Freida
VIP Member
No need for this! You may not have talked about the depression -- but you did talk about the things that were making you depressed -- so it's still a win....
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Don't want to exist but can't end it
- Post starter Sweetleaf
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No need for this! You may not have talked about the depression -- but you did talk about the things that were making you depressed -- so it's still a win....
- Post starter
- #14
Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
I don't think what I talked about touched on the stuff that's making me depressed at all. I talked about a common element of many traumatic events of mine, and a specific thing that triggered me and made me think of it, and we worked on that with EMDR. It's just an element of many of my traumas (semen), and a lot of things were reminding me of it and it was bothering me a lot. Seems less impactful now, like a week ago I would be fighting the urge to gag typing this, and now I feel okay. Actually I'm a little nauseous feeling now, but the "revulsion" meter isn't as high as it used to get.
That trigger was tied to a lot of bad feelings but it wasn't one of those ones where I would be exposed to the trigger and then get hit by depression and suicidal thoughts, if that makes sense.
Freida
VIP Member
Yep - makes perfect sense to me. Baby steps -- especially in EMDR. As long as you are moving forward you are moving. It might not be where and why you think, but as my T tells me all the time... "your brain is wise - it will bring up what you need to heal. Even when it doesnt make sense to you" Maybe think of this as a round where you work on your window of tolerance so that when it's time to deal with the one that makes you suicidal you will be ready.
All that aside - the most important thing is keeping yourself safe. If you get overwhelmed keep reaching out and asking for help.... We are all here for you!:hug:
LilyRose
Platinum Member
don't have any advice, i am feeling the same way at this moment... your not alone in this :hug:
It's a hard way to exist, I am there too. I want to fade away....leave no trace like a footprint in the surf. But I can't. So pray for that giant asteroid or a pandemic, because that's our best play. Or risky behaviors like drinking yourself to death. Look, it is possible to wish for death and cope with life in a way that is reasonably functional. I have come to see I am powerless over my CPTSD. It's my lifelong buddy. I am not sure why I eat well, exercise, take my meds, blah blah. I don't want to last a long time. But I quit drinking 9 years ago. The survival urge is stronger than the quality of our lives, I guess.
- Post starter
- #19
Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
Really feeling like shit right now.
Not going to do anything stupid but... holy f*ck I hate this.
I kind of just want to vent some. That's the reason for this post. I want to kill myself but I can't let myself do that. I won't let myself do that. I want to hurt myself so much, but I must resist it. But I'm tired of suffering in silence.
I'm not going to hurt myself or kill myself, or try to, but having to feel the -desire- for those things just f*cking hurts. I just want to talk about it, that's all. I just want to say "hey, I am kind of suffering here" and that's it. I can't open up to anyone I know about all of this. I don't want to, and on top of that, they don't deserve that, and they probably wouldn't handle it right anyway. They'd probably freak out and overreact.
I've been doing good these past days, better than usual. I'm just having a bit of a hard moment right now, at this moment. I know it will pass. But it's here right now.
Of all the people I could have wound up existing as... it had to be this person... it had to be me. f*ck. Why? Why did I have to be the statistical outlier that gets to deal with this brain and this body? I HATE IT
I'm having a really hard time pressing "post reply" here. f*ck it.
Not going to do anything stupid but... holy f*ck I hate this.
I kind of just want to vent some. That's the reason for this post. I want to kill myself but I can't let myself do that. I won't let myself do that. I want to hurt myself so much, but I must resist it. But I'm tired of suffering in silence.
I'm not going to hurt myself or kill myself, or try to, but having to feel the -desire- for those things just f*cking hurts. I just want to talk about it, that's all. I just want to say "hey, I am kind of suffering here" and that's it. I can't open up to anyone I know about all of this. I don't want to, and on top of that, they don't deserve that, and they probably wouldn't handle it right anyway. They'd probably freak out and overreact.
I've been doing good these past days, better than usual. I'm just having a bit of a hard moment right now, at this moment. I know it will pass. But it's here right now.
Of all the people I could have wound up existing as... it had to be this person... it had to be me. f*ck. Why? Why did I have to be the statistical outlier that gets to deal with this brain and this body? I HATE IT
I'm having a really hard time pressing "post reply" here. f*ck it.
mumstheword
VIP Member
You are being courageous. You are talking about it. That's Huge!
Many, many, many of us have felt similar. It sucks so bad. I'm glad you are talking about it though! It does help, it just takes time, loads of time and good support, to feel substantially better, but it's worth it!
