you honestly want them to change this tradition for you?
The world isn't going to change for you...
Eve, unless you're far less self-aware than I think, you know you're being grating for fun or whatever. Never did I utter those words or even feel that desire for anyone to change for me, and you know that, too. This whole post of yours is silly and unnecessary, but because I feel ok to type today, I'll respond. I despise myself. I also hate "being a member of this household" which is a phrase I'm parroting, what I am told by the two people in the world who care about me. There was a time I did NOT consider myself part of the household. I still kinda don't. Clearly, this was not how I envisioned my life.
I'm trying to change as fast as and as best as I can. I became ridiculously ill and for a while it looked like I might as well be put in an institution on a permanent basis. I might well have killed myself or just died, I don't know. My father wiped me up pretty much from the street, and both my parents chose differently, to take me in, to fight my illnesses, and I ended up getting better, very, very slowly. I am EXTREMELY lucky, and grateful, to be where I am with people who love me and help me. My mother does a lot to help me, too. She can't help some of her behavior, as I can't help some of mine. Sometimes I help her. Sometimes she helps me. She's not totally well herself.
I'm grateful that I'm alive. No, scratch that. I'd just as soon be dead. My parents actually prefer things this way. I don't know why. I don't deserve it. It's possible, if I'm still around after they are gone, I will do something different. It doesn't appear that will happen anytime soon. So, on the way, I'm trying to find a way to live with some happiness or contentment. Right now I'm nothing but a drain on my family (even with income going into what might be called the "family pot", I am certainly an emotional drain) and I hate it. I want to be a useful, productive member of society.
That I have one person to love me and help me, that is... I can't express how wonderful and rare it is, and I know it. I've got two such people. I'm lucky to have a single person care about me, let alone two.
As for my age, how old it "seems" I am - it goes up and down. That happens with lots of people on this board, doesn't it? I don't have anything I'd call alters, but sometimes I feel "little" and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I am in the middle, sometimes I am drugged up and don't even realize it. Some precious times I have clarity of thought and I can read or write, both things that used to be a part of my "real life", pre-illness.
But, please. I don't need more contempt than I already have for myself. I happen to think you're right. I think I should have zero rights. I'm a lump and a drain. Sometimes I act differently, because maybe that will help me * be* different, be better, and happier, and finally be more productive than I am now. Some people have told me, that can happen.
