somerandomguy
VIP Member
Wow. That was amazing.
Hugs, if you can accept.
Hugs, if you can accept.
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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
- Start date
Freida
VIP Member
Wow! Look at you go!!! I am so very proud of you!
Correct!! You keep repeating it as long as you need to and I will keep reminding you that you are not a monster
Good girl!
So proud of you!
I'm proud of you too! I'm so proud of all the hard work you are doing and how far you have come...
- Post starter
- #123
littleoc
VIP Member
I haven't quite figured out the physical therapy yet, but I definitely did too much exercise today, at least.
Muscles were burning. My left leg was feeling constricted like it was in a tight pant leg or something.
I used to get that as a tiny child. When it would happen, I would swear it was becoming skinnier and that's what was causing the pain.
No idea what that's about. But it's okay. I'll back off on PT slightly, not too much. I don't want to lose my progress.
Also, I was convinced to go to McDonald's by my hungry brother. We were on the go and he was hungry, and he offered to get me something.
It's almost 3:30am and I have stopped getting sick. Lol. I laid in "bed" (I'm on a couch in my university preparing for the exams) for hours before I admitted defeat and let myself be sick. So uncomfortable. Y'all know how it is.
I thought maybe it was because I took acetaminophen on an empty stomach, trying to help with the pain, but acetaminophen is the one people take because it DOESN'T cause stomach upset. Not unless you get poisoned. Usually not something you'd know for a day, and then doesn't usually happen accidentally unless you take a million products and accidentally poison yourself -- almost impossible to do on accident, honest. Ibuprofen is the one that causes stomach upset, and it's still rather gentle.
So, I better keep avoiding McD's. I don't have much luck there :P Service dog checked on me and it was nice.
Nice feeling to be able to lay down without trying to comfort my stomach. I'll sleep now.
Muscles were burning. My left leg was feeling constricted like it was in a tight pant leg or something.
I used to get that as a tiny child. When it would happen, I would swear it was becoming skinnier and that's what was causing the pain.
No idea what that's about. But it's okay. I'll back off on PT slightly, not too much. I don't want to lose my progress.
Also, I was convinced to go to McDonald's by my hungry brother. We were on the go and he was hungry, and he offered to get me something.
It's almost 3:30am and I have stopped getting sick. Lol. I laid in "bed" (I'm on a couch in my university preparing for the exams) for hours before I admitted defeat and let myself be sick. So uncomfortable. Y'all know how it is.
I thought maybe it was because I took acetaminophen on an empty stomach, trying to help with the pain, but acetaminophen is the one people take because it DOESN'T cause stomach upset. Not unless you get poisoned. Usually not something you'd know for a day, and then doesn't usually happen accidentally unless you take a million products and accidentally poison yourself -- almost impossible to do on accident, honest. Ibuprofen is the one that causes stomach upset, and it's still rather gentle.
So, I better keep avoiding McD's. I don't have much luck there :P Service dog checked on me and it was nice.
Nice feeling to be able to lay down without trying to comfort my stomach. I'll sleep now.
somerandomguy
VIP Member
Hey, this cold/flu thing is definitely going around here. Maybe it's that and not fast food. Hope you mend soon, and good luck with those exams!
- Post starter
- #125
littleoc
VIP Member
I'm all better now! Must have been something I ate/swallowed. *shrug*
Thank you! :D
- Post starter
- #126
littleoc
VIP Member
I've been having the same nightmare for the past... two months? I've been working up courage to post it here, and I think I'll try to tonight, because I think it would help to get it off my chest. There's so much confusion and shame in it, like I'm literally the dirtiest thing imaginable. I mean, that's the main thing about most of the trauma, so yeah.
Writing it here to see if that will help. (Also, future content warning involving sexual assault on a child and a dog. If I am able to do it -- I probably won't try to force it. :) )
Writing it here to see if that will help. (Also, future content warning involving sexual assault on a child and a dog. If I am able to do it -- I probably won't try to force it. :) )
Freida
VIP Member
\
NO. NO. NO. No fungus! No dirty. No shame.