I'm glad you don't want to act on the feelings. I just lost yet another friend to suicide and it's a really hard thing to bare, being left with all the feelings, grief, horror at how they didn't let you in when they were hurting so bad, so ....yay you @Sweetleaf !
You are letting us in :hug:!
You've been isolated and abused long enough! It's time for some validation, acceptance, understanding, come in to the fold with your peers! We get it, unfortunately, but true, you are not alone with this, even though it feels so terribly lonely and painful. We are walking beside you in cyberspace. Knowing the territory. We have the scars to prove we've been there and we don't wish that pain on anybody (I don't at least, I can't talk for everyone).
I wanted to disappear for so long. I couldn't take myself out though, because my long term abuser (the main sexual, violent predator, gaslighter torturor) got me pregnant 7 times, so I have innocent progeny that kept me alive.
I used to starve myself, cut myself, allow myself to be abused so badly, thought I didn't deserve to take up space or breath air. I was a living dead, for so long.
I eventually got into therapy though, mainly because I was worried for my children, I didn't care about myself, but eventually I started to feel like a person and found people who liked me and accepted me and I got trauma-informed care and I'm well on my way to recovery.
I know it's scary, and public mental inpatients health might not be for you, I couldn't get trauma-informed care from our local public psychiatric hospital but eventually got private trauma inpatients care.
Take it at your own pace, your sense of safety is paramount, so that you can start to stabilize. We are here to listen and support you. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
Many, many, many of us have felt similar. It sucks so bad. I'm glad you are talking about it though! It does help, it just takes time, loads of time and good support, to feel substantially better, but it's worth it!
I'm glad you don't want to act on the feelings. I just lost yet another friend to suicide and it's a really hard thing to bare, being left with all the feelings, grief, horror at how they didn't let you in when they were hurting so bad, so ....yay you @Sweetleaf !
You are letting us in :hug:!
You've been isolated and abused long enough! It's time for some validation, acceptance, understanding, come in to the fold with your peers! We get it, unfortunately, but true, you are not alone with this, even though it feels so terribly lonely and painful. We are walking beside you in cyberspace. Knowing the territory. We have the scars to prove we've been there and we don't wish that pain on anybody (I don't at least, I can't talk for everyone).
I wanted to disappear for so long. I couldn't take myself out though, because my long term abuser (the main sexual, violent predator, gaslighter torturor) got me pregnant 7 times, so I have innocent progeny that kept me alive.
I used to starve myself, cut myself, allow myself to be abused so badly, thought I didn't deserve to take up space or breath air. I was a living dead, for so long.
I eventually got into therapy though, mainly because I was worried for my children, I didn't care about myself, but eventually I started to feel like a person and found people who liked me and accepted me and I got trauma-informed care and I'm well on my way to recovery.
I know it's scary, and public mental inpatients health might not be for you, I couldn't get trauma-informed care from our local public psychiatric hospital but eventually got private trauma inpatients care.
Take it at your own pace, your sense of safety is paramount, so that you can start to stabilize. We are here to listen and support you. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
Freida
VIP Member
You are not suffering in silence any more -- you have us
And y'know -- that's ok. You can say you are suffering -- and I can say I'm sad to see you going thru this and wish it wasn't happening for you because it's not fair. You don't deserve this. At the same time you are handling it amazingly well so you need to give yourself some kudos for that. You can get thru this..... :hug:
- Post starter
- #22
Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
Gah, I kind of tear up reading your words @mumstheword and @Freida
The people on this site do indeed make me feel less alone in all of this. It is really unfair that we have to deal with these things, and that we were subjected to our traumas in the first place.
It feels really unfair to have lost years of my life to abuse. It feels really unfair that I can't live the life I wanted to live. It's unfair to struggle with all of this. Thank you guys for the supportive words.
I feel like tonight I came to talk about my feelings in this thread, because I was feeling them so strongly that I was having a hard time handling it, and I didn't really know what to do, so I came to this thread and started typing. It is not easy to open up but for me today it did release some of the pressure that has built up. I couldn't sit there and let the feelings stew anymore, without doing anything at all. I have been trying hard to soothe myself, to distract myself, to make the feelings not be so intense. It was really intense when I posted. I really wanted to hurt myself, and knowing that I couldn't let myself do that only made it more painful to feel that way.
I don't want to hurt myself so much now. I have calmed down some. Your supportive words have helped make me feel a bit better tonight.
It's very nice of you to say that, it does feel good to hear such things, though it is hard to make myself believe I'm doing well, when I feel like I am struggling, anguished, sad, regretful, worthless... I could go on and on, so many things.
