Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[Whirlwind]

What does a successful "get out" plan look like in a case like mine? Do I really have to suck it up and leave all my belongings behind? I don't care about furniture or even expensive electronics I've purchased, I just want to keep my books, clothes, and a couple kitchen items.

You can read some of my posts but I felt I was in one of the worst possible situations when it came to leaving...and yet I made it happen.

I think you have 2 options; get a DV support group or take a window and just get out.

For what it is worth, when you really "leave" their behavior may be different from what you anticipate (I mean in a positive way for you!).

You can do this, I didn't want to, I wasnt sure but I just decided to jump off the cliff and make it happen.

In order to make it stick...best thing is to go no contact for some period of time, you get your brain back on straight and it is much easier to stay strong. I mean 100% no contact he doesn't and cannot reach you by any means. No emails, no nothing.

What is this part of your plan look like?

Stay strong, just do it.

Whirlwind



Let me finish...my mistake.

Talk to other DV, I met some which were so depressing and unhelpful and found 2 jewels in maybe 8 groups I contacted. Even contact the same group and speak with someone different! Seriously, I nearly gave up only to find some amazing folks who stored my belongings for free and offered me places to stay for free.

They are out there, your life is worth fighting for and it may take a bit of effort but trust me...the reward is so worth it. I love my life today.

Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

honestly, there are ways to protect her that don't involve you staying in a DV relationship. And this...

I know this is not at all what you're intending, but the language in your comments is coming across as a little victim blaming. It's neither easy or predictable to be in this cycle. I can't tell you what it was like for you, but my partner's moods are not predictable and I have no idea when he's going to abuse me. I'm living in a state of constantly wondering what's going to happen next, and it's more like being a frog in boiling water than anything else. I want to get out, and I'm not scapegoating the dog - I'm genuinely worried about what to do regarding her.

 

[courelly]

Let me finish...my mistake.

Talk to other DV, I met some which were so depressing and unhelpful and...

This is great to know. Maybe I gave up too easily on this option and there are other centers/advocates in my area.

You can read some of my posts but I felt I was in one of the worst possible situations when it came t...

Thank you Whirlwind. My plan was to go no contact. Not answer him at all if he messages, etc. Since he has both self harmed in front of me and threatened it, I had planned on asking his sister if he's ok once in a while. She is aware of how he is and has encouraged me to leave him many times, and would not betray my trust by letting him manipulate me through her or anything like that.

 

[SameBoat]

hey! Thanks for sharing your story, I’m in a similar place as you right now, on the verge of leaving, have tried to leave before, two days ago I got as far as all my stuff packed in my car but instead of driving out of town I drove back home to him... why, that’s a good question because he barely had to ask before I was on my way... anyway, I don’t have much time but wanted to comment on the dog situation,
I’m not sure what you should do but I have decided to leave our puppy who I absolutely adore and he doesn’t really like her because he purchased her and I worry that if I take her it will cause retaliation on us and it will be a lot harder to run with a dog in tow.. it’s heartbreaking and all I can do is pray that he doesn’t want to keep her and he doesn’t hurt her but I think it’s risky .
Your situation sounds maybe less physically Risky for the pup and even moving and starting over with one dog is tough so I think you are Laing the right choice. Good luck to you!!

 

[Whirlwind]

Super! That sounds solid, you have a safe way of checking in.

As for the dog, I love animals so much...but don't let that hold you. You can't sacrifice your life as harsh as that may sound. You can always all the local humane society I would think to check on the pup. And while I say this cautiously not knowing your situation...I was stunned how passive mine reacted when he realized I left him and people KNEW. He turned out to be far more smoke than fire...and generally he is very cold toward animals and kids. Yours seems to like them? I bet he won't do a thing. Again, I cant say but I suspect.

In my case it helped that he knew people were aware of the situation...a counselor and since I was married I had hired a lawyer. When he got scary I literally told him I had spilled the beans to them and he could do anything and fact is the police would hunt him down. Crazy thing was how careful he was with me! Nicest he had been in years so to speak (but still a jerk;).