See how I can do that before you even tell us what it's about?? :hug:
- Post starter
- #128
littleoc
VIP Member
You're the best :hug:
- Post starter
- #129
littleoc
VIP Member
Okay. I've been hoping to talk myself out of it all day, but the fact that I feel so uncomfortable saying this makes me think it's time to get it out. I'll make it brief, rather than detailed, for now. That way I can expose myself to it in small doses. It's not scary anymore. I don't have to take it seriously anymore.
Also, I like accomplishing things.
Worst case scenario: I have a bad dream. If so? It'll be okay. I can wake up early and study slightly more! I can always nap midday. This will not cause a breakdown. I haven't had one of those for two years or so :)
I made myself feel on the spot, though, so I have no idea how to start except to be blunt.
I went to pedo's house that day, after getting off the school bus. Can't seem to remember if I was uncomfortable yet. I had to have been, though. Maybe I was just in that have-to-do-this-and-get-through-it state.
I took the puppy, Shadow, outside. In the fenced in backyard. She was having tummy troubles, so I had to give her medicine. Pedo's mom greeted me going in and out. She was watching Charmed.
Then, I went into the back bedroom. No, wait. I think I watched Charmed with his mother until pedo got home. Then I stayed there until he got home. He smiled kindly and said hello to me.
He'd already assaulted me at this point, but somehow we felt... close. Like friends. I didn't want him to feel guilty or think I was sad. So even after I continued to walk into his room, at the end of the hall, to hang out. I was social and knew I shouldn't let it be noticed if I was feeling less social with him.
He would play music on his speakers, loudly. If he noticed I was getting uncomfortable, he would sometimes turn it down. Only sometimes, I think. I can't remember what songs he played. Probably similar stuff to B and my dad?
He would browse on a computer that didn't work. I think all it did was play music. I kind of remember him saying he didn't like to use it. He had the window covered up with a blanket that was blue, with three wolf heads in front of a moon. Also, eagles, and Native American ladies. Over his bed was a stolen highway sign.
His bed was too high for me to get up on without climbing, or being put there. The bottom part was high up, and the boxspring was bare and blue. It was high enough that there was a dark "den" under the bed. The whole room smelled like cigarettes, and the wall had its biggest stain by the end of the bed, where Billie stayed. Her tail would sometimes be covered in mud, and when it wagged it would cover the wall too.
Billie was a dog who had some traumas in her life. She was adopted after being rescued from a crawl space, where a mother dog had her puppies. I don't know if she was the house owner's dog or if she was feral, but Billie was scared of most humans. She was only loyal to Pedo, though she started liking me. Billie had also become afraid of going into the backyard alone, though, because her friend, Blue, who was also Pedo's dog and was the sweetest dog I had known, passed away there. She had a heart attack, most likely. She died in a hole she had dug. Billie never wanted to go back there alone, ever since.
Billie trusted me enough to go out with me. I had known Blue before, and Pedo was incredibly sad when Blue died. That's why he was able to get Shadow later, though. He knew Billie might like company again. He adopted Shadow after meeting her for the first time, and he told me he couldn't turn a puppy down. He needed me to come by after school, if I wanted to, to let the puppy out, because his mom couldn't possibly.
I honestly don't think he intended for everything to happen, not then, but he certainly didn't keep away from temptation as much as he should have. There must have been something driving him to ask a child to puppysit, whether he could admit it to himself or not.
Billie had a schedule of her own. She made a lot of the rules, by dictating when dinner was ready, and when she wanted to go for her twice-daily off-leash walk. I stayed late that night. Past 7pm. I can't remember why.
I was in Pedo's room. Billie looked up, at attention suddenly. Tail wagging excitedly. I thought she was about to ask for a walk.
Pedo had talked to me before about how some people like dogs. He brought it up again, asked if I was curious. I'm always curious. It's my best quality. Kind of backfired here, I guess, but that wasn't my doing.