It's hard to give myself kudos but I will try. Thank you.
I do have people that keep me alive. I wouldn't want to subject my mother to my death, or my sister, I also wouldn't want to dump that on my friends. I might not have had much contact with them over the past years, but I spent years around these people and they still care about me. Considering there's been a suicide among our circle, I already know just about how they would take it, and I wouldn't want to make them go through that again.
Children though... that is kind of a painful subject for me.
I don't have children. In fact I never will have any. At least not any that are my own, biologically.
There is a reason I always make sure to include that I hate not only my brain, but also my body.
Well, there are several reasons, but that's one of them. I am defective. My dreadful feelings in relation to my sterility have only increased with time. It really didn't bother me for a while. I think I was just young - none of my peers had kids at the time - now the people I know around my age are shooting them out left and right, and holy f*cking shit is that depressing. I feel like I'm majorly missing out on a super important part of life. There are parts of being human that I will never experience, there are parts of being a woman that I will never experience. I wish I could just accept it, and move on with life, without letting it weigh me down. I guess there are a lot of things I could say that about. I wish I knew how to deal with it better, I wish it didn't cause me to feel so bad. Most of all I wish I just had a f*cking normal, working, regular body.
This has been a trigger for depression/SI for me, for a while now. This was a thing before I had PTSD, but it didn't become something that made me feel really depressed and have suicidal thoughts, until maybe a year or so into my abuse. It's like a knife through my heart when I get reminded of my sterility, and the worst part is it's not even anyone's fault, it's not like I'm mad at people for mentioning their children or their child-creating abilities, it's just one of those things that makes me feel gutted, and soulless. It's a really frustrating feeling, hard to describe it precisely. It feels so unfair. It's crushing.
My abuser would also remind me of this wonderful fact about myself, calling me an evolutionary dead end, a genetic failure, things like that. He would use it against me, as a tool to make me feel more worthless, and that worthlessness is part of what kept me with my abuser.
I'm sorry. I just needed to talk about that stuff. I never really do. It's been a very long time since I have opened up even a tiny bit to anyone about this. It's hard to contain myself when something that makes me feel depressed and even suicidal at times, gets brought up by 100% pure chance, in a thread about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Just kind of ironic. I can't help myself. I feel like a shitty person for even mentioning any of this. If it weren't this thread, I would never say anything about it. It's not like I can just avoid running into the topic of children existing. Usually I just keep it all to myself.
It's far from the only thing that makes me feel depression, and have suicidal thoughts, of course, but it's one of the many things driving these horrible feelings. I haven't talked with my T at all about how I feel in relation to my sterility, though she knows I'm sterile. She just doesn't know that it really bothers me that I am. I suppose that's just like everything else that's making me feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I can't bring myself to tell my t or my pdoc about any of those feelings.
At least I can bring myself to talk about it here.
The people on this site do indeed make me feel less alone in all of this. It is really unfair that we have to deal with these things, and that we were subjected to our traumas in the first place.
It feels really unfair to have lost years of my life to abuse. It feels really unfair that I can't live the life I wanted to live. It's unfair to struggle with all of this. Thank you guys for the supportive words.
I feel like tonight I came to talk about my feelings in this thread, because I was feeling them so strongly that I was having a hard time handling it, and I didn't really know what to do, so I came to this thread and started typing. It is not easy to open up but for me today it did release some of the pressure that has built up. I couldn't sit there and let the feelings stew anymore, without doing anything at all. I have been trying hard to soothe myself, to distract myself, to make the feelings not be so intense. It was really intense when I posted. I really wanted to hurt myself, and knowing that I couldn't let myself do that only made it more painful to feel that way.
I don't want to hurt myself so much now. I have calmed down some. Your supportive words have helped make me feel a bit better tonight.
It's very nice of you to say that, it does feel good to hear such things, though it is hard to make myself believe I'm doing well, when I feel like I am struggling, anguished, sad, regretful, worthless... I could go on and on, so many things.
It's hard to give myself kudos but I will try. Thank you.
I do have people that keep me alive. I wouldn't want to subject my mother to my death, or my sister, I also wouldn't want to dump that on my friends. I might not have had much contact with them over the past years, but I spent years around these people and they still care about me. Considering there's been a suicide among our circle, I already know just about how they would take it, and I wouldn't want to make them go through that again.
Children though... that is kind of a painful subject for me.
I don't have children. In fact I never will have any. At least not any that are my own, biologically.
There is a reason I always make sure to include that I hate not only my brain, but also my body.