Mine also threatened suicide and pulled some stuff that was unbelievable....he was so full of it. He left on a "suicide trip" and literally blamed me and emailed his friends to say he was going to disappear (suicide). Actually left on his suicide mission and turned out he hid out with friends while soliciting for sex.

They are so full of crap you probably havent seen the full extent. I believed him and it killed me at the time. But you are not responsible for him and my counselor said it is almost always a pity play and not to buy into it.

Again, my situation but food for thought I hope.

You have momentum for leaving...have you written your plan? It doesn't need to be done but it makes it feel real.

Even his sister knows you should go.... there is a wonderful life awaiting you, believe me it is worth taking the leap.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[courelly]

Super! That sounds solid, you have a safe way of checking in.

As for the dog, I love animals so muc...

Honestly, the dog is all he has and I can't imagine him daring to harm her. His last dog (who died of cancer) was closer to him than any person, to the point that I was internally jealous of her at times! He treated her the way I wanted to be treated - with patience, unconditional love, and kindness. Sad to say that I've been waiting all this time for him to treat me like a dog, but there's the long and short of it.

Would it be ok if I wrote my plan and posted it here in response to your comment? Over the years this has been my biggest challenge, even though I usually love plans and outlines. Writing a plan for my safety and holding myself accountable for it has been scary.

 

[littleoc]

Hey, just wanted to add something to my earlier comment.

I don't personally view it as a distortion, but I view dogs as being equal in worth to us -- yet, I also think that dogs handle stress different than us, and that if it's coming down to your safety versus the pupper's probably-just-discomfort? I'm sorry if I caused a doubt -- if you can't do anything, please don't let it weigh on you. You need safety and support from your family two states away.

Maybe way after the fact, if it bothers you later? You could ask the most trusted mutual friend? But it's not as important as you getting out. I never meant to say that, so please don't let the pupper hold you back from getting to a safe place

 

[courelly]

hey! Thanks for sharing your story, I’m in a similar place as you right now, on the verge of leaving, have tried to...

I'm there with you - it's really hard to just keep driving away and not turn back, especially if they have you scrambled in the head. Horrible things he does today are things I'd never have put up with before him, but he's pushed my threshold over and over so that the bar of what I tolerate is significantly low. The slightest indication that things are going to be ok can be enough to make me throw up my hands and give in.

Do you have a getaway plan? It seems to be what most people advocate, and since it's the only thing I haven't tried, maybe it's worth a shot.

Hey, just wanted to add something to my earlier comment.

I don't personally view it as a distortion,...

Thanks for adding that. I love animals, and I also view dogs as equal to people. I know all abusers are different even though they are much the same, and I genuinely think he views the dogs as better than people. In his words, "Dogs are innocent, but people aren't." If he had a choice between saving a person or a dog from a burning building, I won't hesitate to say he'd save the dog.

 

[Friday]

We have two dogs that we're both very attached to. One we'd both consider "my" dog from before we were together. The other one we adopted last year, and she's still a relative puppy. When I leave, I'm going to leave the puppy with him, but if I leave him homeless or in the financial dust, same goes for the dog. There are still three months on the rental lease, which I could pay for if I'm away and he's searching for a job,

1. Stop this. Right now AND every time the thought/feeling comes up. (It will probably happen a lot in the beginning).

Part of breaking up with someone is no longer being responsible for them.

Seriously, repeat “We are broken up. I am not responsible for you or you life.” as many times as you need to until you actually believe it.

A BIG part of DV is misplaced responsibility.

