Is it okay to tell a child that santa clause is real?

[littleoc]

Context:

I have lived much of my life not being allowed to experience reality. Most notably (and very simply put), my ex convinced me that I was not a human being. Or an animal. I lived ten years being something else, having to act correctly and agree it was real without hesitation (or I'd regret it). There were elaborate stories I had to build (or face serious consequences) around numerous characters that had to be proven to be real, almost constantly.

It was a living nightmare and not something I can explain easily. I feel insane if I think on it too hard.

So... I don't know what's okay.

I did grow up with the Coca-Cola Western style, red-suited Santa Claus. I stopped believing in him on my own, as well as the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny and what have you. Not the same as other kid -- I felt like I needed to fake believing in them, or my mom would get depressed. My dad made it hard to keep up things like that. There were nights he would literally steal the coin that was placed under our pillows to buy drugs or alcohol.

I WANTED to believe in Santa so badly that when I got a surprise gift from my adorable little brother, I tried to cling onto evidence of Santa's existance despite knowing it wasn't real. After my little brother excitedly told me that HE had gifted me the thing, I got upset and heartbroken and felt very stupid.

Similar situation when my brother's first grade class built leprechaun traps, and we all got an aquarium ready to keep him in. My mom awkwardly let us know how smart Leprechauns are, and that they might get out of any really good trap with magic... luckily the teacher sprinkled green glitter on his trap. Less disappointment.

My wanting to let my mom believe that I believed became horrendously dangerous really fast when I was 12-13 and ended up with my ex, who forced the lack of reality. It has really screwed me up.

I remind myself often that it is okay to be human, to be an animal.

So.... do you have opinions? I can tell this is a distortion just by looking, but should I adjust or not?

My thoughts currently that I would like being challenged on:

1. Telling a kid that Santa is real and creating elaborate stories around it can be confusing and traumatic (not PTSD-levels of traumatic, obviously). Therefore, I might just be better off teaching my personal kids that it's a story that they can PRETEND is real, but know that it isn't. It seems healthier that way. I would just have to tell my kids to not be bullies by ruining other kids' dreams? Obviously I'd word that much more appropriately. Don't FORCE people to take on your views of Santa.
2. Will kids without Santa in a Western context feel robbed of not having Santa and other stories? Would it mess up childhood in relation to peers?
3. Would not having Santa make beliefs harder to form somehow? It couldn't possibly make kids "too rational," right?
4. Would I cause harm either way?

 

[Mytime]

I’m not sure I’m answering your question right but I’ll try.
When my kids were little they believed in Santa. But Santa wasn’t just a person, he was a sprint of Christmas. The sprint of caring and giving and he shared that sprint with other. That way if he couldn’t be there, he sprint could. You see his sprint in the Santa you see in the stores. You have his sprint when you donate toys or money, when your being kind. As my kids got older of course they knew there was no Santa Clause in a physical way. But they know there is in a Spiritual way when they show kindness, donate gifts or money and care for others. I’m not sure if this is what you asking. If not I’m sorry for misunderstanding the question.

 

[littleoc]

I’m not sure I’m answering your question right but I’ll try.
When my kids were little they believe...

That is what I was asking, and yours answer is the kind of thing I was looking for. I like that idea. Thank you so much

 

[Friday]

Santa IS real.

 

[Suzetig]

I think fairy tales and magic are part of childhood and something I feel is important for my kids. We do “do” Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy etc in the same way as we do Disney and movies and magic.

Santa in our house doesn’t bring all of the gifts, he brings the kids their stockings (which have small toys, sweets, bubble bath, gloves etc). Their “proper” gifts come from mum and dad and family members. They still write a list to Santa but he talks to mum and dad about what’s possible. So some magic, but not massive pressures (on us as parents to get whatever they want) and not a massive degree of disappointment because most gifts come from mum and dad.

I can see how the idea of being misleading or dishonest with your kids would be a real challenge for you - I guess I think of it as storytelling and don’t overthink it.

There’s a kid in my child’s class at school whose parents don’t do Christmas really, including Santa - December is a horrible time for her because the whole school is preparing and excited but Santa doesn’t come to her house.

 

[Ronin]

Ditto on Santa IS real.

Its what you do with stories and context, that matters so much.

You are not trapping a kid in a false reality. You are giving them a childhood. Normal, happy, shared with other kids and adults, look forward nice things, surprise, magic, shinies abound, childhood.

And as to you, you decide who and what you are or are not. :) What you dont want, you get to toss or transform. What you like, you get to keep.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

I think it would be ok to tell your child santa is real if you would like to. I agree with mytime about santa really being about the spirit of christmas rather than a physical person. It truely captures what christmas is really about. As long as santa isnt about getting stuff, its a wonderful, magical feeling which brings so much joy. So rather than a false reality, it will give them magical, happy memories to look back on when they are older.