Well, there are several reasons, but that's one of them. I am defective. My dreadful feelings in relation to my sterility have only increased with time. It really didn't bother me for a while. I think I was just young - none of my peers had kids at the time - now the people I know around my age are shooting them out left and right, and holy f*cking shit is that depressing. I feel like I'm majorly missing out on a super important part of life. There are parts of being human that I will never experience, there are parts of being a woman that I will never experience. I wish I could just accept it, and move on with life, without letting it weigh me down. I guess there are a lot of things I could say that about. I wish I knew how to deal with it better, I wish it didn't cause me to feel so bad. Most of all I wish I just had a f*cking normal, working, regular body.
This has been a trigger for depression/SI for me, for a while now. This was a thing before I had PTSD, but it didn't become something that made me feel really depressed and have suicidal thoughts, until maybe a year or so into my abuse. It's like a knife through my heart when I get reminded of my sterility, and the worst part is it's not even anyone's fault, it's not like I'm mad at people for mentioning their children or their child-creating abilities, it's just one of those things that makes me feel gutted, and soulless. It's a really frustrating feeling, hard to describe it precisely. It feels so unfair. It's crushing.
My abuser would also remind me of this wonderful fact about myself, calling me an evolutionary dead end, a genetic failure, things like that. He would use it against me, as a tool to make me feel more worthless, and that worthlessness is part of what kept me with my abuser.
I'm sorry. I just needed to talk about that stuff. I never really do. It's been a very long time since I have opened up even a tiny bit to anyone about this. It's hard to contain myself when something that makes me feel depressed and even suicidal at times, gets brought up by 100% pure chance, in a thread about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Just kind of ironic. I can't help myself. I feel like a shitty person for even mentioning any of this. If it weren't this thread, I would never say anything about it. It's not like I can just avoid running into the topic of children existing. Usually I just keep it all to myself.
It's far from the only thing that makes me feel depression, and have suicidal thoughts, of course, but it's one of the many things driving these horrible feelings. I haven't talked with my T at all about how I feel in relation to my sterility, though she knows I'm sterile. She just doesn't know that it really bothers me that I am. I suppose that's just like everything else that's making me feel depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I can't bring myself to tell my t or my pdoc about any of those feelings.
At least I can bring myself to talk about it here.
mumstheword
VIP Member
So, so sorry... :unsure: I feel heartbroken for you. I wish I could do something to help or make it not hurt so much.
Dear, dear Sweetleaf, I wish, or hope, that it isn't so.
Truly sorry, I brought up this source of pain.
Please don't beat yourself up for opening up about it, shared pain is a little relief gained, I've found, anyway.
Words are cheap, I don't know how to express anything that could bring you comfort even though I wish I could.
I guess I'm feeling a sense of fertility guilt and I wish I could do something to take away the pain I've inadvertently caused you.
((((Hugs))))) so sorry.
Dear, dear Sweetleaf, I wish, or hope, that it isn't so.
Truly sorry, I brought up this source of pain.
Please don't beat yourself up for opening up about it, shared pain is a little relief gained, I've found, anyway.
Words are cheap, I don't know how to express anything that could bring you comfort even though I wish I could.
I guess I'm feeling a sense of fertility guilt and I wish I could do something to take away the pain I've inadvertently caused you.
((((Hugs))))) so sorry.
- Post starter
- #24
Sweetleaf
Diamond Member
@mumstheword there is no way you could have known, don't worry about it, please. The last thing I want is for you to feel bad or guilty for bringing it up, or having anything that I lack. I don't mind one bit that you mentioned your kids, and I'm also glad that you have them, especially if they helped you cling to life. There's nothing wrong with mentioning that stuff, and I certainly wouldn't want anyone to hold back in what they say out of the fear that they might trigger someone.
In fact just view it as a good thing that you brought it up - because it gave me a chance to open up about something that's really been bothering me, and you are right, it does help to share your pain. If you didn't say that stuff, I probably wouldn't have opened up about it. It was relieving to talk about it for once, instead of keeping it to myself like I typically do.
Thank you for being so kind and helpful, and for being here. Please don't worry about having brought it up, it ultimately helped me feel better to have talked about it.
In fact just view it as a good thing that you brought it up - because it gave me a chance to open up about something that's really been bothering me, and you are right, it does help to share your pain. If you didn't say that stuff, I probably wouldn't have opened up about it. It was relieving to talk about it for once, instead of keeping it to myself like I typically do.
Thank you for being so kind and helpful, and for being here. Please don't worry about having brought it up, it ultimately helped me feel better to have talked about it.
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