Childhood Always remembered the physical abuse but now i think there was sexual abuse as well

[Emotional girl]

I have always known that my father was physically abuse towards me when I was a child and it is something that I have been working through with my T.
However something changed in my thoughts last week and it started with a trip to the dentist.This dentist had exactly the same hair colour as my father and other features to his face were very similar .I found the whole visit so uncomfortable but especially when he touched my face. When I got home I felt sick,had several panic attacks and flashbacks but what has been disturbing me the most is that this visit to the dentist has triggered off this feeling that I was sexually abused.I am feeling so frustrated that I can't remember what he did to me , every time I try to think back I get a fuzzy feeling in my head but in the pit of my stomach I am pretty sure that something happened.
I saw my T today and I felt so distressed and upset and he asked me how I have come to the conclusion that this type of abuse had happened and I said I feel different this time when I think back and he asked me to give a percentage of how much I am sure and I said 80%.
He obviously didn't say that he thought that I had been sexually abused because that isn't his job but he said there are a few things that have showed up during therapy that could indicate that it was possible .
He has warned me the next few months might be hard for me and that I might have more flashbacks and memories or on the other hand I might have nothing at all.I feel so confused by it all, especially by the fact that I have repressed these feelings for so long and whether they are really real .If they are it would explain so much about why I am the way I am.
Has anyone else been triggered later on in life?

 

[Sweetleaf]

Thanks for posting this topic and talking about this, similar things have been on my mind lately.

I knew about my father showing me pornography as a child, I just had not thought of it at all in years until lately.

The thing is, in relation to that, there are memories that have come up, that were more uhh... sexual? involved? exposed?

I was too disturbed by them, I was already having a really hard time, both in general, and dealing with the fact that I had just realized, that I was sexually abused as a child (by being shown pornography regularly from 9/10), and had been in denial of that my whole life. Like, I didn't understand before, that what was done to me counted as sexual abuse towards a child, even though I knew it was illegal, and really wrong, and just disgusting. Funny how that happens with that shit and my adult trauma. It's one thing when it happens to someone else, and a whole different thing to have it happen to me, to have something in my own past. It's like looking at what happened to me as an adult and saying "that was torture" - just not something my feelings want to let me do, even if what happened clearly fits into the definition - that just makes me want to say "the definition of torture is too broad, I wasn't tortured, that wasn't torture, that was just some really bad stuff that happened. torture is like medieval dungeon shit, not the stuff i went through"

Anyway, I took those memories that came up, where I know it was one of those times and I was at the least exposed, like not clothed, doing stuff at least to myself, and instead of trying to fully remember it and delve deeper I just shoved it in my mental safe, which is something my therapist helped me come up with, to deal with memories or thoughts that I can't handle, and need to just put away to deal with later. Her and I came up with it, and then she reinforced it with EMDR sort of stuff.

The problem is I haven't been able to recall that stuff since then, like I can't delve deeper into it. I am afraid of delving deeper, because I already have a lot on my plate to deal with, trauma and therapy wise. It was only December 11th that I freed myself from my abuser. I have years worth of abuse to deal with already. Having more shit that disturbs me and distresses me, thrown on top of that, is just shitty. But, it would seem that the two things are interconnected in some ways. The childhood sexual abuse (I still don't want to call it that, it's like calling my adult stuff "torture") set me up to be more likely to wind up with abusive people as an adult. My therapist also has said "it might be older memories holding you back" at a point where the EMDR stuff we were trying wasn't working to lower my distress, in regards to my adult sexual assault trauma. Later that day, was when I initially went "oh yeah..." and remembered that my dad showed me porn as a kid. So I wonder if the two sets of things are connected in my brain, or something, and not addressing the childhood stuff is holding back my progress?

I really don't want there to be more shit than what I already know about. I've remembered things these past days, I mean, it makes sense that I will naturally recall some shit, thinking about a chunk of time I haven't thought of in years. But, what I don't like is the unexpected shit, if that makes sense? Remembering that I was shown porn as a kid, regularly, is one thing. Remembering that I masturbated during it sometimes, was another - something I had forgotten about, that happened, and that deepens how disturbed I feel about all of that shit.

The memories of doing that but without concealing it, and who knows what else, surfacing, I just don't like it. It's like, gee brain, thanks for hanging on to that all these years, and then showing me it now. NOT. Thank f*ck for that mental safe, even if it is weird as hell.

I am feeling so frustrated that I can't remember what he did to me , every time I try to think back I get a fuzzy feeling in my head but in the pit of my stomach I am pretty sure that something happened.

I know how you feel. It's frustrating that I can't pull up all the details of those memories, and that I might have more shit I don't even know about that happened (I really hope not). Those exposed, nude, sexual sort of memories that I had were fuzzy. I have been kind of been thinking on them. I know that there is more to what went on than what I have been recalling, I just don't know what it is and I can't access it.

At the same time, I don't want it to be there.

 

[Emotional girl]

@Sweetleaf Thank you so much for sharing your story with with me.I am sorry you had to go through what you did when you were younger.
My T kept saying the words sexual abuse to me today and I found it difficult to hear.I felt like no he can't be saying those words to me ,I was in disbelief but the more he explained things the more I realised he was describing me.
This sh*t just doesn't go away does it,just when you think you are moving forward something else comes along to screw you up.
I wish you all the best @Sweetleaf and I hope you get to find some peace .