He pulled out a green towel. Dark green, some light bleached spots maybe, and a few holes. Maybe a cigarette burn on the edge. Good sized towel. Billie hopped up excitedly, hopping and a single bark like she does when she's getting excited for a walk. He put the towel on the floor, and she rushed to it, tail wagging. He pet her a bunch, saying he loved her and she was a good dog. Undid his pants, had to pull them down over his thing because his jeans were a little tight there. Kept petting her, though she turned around and licked it a little, like she licked hands when asking to go outside. Then she turned around, moved her tail to the side. He asked me to grab his lube. I did. He gently put some on her, couple fingers. did some things. Her face changed. Chin up a bit. And then he had intercourse. He talked to me after about how he got exposed to it, and how he knew it was right for him, how in love he was. Specified, oddly, that it was important to wait until they were not puppies. Otherwise it was abuse. He showed me later how to see if a dog was interested in you, how you can't force these things because dogs will straight up tell you if it makes them uncomfortable. He told me that a dog he had before Blue hadn't been interested, and he respected that.
I guess I thought by this conversation and future ones that I had wanted it. Somewhere in that relationship I kind of did. I understand now days that it was because of many reasons. It didn't make it okay, because I couldn't consent.
And he wasn't also kind to me. He told me my sister was prettier. He told me I was gross for... something I'm not ready to say yet. He kept my stuff occasionally.
But weirdly he did care, just enough to remember I was human, and to cry and say how guilty he felt, and to let me go. When he was moving to China, he asked to see me one more time. I still feel so guilty for not going to tell him goodbye. My dad had told me he wanted a goodbye.
My dad cared more about impressing him at that point than caring for me, because psycho reasons.
I also feel bad for not saying bye to his mom before she died. She knew she was dying. I couldn't go into that house.
Billie and I stayed friends even after I stopped seeing Pedo. Pedo was 45 years older than me. Billie was defensive of me, loved me a lot. Not in a sexual way. Not sure if that matters in this context? But she seemed happy enough and was okay. He had waited until she was an adult. He said puberty was fine for me, I guess.
But even Billie got upset about the relationship after she saw how my mood started to changed. She'd been there. She didn't act jealous. She acted concerned. Not at the sex, but at my mood. It's hard to explain. She became a bit apprehensive when it was a time I might get assaulted. But never at her time, and never at my presence, and she was fine with Pedo otherwise.
People say dogs don't have morals, don't know wrong from right. Can be taught absolutely anything and be taught it's right.
No more true than for a human child. Many people think that morals are universal, among all humans -- in fact, ABOVE all humans. And that animals don't have them. The truth is, morals aren't universal, and instead they change depending on culture, religion, species. Billie's morals all revolved around family and pack life. She therefore didn't pick up on the same things as being wrong, but she did pick up on someone she loved harming someone else she loved. And she had trouble loving humans, and was a peacemaker at heart.
It bothers me, that she knew I was upset. I worry that she felt helpless, like I did when I saw my dad try to kill my mom, multiple times in the same night. It's difficult to explain. Also, not necessarily right now. Because I've been typing for an hour and that's the amount of time I gave myself to do this :)
Getting it out was not as bad as I'd thought. I hope it helps alleviate the nightmares. :)
Also, I like accomplishing things.
Worst case scenario: I have a bad dream. If so? It'll be okay. I can wake up early and study slightly more! I can always nap midday. This will not cause a breakdown. I haven't had one of those for two years or so :)
I made myself feel on the spot, though, so I have no idea how to start except to be blunt.
I went to pedo's house that day, after getting off the school bus. Can't seem to remember if I was uncomfortable yet. I had to have been, though. Maybe I was just in that have-to-do-this-and-get-through-it state.
I took the puppy, Shadow, outside. In the fenced in backyard. She was having tummy troubles, so I had to give her medicine. Pedo's mom greeted me going in and out. She was watching Charmed.
Then, I went into the back bedroom. No, wait. I think I watched Charmed with his mother until pedo got home. Then I stayed there until he got home. He smiled kindly and said hello to me.
He'd already assaulted me at this point, but somehow we felt... close. Like friends. I didn't want him to feel guilty or think I was sad. So even after I continued to walk into his room, at the end of the hall, to hang out. I was social and knew I shouldn't let it be noticed if I was feeling less social with him.
