T vulnerability as a weapon

[Justmehere]

I’m currently having a debate with my therapist about “letting her in” on a certain subject. I tend to act like it’s “a reason to run!”

Past experience shows that letting her know the most painful and vulnerable things about me... helps her help me. Again and again.

It’s so hard to do.

I have to reframe it often.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I’m currently having a debate with my therapist about “letting her in” on a certain subject. I...

How though? Like if I told my t some deep, dark shame stuff the only thing he could do is “accept me” and he’s PAID to do that so it isn’t really real. There’s nothing he could say about it. He can’t change the past for me. So I find that stuff really tricky.

 

[Justmehere]

There’s nothing he could say about it.

Do therapists have magic words to change the past? Of course not.

Does that mean he would have nothing to say about it? I don’t think so. That’s making a ton of assumptions about something you haven’t tried yet (and is quite unlikely.)

Acceptance and what is called “corrective emotional experiences” in therapy can actually be quite healing. Look at how much you already enjoy the causal chit-chat talk already. That connection with him is already something you benefit from doing. Imagine if such acceptance extended to the deepest matters of the heart. It can be helpful to experience that. Paid or not. Part of the brain only experiences it as acceptance by another person.

In my own therapy, it’s not a matter of my therapist simply hearing the vulnerable things about me and accepting it. We deal with that stuff. She challenges me to re-frame things, try new skills to work the matter through, do homework through the week on the issue, process through trauma using various trauma treatment techniques. If just heating vulnerable things he said to a person who was not responsive to them is what therapy is about then all the years of schooling wouldn’t be needed.

Plus, being able to be vulnerable with people is a relationship building skill. Therapy is a really good place to practice that skill and build up that relational muscle. Intimacy builds connection.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Do therapists have magic words to change the past? Of course not.

Does that mean he would have not...

I guess my issue is that I already WAS vulnerable to the last t and that didn’t help. She wouldn’t even say anything after I said all the really hard bits. Just sat there. And it was good to just get out that stuff and have her not like run away or anything but I wouldn’t consider it healing. It was facing a fear.

 

[Justmehere]

A therapist sitting silently and never ever saying anything would be weird. Some silence to allow the feelings to be there, and then eventually saying something is more common.

This therapist isn’t your past therapist. I’d suggest asking about his treatment plan and how he would handle sharing vulnerable topics, and to share with him your fear he will just sit there and say nothing like the past therapist.

Otherwise, in a way, you are repeating the past - only leaving him out. You are getting no helpful responses or treatment for the deeper issues.

 

[UnicornSightings]

This is a new therapist.

Probably worth it to ask what his treatment plan is and how he would hand...

Haha I don’t think he does a treatment plan cause we don’t set goals lol! I was really freaked out when he said that and questioned if he would be right for me. He said he’s willing to but that goals always change and we would know when our time together was up. I know MANY would run away from that but that took away a ton of pressure. And my goals DO change constantly. So one thing that he said last time that I’m kinda nervous about is that there’s a technique to tell a story (a memory) many times, each time slowing down a bit more when saying it in order to get to the emotions behind it. I loved the idea! When my last t gave me a scary idea I’d say I want to do it but not yet. And then she would forget about it and I’d be good scared of doing it to remind her. So anyway, I’m not doing that this time around. It’s a good idea and I have a memory I’m gonna talk about Tuesday to try it. And maybe it WILL make a difference because he’s not the same as she was. Definitely starting with an easy one though.

 

[Rumors]

I think finding peace in being vulnerable puts you one step closer to finding your authentic self. It is tough especially bc it doesn't come naturally given our history. I certainly don't have it down but I have been able to find some partial peace on sharing difficult things in therapy. It has made a difference in my overall healing. Good luck!!

 

[NightSky]

It’s not about changing the past. It’s about healing the effects of the trauma.
My T knows that being “seen" makes me feel exposed and little me is highly triggered by feeling exposed. My T helped me learn that about myself because we've talked SO MUCH about particular childhood experiences that were hard to talk about plus current life stuff that triggers those feelings. This week at work I had a really triggery thing happen and I wanted to hide, and wanted to self harm, and couldn't figure out how not to do both of those things. I emailed her. And she wrote right back reminding me that little me was in danger mode and had me feeling like everyone could see my history but that I was safe from that, and in fact they could only see adult me. I read and reread her email until I settled back into trusting that I didn't need to hide or hurt myself. I couldn't have had that support without a lot of vulnerability leading up to it. Just one example of SO MANY.
I agree you should talk to your T about your previous T just sitting there and not showing any reaction. Mine is so warm and empathetic, without ever acting shocked. It's is healing to tell stories that have been locked up for my whole life. Having a witness. Being less alone. And then having someone on my team helping me learn how to change for the better.

 

[UnicornSightings]

It’s not about changing the past. It’s about healing the effects of the trauma.
My T knows that be...

Thank you for sharing! That sounds like a powerful relationship you guys have! I told him about HOW I told my last t but not her reaction. But she was a really good t. Like she did everything by the book, you know? So I don’t doubt her technique. Although maybe I should? Maybe her reassuring me after would’ve been really nice. I dunno what she was thinking by being silent. I should’ve asked her but I was always so anxious...

 

[NightSky]

I don't know where my post went. Ugh. Don't put too much energy into trying to figure out your prior T. Put your energy into your new one. Every client/T relationship is unique.