( get ready to sing with me the DV Anthem! :singing: “It’s ALL my fault!” // feel free to join in the refrain... “It’s all my fault. I’m sorry. I should have known. I should have thought. I shouldn’t have made yooooooooou.... It’s all my fault! I’m so sorry!” :singing: )

His life, his choices, his actions... are. not. your. fault.... it’s not your responsibility to take care of him. Not even while you’re IN a relationship, thats always a choice, and no way in hell once the relationship is over. He’s not a child. He’s a grown ass man, and he can take care of himself. He might not want to, but he can. He might not be as well off as when he was with you, but that’s not. your. responsibility. to. fix.

Don’t even THINK of paying the mans rent while he looks for a job. Catch the thought, and stop it. Every time.

In my country, a person experiencing DV or similar unsafe living conditions can speak to police about having an escort, for protection, while they go back to pack up their personal items. This does mean first leaving, with minimal personal items... just the essentials to get you through a few days to a week while the escort is arranged. If this is available to you, I'd strongly recommend using it.

2. Same here in the US. (You’re in Canada, right? :bag: I hope I’m not mixing up paramedics) You don’t even have to have left, yet. You can arrange a police escort in order to pack up and leave in advance of leaving, and either meet the police at the station and ride over with them (or drive a moving truck over), or have them meet you at your home. I very strongly second the recommendation of doing so. Failing that, most departments appreciate a heads up that you’re planning on leaving, so if a 911 call comes from your address it’s ranked higher up on their dispatch, than an ordinary domestic call.

I can't break my end of the lease without legal action.

3. The worst that can happen is that you’re requred to pay the unpaid rent, (ie the exact same thing as if you stayed, minus the abuse) and a lot of courts will waive that when someone is leaving an abusive relationship / place the financial responsibility on the other person IF there is any. And there often isn’t, as the other person may well be a normal human being and pay their own rent, or get a room mate, etc., or the unit is rented out again without any kind of gap. While it MAY affect your rental history, it takes awhile for the court process to happen, and you’ll already be living somewhere else building good rental history, so when you want to move for a third time? You’ll have the good record as the most recent. This is another bonus to involving police, as there’s record of them ensuring your safe passage to present to the courts.

That’s assumig it even gets TO the courts, which often doesn’t happen.

Many leases even include an “out” for DV in the fine print right along with active duty military personel & govt employees. Instead of presenting them with your orders to move, you mail them a copy of your restraining orders.

Do NOT notify your landlord of your intent to leave until AFTER you’ve physically left. The only kind of person likely to complain about that security measure is the kind of person who would let the cat out of the bag / that the precaution is designed for, in the first place. Ditto, take the utilities etc. out of your name when you’re sitting in a hotel room, not in advance.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks for adding that. I love animals, and I also view dogs as equal to people. I know all abusers ar...

Fun fact -- maybe one that will help you think on it -- Hitler was an animal lover and advocated for the end of animal abuse in Germany. He was still a monster, but he only reportedly hurt a dog at his very, very end (and sort of out of need, long story). Point is, I do believe you that a person will treat dogs wonderfully, but not a human

 

[courelly]

1. Stop this. Right now AND every time the thought/feeling comes up. (It will probably happen a l...

Thank you for the detailed and helpful comment. You're right, I'm not responsible for him and it's not my fault if he struggles. I don't owe it to him to take care of him, whether we are in a relationship or not. He might expect me to make him some toast because that's the toxic dynamic the relationship perpetuates, but I don't owe him toast, etc.

I am VERY nervous when it gets into legal talk, breaking leases etc. I've been trying to think hard about why that is, and I know now. It's that I'm afraid of retaliation. No, I don't owe it to him to take care of him, but if I make sure he's set up financially/house wise, he will be less likely to go after me once I leave. I've seen him play this out in other situations. He gets fired from a job, he harasses them on social media or via email until they give him some kind of settlement. He lived with his mom/stepdad for a minute while he was jobless. He agreed to leave the house after his stepdad gave him a sum of money.

 

[courelly]

Fun fact -- maybe one that will help you think on it -- Hitler was an animal lover and advocated for t...

Oh boy, that is quite a fact! It unfortunately makes sense though.