He would play music on his speakers, loudly. If he noticed I was getting uncomfortable, he would sometimes turn it down. Only sometimes, I think. I can't remember what songs he played. Probably similar stuff to B and my dad?
He would browse on a computer that didn't work. I think all it did was play music. I kind of remember him saying he didn't like to use it. He had the window covered up with a blanket that was blue, with three wolf heads in front of a moon. Also, eagles, and Native American ladies. Over his bed was a stolen highway sign.
His bed was too high for me to get up on without climbing, or being put there. The bottom part was high up, and the boxspring was bare and blue. It was high enough that there was a dark "den" under the bed. The whole room smelled like cigarettes, and the wall had its biggest stain by the end of the bed, where Billie stayed. Her tail would sometimes be covered in mud, and when it wagged it would cover the wall too.
Billie was a dog who had some traumas in her life. She was adopted after being rescued from a crawl space, where a mother dog had her puppies. I don't know if she was the house owner's dog or if she was feral, but Billie was scared of most humans. She was only loyal to Pedo, though she started liking me. Billie had also become afraid of going into the backyard alone, though, because her friend, Blue, who was also Pedo's dog and was the sweetest dog I had known, passed away there. She had a heart attack, most likely. She died in a hole she had dug. Billie never wanted to go back there alone, ever since.
Billie trusted me enough to go out with me. I had known Blue before, and Pedo was incredibly sad when Blue died. That's why he was able to get Shadow later, though. He knew Billie might like company again. He adopted Shadow after meeting her for the first time, and he told me he couldn't turn a puppy down. He needed me to come by after school, if I wanted to, to let the puppy out, because his mom couldn't possibly.
I honestly don't think he intended for everything to happen, not then, but he certainly didn't keep away from temptation as much as he should have. There must have been something driving him to ask a child to puppysit, whether he could admit it to himself or not.
Billie had a schedule of her own. She made a lot of the rules, by dictating when dinner was ready, and when she wanted to go for her twice-daily off-leash walk. I stayed late that night. Past 7pm. I can't remember why.
I was in Pedo's room. Billie looked up, at attention suddenly. Tail wagging excitedly. I thought she was about to ask for a walk.
Pedo had talked to me before about how some people like dogs. He brought it up again, asked if I was curious. I'm always curious. It's my best quality. Kind of backfired here, I guess, but that wasn't my doing.
He pulled out a green towel. Dark green, some light bleached spots maybe, and a few holes. Maybe a cigarette burn on the edge. Good sized towel. Billie hopped up excitedly, hopping and a single bark like she does when she's getting excited for a walk. He put the towel on the floor, and she rushed to it, tail wagging. He pet her a bunch, saying he loved her and she was a good dog. Undid his pants, had to pull them down over his thing because his jeans were a little tight there. Kept petting her, though she turned around and licked it a little, like she licked hands when asking to go outside. Then she turned around, moved her tail to the side. He asked me to grab his lube. I did. He gently put some on her, couple fingers. did some things. Her face changed. Chin up a bit. And then he had intercourse. He talked to me after about how he got exposed to it, and how he knew it was right for him, how in love he was. Specified, oddly, that it was important to wait until they were not puppies. Otherwise it was abuse. He showed me later how to see if a dog was interested in you, how you can't force these things because dogs will straight up tell you if it makes them uncomfortable. He told me that a dog he had before Blue hadn't been interested, and he respected that.
I guess I thought by this conversation and future ones that I had wanted it. Somewhere in that relationship I kind of did. I understand now days that it was because of many reasons. It didn't make it okay, because I couldn't consent.
And he wasn't also kind to me. He told me my sister was prettier. He told me I was gross for... something I'm not ready to say yet. He kept my stuff occasionally.
But weirdly he did care, just enough to remember I was human, and to cry and say how guilty he felt, and to let me go. When he was moving to China, he asked to see me one more time. I still feel so guilty for not going to tell him goodbye. My dad had told me he wanted a goodbye.
My dad cared more about impressing him at that point than caring for me, because psycho reasons.
I also feel bad for not saying bye to his mom before she died. She knew she was dying. I couldn't go into that house.