I know it might feel to you like you are misleading them, due to what you have been through. However, your intent is so different to that of your abuser. The intent here is to create a nice experience which is totally fine.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I love New England at Christmas time. Santa is a big part of the young children’s life at that time. There’s the materialistic Santa at the mall, the philanthropic Santa ringing the Salvation Army bell, the Santa who comes to town in a fire truck. There are lovely traditions in New England. We get snow and it’s all very magical. But also a time to bring people of different faiths together to share their culture. Children are very accepting that there are many different people. In our house we made a gingerbread house every year. Last year we didn’t make one and my kids are 33 and 35. There’s baking cookies and giving them away, handmade ornaments out of cornstarch clay. In our house Santa filled stockings and left one present. The others were from me or their dad. At church there were lessons in charity and holding breakfasts at church to donate to charity. My children learned at school that Santa wasn’t real. There were no broken hearts. They still enjoy the traditions of the season.

Having painted that quaint picture, I did have pangs of guilt that I was lying to my children. No harm done, they learned about faith, hope and charity.

 

[somerandomguy]

@littleoc - it can be difficult not to view everything through a trauma lens when you're in the middle of working on your trauma ... but I think that's what's going on here.

You can tell kids things that aren't strictly true, and it's not abusive. Santa is a great example. If it's done in fun and with a wink, kids really love the magic of believing in something that ... well, it can't be real, can it? I think you're selling kids short. They can believe and not believe in something at the same time. That's what makes kids both resilient AND prone to trauma. And part of the fun is letting them discover that even though there might not be a Santa, it really doesn't matter. Santa IS real - kind of.

My son asked me if Santa was real a couple years ago. I think the best answer is "What do YOU think?" He told me he thought Santa was me & my wife - but then this past year he went back to "believing" in Santa again.

 

[Sideways]

Cultural folk tales that spark a child’s imagination (and personally, I think imagination, learned as a child, can be inspirational and healing throughout a person’s life) are so few and far between these days. Folk tales and myths and fairy stories are something we’ve used to teach and inspire children for thousands of years, and part of how we connect, culturally, with the people around us, and between different generations.

Santa is one of the few that we have left - one of the few that, as a community, we embrace and celebrate. Sharing the fairy tale of Santa with your children is something that is going to give them a sense of belonging in a cultural sense. Santa is everywhere Christmas, and kids enjoy being part of that.

Like most folk tales, handled in a healthy way, kids cotton on at some point that Santa is bogus. But by the time that occurs? They’ve usually come, over successive years (in healthy households at least) to associate Santa with joy, family and gift giving.

When we talk to our kids about Santa, it isn’t connected to a whole chunk of morality. He makes a list of good kids and bad kids, but the concepts of good and bad are vague, and kids end up with presents, so if they’re sensitive to the morality of it all, they get reassurance that they’re good kids (so there’s no fire and brimstone). When you tell your kids “Santa is real!”, you’re really only sparking excited, enthusiastic imagination. All positives.

Sitting down with kiddo and telling them that reindeer could pull a present-weilding saint across the sky to bring joy and presents to kids all over the world - that’s an image that is rich in fantasy and encouraging your children to indulge in positive imagery and use their imagination to push the boundaries of possibilities and potential. All for the sake of giving every child on earth a present just because.

I usually err on the side of “truth is best” with kids. Santa is one that I think it’s okay to make an exception with:)

 

[Mee]

I think the truth thing is really interesting with Christmas.

Sintaklaas is indeed legendary based on Nikolaos. What a great opportunity when young minds figure it out to teach about perception of popularity in a fun way , media portrayal; that the real guy was really ’more than enough’ ( whether you believe in Christianity/catholosism or not St Nick is kind of mire interesting with a more diverse resume ) .

I’ll be honest; I feel more damage us done by the size of chistmases : the extreme commercialism and stress people put them selves under .

I think what you decide will be right for YOUR family

 

[TruthSeeker]

Context:

I have lived much of my life not being allowed to experience reality. Most notably (and ver...

I think someone will tell him Santa isn't real or if he asks, it can be you. The magic of Christmas and Santa for kids is what I focus on. Santa is imaginary. I believe imagination can help us solve simple life problems, make life funnier and happier, and allow people and kids to solve problems out of the box-bigger life problems. It is also a protective mechanism, an inventor's need, a way to think differently. You can teach the words imagination and pretend to children at a very young age Pretending is a natural part of play.Pretending and imagination to me are magical and I use them to solve little life problems. Ever had a birthday party and forgot the matches? Just put the candle in the cupcake, tell the little one we will have a special magic flame, count to 3, open eyes, and there it will appear-an imaginary magic flame. Then blow it out! Sing the birthday song and open the packages. I avoided a tantrum. Then say, our imagination can solve many life problems. I would have cried 5 years ago if the party wasn't perfect-and had a tantruming kiddo. Now I feel much better solving little problems and big ones by embracing imagination. I imagine that someday all my parts will join as one, and this gives hope for the future. I believe Santa is just a moment in time with imagination for little ones.