has something to do with it. It's directly related to septic tank fears and broken pipe fears. Dirty running water fears.
When I go for my daily night shower, I've started remembering... something. I'm trying not to search for meaning in this, because I'm afraid my dad may have done something sexual, and I don't want to accidentally project this fear into reality in case it didn't happen.
But I do CLEARLY remember the bathroom door -- the one I'm actually currently looking at -- being broken down by my dad while my mom fearfully put all three of her kids behind her. I think it was the same night he tried to kill her and ended in up jail. For just hours, because his BBF bailed him out with the teeny tiny bail of 500$.
I hate that night.
There's also something that happened with the kidpanner. I can't talk about it though.
I need to find a memory to work with for EMDR to get this out. Right?
Anyway, that's that. Time for nightly routine. At 1:18AM, because I'm bad at keeping schedules. Lol
I agreed to babysit two boys and my nephew at the same time without my service dog. I'm hoping that couldn't possibly go wrong.
And:
I am trying to figure out why I'm so afraid of toilets... I can't figure it out yet. But I've pieced together some things. My dad has something to do with it. It's directly related to septic tank fears and broken pipe fears. Dirty running water fears.
When I go for my daily night shower, I've started remembering... something. I'm trying not to search for meaning in this, because I'm afraid my dad may have done something sexual, and I don't want to accidentally project this fear into reality in case it didn't happen.
But I do CLEARLY remember the bathroom door -- the one I'm actually currently looking at -- being broken down by my dad while my mom fearfully put all three of her kids behind her. I think it was the same night he tried to kill her and ended in up jail. For just hours, because his BBF bailed him out with the teeny tiny bail of 500$.
I hate that night.
There's also something that happened with the kidpanner. I can't talk about it though.
I need to find a memory to work with for EMDR to get this out. Right?
Anyway, that's that. Time for nightly routine. At 1:18AM, because I'm bad at keeping schedules. Lol
- Post starter
- #108
littleoc
VIP Member
Also, I'm really proud of myself for being able to start this diary at all. I was thinking about doing it since 2014. Now it's here!
AND I put it in the not-overly secured spot. I might make a second one that's more secured for the kidnapper stuff. Things I would never want to be fully associated with.
I'm proving to myself that I'm not being looked for. My diary is one of many here, and this post is not a court case proving my guilt. My ex COULD find this, technically, but she won't. And if she does then it's not my problem.
People aren't looking for this, they are not seeking it out. It is one of many diaries, with information that is unique but not so "special"/different that it will get to be too much. My dad won't stalk me to this location, will not try to figure out what I'm saying about him. It doesn't matter if he did, anyway. He can't prove it was me :)
I almost don't want to taint this one with too much of the pedophile stuff. We'll see what happens though. It doesn't matter too much anyway. :)
AND I put it in the not-overly secured spot. I might make a second one that's more secured for the kidnapper stuff. Things I would never want to be fully associated with.
I'm proving to myself that I'm not being looked for. My diary is one of many here, and this post is not a court case proving my guilt. My ex COULD find this, technically, but she won't. And if she does then it's not my problem.
People aren't looking for this, they are not seeking it out. It is one of many diaries, with information that is unique but not so "special"/different that it will get to be too much. My dad won't stalk me to this location, will not try to figure out what I'm saying about him. It doesn't matter if he did, anyway. He can't prove it was me :)
I almost don't want to taint this one with too much of the pedophile stuff. We'll see what happens though. It doesn't matter too much anyway. :)
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