Billie and I stayed friends even after I stopped seeing Pedo. Pedo was 45 years older than me. Billie was defensive of me, loved me a lot. Not in a sexual way. Not sure if that matters in this context? But she seemed happy enough and was okay. He had waited until she was an adult. He said puberty was fine for me, I guess.
But even Billie got upset about the relationship after she saw how my mood started to changed. She'd been there. She didn't act jealous. She acted concerned. Not at the sex, but at my mood. It's hard to explain. She became a bit apprehensive when it was a time I might get assaulted. But never at her time, and never at my presence, and she was fine with Pedo otherwise.
People say dogs don't have morals, don't know wrong from right. Can be taught absolutely anything and be taught it's right.
No more true than for a human child. Many people think that morals are universal, among all humans -- in fact, ABOVE all humans. And that animals don't have them. The truth is, morals aren't universal, and instead they change depending on culture, religion, species. Billie's morals all revolved around family and pack life. She therefore didn't pick up on the same things as being wrong, but she did pick up on someone she loved harming someone else she loved. And she had trouble loving humans, and was a peacemaker at heart.
It bothers me, that she knew I was upset. I worry that she felt helpless, like I did when I saw my dad try to kill my mom, multiple times in the same night. It's difficult to explain. Also, not necessarily right now. Because I've been typing for an hour and that's the amount of time I gave myself to do this :)
Getting it out was not as bad as I'd thought. I hope it helps alleviate the nightmares. :)
Freida
VIP Member
Wow. You are one amazing kid. No child should ever have to go thru any of this. And that you went thru all this horrible stuff and came out an empathetic, kind human being is flat out amazing. And no - there is nothing dirty about YOU in this story. This is a story about an amazing child who was being abused by a horrible, horrible man.
So here's a couple thoughts...
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
See the pattern? Maybe this would be worth a talk with your T about how programming works, so you can start to separate out which feelings are real and which were planted in your head?
And here's another something you might talk to your T about.... When you make excuses for his behavior is it because you saw him as the same age as you when all this as going on? As another child who is being abused rather than an adult who was doing the abusing?
I think you are right about Billie--- even the pup knew what was happening was wrong...for both of you
And I'll say it again -- you are one amazing kiddo!!! I hope getting this out helps get rid of those nightmares!
So here's a couple thoughts...
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
A way to bring you closer into his life - he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
Good girl!!!!! I am so very proud of you!
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
There is nothing that you an say that will make me think you are gross. No matter what you did, what he did, or anything else that involves you. He just wanted you to think that -- because then you would stay quiet.
This is programming. You didn't know it was happening because you were a child. He did because he was a pedophile
See the pattern? Maybe this would be worth a talk with your T about how programming works, so you can start to separate out which feelings are real and which were planted in your head?
And here's another something you might talk to your T about.... When you make excuses for his behavior is it because you saw him as the same age as you when all this as going on? As another child who is being abused rather than an adult who was doing the abusing?
I think you are right about Billie--- even the pup knew what was happening was wrong...for both of you
And I'll say it again -- you are one amazing kiddo!!! I hope getting this out helps get rid of those nightmares!
somerandomguy
VIP Member
Thank you for writing that. What happened to you? Wrong. And not your fault. You were obviously a pretty amazing kid, and it's terrible you went through that.
- Post starter
- #132
littleoc
VIP Member
Thank you :)
I guess it did help, because last night the dream I remembered was about my bathroom at home being so empty and free of clutter that it was easy to put down nice rugs, and easy to bathe my dog without her slipping, tripping, falling, and not really having enough room to even shake off properly :( Itll hopefully be reality soon.
I have mixed feelings about the replies. @Freida , I kept wanting to defend pedo but your words confused me. I'm relieved no one was too disgusted (at me), but I still feel confused. Maybe he wasn't my friend -- a friend wouldn't do that to someone. Maybe he was manipulative like my dad was. But in a way that was hard to recognize.
Even my dad was someone I loved at that age, most likely. Although by the time maybe siblings and I were seven, we were already writing letters to my mom with lists of evidences on why she should divirce our dad. He never really felt like a dad. Maybe the pedo did?
No, I had another neighbor who NEVER abused me who filled that role. He was extremely religious, but kind and loved to hang out and teach us (my siblings and I) life lessons. He even paid for some of my textbooks in college. HE was my friend. His adult son didn't talk to him anymore but he admitted to me when I was 14 or so that he hadn't been there to raise him, and while he thought his son was lazy and needed to stop relying on his mom, he felt he had a part in not being there to teach him, and in not being there for him. He said he deserved his son not liking him. He also said he'd never use us to make him feel better about it, because he needed to own up to it. Also, he saw a serial killer once but felt it wouldn't be appropriate to talk about that.
I don't what to figure out if what pedo was doing was wrong. I will repeat to myself that what he did to me was horrible, and I'm still angry at my father for letting him to do that so my dad could get attention. I hate that my dad goes around telling everyone, trying to get pity. He does the same thing for anyone he tries to kill. He went around asking for pity from neighbors when he was killing my mom, and when he killed his girlfriend. He's awful.
Pedo never asked me about how school was going. My mom was dying while we were friends, but he didn't ask me if I was okay. Teachers at school started to, once I stopped doing any homework.
The entire time I was getting assaulted, my mom was unable to get out of bed, was losing her hair, was constantly waking up terrified because she knew she was going to die and it was my dad's fault and no one would believe it. And he'd be our primary caretaker.
My mom had desperately reached out to our aunt to help take care of us. Aunt M. She had an infant called Emily who I miss dearly. Aunt M stayed with us and slept in a couch for months. Her husband was sexually abusing her kids, but my mom was so worried our dad would literally kill us I guess.
When her husband, my dad's brother, got in trouble for the abuse, he fled with them, and with Aunt M. The kids tried to stay out of school to prevent being trackable. Not sure who was in charge of that, honestly. My mom thought it was messed up that no matter what was done, they were tracked and screwed. Unless I interpreted her reaction wrong -- I was maybe 13 or so. Aunt M chose to stay with her husband, causing all her children to immediately be taken by the state. She knew it was what would happen. She eventually broke down and started accusing me of sexually abusing my brother. My dad did pit me against my brother, but thank god, never sexually. She'd gone nuts. Emily is in foster care, and her foater mom doesn't want me to see her. Well, doesn't want her family to see her, doesn't know I exist probably. My family is upset about it, and I am in a way, but if I were her I'd act similarly. Her immediate family seems dangerous.
Anyway, Aunt M should have noticed. Aunt M cleaned up my dad's hoarding mess. She got rid of so many of my most valuable things. I'm not over it. She asked to see my developing breasts once. She pulled us all (the youngest siblings, so excluding my sister who was 16 or so) aside one day and asked us if we had any sexual concerns or questions, and talking to my little brother about his balls. He was 9, maybe? I don't know if it was inappropriate or not. I don't know if she was scared for us (then why not her own kids?) or if she was taking advantage of us.
Her husband died later of a brain tumor. One of the slowest, most horrific deaths I had ever seen. He had been convinced it was Lyme desease for so long that it was too late for him.
He never even had Lyme.
There was a lot going on at the same time. My issues feel incredibly unimportant in that context.
I'm glad my mom wanted to save other women, and that the experiential treatment actually did cure cancer. She was in the final stage, where it spreads to lymph nodes and other tissues and is 100% terminal. My dad thought his plan was going so well that he was calling his friends to tell them casually that she'd be dead within a few weeks.
Unfortunately she can't walk anymore. The treatment caused permanent nerve damage. But she lived.
I don't really want pedo to keep confusing me about the difference between friendship making and grooming. I want to do a study on dogs and find out if it's true that it only hurts them if they were puppies.
I guess it did help, because last night the dream I remembered was about my bathroom at home being so empty and free of clutter that it was easy to put down nice rugs, and easy to bathe my dog without her slipping, tripping, falling, and not really having enough room to even shake off properly :( Itll hopefully be reality soon.
I have mixed feelings about the replies. @Freida , I kept wanting to defend pedo but your words confused me. I'm relieved no one was too disgusted (at me), but I still feel confused. Maybe he wasn't my friend -- a friend wouldn't do that to someone. Maybe he was manipulative like my dad was. But in a way that was hard to recognize.
Even my dad was someone I loved at that age, most likely. Although by the time maybe siblings and I were seven, we were already writing letters to my mom with lists of evidences on why she should divirce our dad. He never really felt like a dad. Maybe the pedo did?
No, I had another neighbor who NEVER abused me who filled that role. He was extremely religious, but kind and loved to hang out and teach us (my siblings and I) life lessons. He even paid for some of my textbooks in college. HE was my friend. His adult son didn't talk to him anymore but he admitted to me when I was 14 or so that he hadn't been there to raise him, and while he thought his son was lazy and needed to stop relying on his mom, he felt he had a part in not being there to teach him, and in not being there for him. He said he deserved his son not liking him. He also said he'd never use us to make him feel better about it, because he needed to own up to it. Also, he saw a serial killer once but felt it wouldn't be appropriate to talk about that.
I don't what to figure out if what pedo was doing was wrong. I will repeat to myself that what he did to me was horrible, and I'm still angry at my father for letting him to do that so my dad could get attention. I hate that my dad goes around telling everyone, trying to get pity. He does the same thing for anyone he tries to kill. He went around asking for pity from neighbors when he was killing my mom, and when he killed his girlfriend. He's awful.
Pedo never asked me about how school was going. My mom was dying while we were friends, but he didn't ask me if I was okay. Teachers at school started to, once I stopped doing any homework.
The entire time I was getting assaulted, my mom was unable to get out of bed, was losing her hair, was constantly waking up terrified because she knew she was going to die and it was my dad's fault and no one would believe it. And he'd be our primary caretaker.
My mom had desperately reached out to our aunt to help take care of us. Aunt M. She had an infant called Emily who I miss dearly. Aunt M stayed with us and slept in a couch for months. Her husband was sexually abusing her kids, but my mom was so worried our dad would literally kill us I guess.
When her husband, my dad's brother, got in trouble for the abuse, he fled with them, and with Aunt M. The kids tried to stay out of school to prevent being trackable. Not sure who was in charge of that, honestly. My mom thought it was messed up that no matter what was done, they were tracked and screwed. Unless I interpreted her reaction wrong -- I was maybe 13 or so. Aunt M chose to stay with her husband, causing all her children to immediately be taken by the state. She knew it was what would happen. She eventually broke down and started accusing me of sexually abusing my brother. My dad did pit me against my brother, but thank god, never sexually. She'd gone nuts. Emily is in foster care, and her foater mom doesn't want me to see her. Well, doesn't want her family to see her, doesn't know I exist probably. My family is upset about it, and I am in a way, but if I were her I'd act similarly. Her immediate family seems dangerous.
Anyway, Aunt M should have noticed. Aunt M cleaned up my dad's hoarding mess. She got rid of so many of my most valuable things. I'm not over it. She asked to see my developing breasts once. She pulled us all (the youngest siblings, so excluding my sister who was 16 or so) aside one day and asked us if we had any sexual concerns or questions, and talking to my little brother about his balls. He was 9, maybe? I don't know if it was inappropriate or not. I don't know if she was scared for us (then why not her own kids?) or if she was taking advantage of us.
Her husband died later of a brain tumor. One of the slowest, most horrific deaths I had ever seen. He had been convinced it was Lyme desease for so long that it was too late for him.
He never even had Lyme.
There was a lot going on at the same time. My issues feel incredibly unimportant in that context.
I'm glad my mom wanted to save other women, and that the experiential treatment actually did cure cancer. She was in the final stage, where it spreads to lymph nodes and other tissues and is 100% terminal. My dad thought his plan was going so well that he was calling his friends to tell them casually that she'd be dead within a few weeks.
Unfortunately she can't walk anymore. The treatment caused permanent nerve damage. But she lived.
I don't really want pedo to keep confusing me about the difference between friendship making and grooming. I want to do a study on dogs and find out if it's true that it only hurts them if they were puppies.
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