Avoidance or nah

[Chris-duck]

So I have 13ish weeks now til my trauma therapy waiting list is over so I think i possibly just have too much time to stress over it.

I experienced CSA then sexual assault repeatedly by a few guys in a group as a late teen/young adult. I've now left the country where the guys were to return to my home country. And I have a relatively okay relationship with my family but the adult abuse from the other group of guys is really playing on my mind which lead to me seeking therapy again, although admittedly I had been diagnosed with ptsd prior to even meeting them.

I'm concerned that therapy is going to ruin the relationship that I have with my family now, I'm willing to be open about that with my therapist but I can see how even thinking it possibly could might show there's issues there ha. I've had therapy about that side of it before and I do believe it's relevant in the sense that how the adult situation happened probably wouldn't have gone how it did if I hadn't already been a bit messed up. I know I'm just anxious about talking about any of it and none of you are able to tell me what really matters to me and I don't want to be a client in therapy who is like "I have this issue as an adult but I'm unwilling to discuss my childhood trauma" even though I'm not unwilling to discuss it cos I can see the relevance. I'm just worried about the impact it'll have on my life now I guess. And it is definitely the other stuff bothering me more currently so I don't want it bogged down with the CSA crap which could sound more dramatic.

I'm unsure what I'm looking for from you. So feel free to ignore, share stories, kick me in the ass. Whichever, ha

 

[EveHarrington]

.....I’d not be so quick to assume that the CSA isn’t bothering you much.

The CSA is what “broke” your foundation in a sense and set you up to be more likely to develop ptsd as an adult.

 

[Still Standing]

uh...I'd be bold enough to say that it already has impacted your life or you would not have a diagnosis for it. As for your family, is it necessary that you discuss it with them. I have not discussed mine with my family, except to some degree with my hubby and a couple of trusted friends. Family does not need to get involved, even though the family was where my initial abuse started. Unless there is a need to confront or encourage others in your family to be in therapy for themselves or family therapy with you, why stress having to include them. It is probably wise to not stress over this and wait to see what your therapist has to say concerning your family. I am sorry that you have had to deal with so much trauma. It is hard to maneuver through. But there is hope in that you will learn coping skills that will help make life easier for you.

 

[Friday]

What I’ve found is that no one has the ability to ruin my relationships with others except myself & the others in question.

I’ve had relationships that people I loved and respected HATED. Either because they didn’t get on, or they didn’t like the way I was being treated (even though I liked it just fine). In order for their opinion to affect my relationship? I’d have to agree with them. I have no problem in agreeing to disagree. They don’t like them. I do. That’s all there is to it. <<< That wasn’t always true, esp when I was younger I had a habit of trusting other people’s opinions over my own. I learned not to. My opinion may change, but not because someone else wants it to.

Ditto, and even less challenging, people I don’t give a rip about opining about my relationships. I couldn’t care less. Even on Valium.

That doesn’t mean I may not take stock and evaluate my relationship with others, based on someone’s opinion. I’m just under no compulsion to agree with them, once I’ve taken stock. I MAY agree. I may disagree. The responsibility of that choice? Is on me.

So I’m not really afraid of people voicing their opinions about my life. That’s all they are. Opinions. And my own is the only one that matters, at the end of the day, because I’m the only one living my life.

But I had to go through that, a few times, to learn to be solid in it.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Chris-duck

I know I'm just anxious about talking about any of it

It is natural to feel anxious about speaking about any of it or all of it. You will need to form a strong bond with your T and get into a space where you can actually say the words and the world will not crash in...as you currently know it. Maybe you are trying to jump the hurdle before you have got to it? Idk

13ish weeks now til my trauma therapy waiting list is over so I think i possibly just have too much time to stress over it.

Yes I think so. Try and do some things you like doing. Keep your relationships on an even keel. As at @Friday said^^^

 

[Freida]

My T has been trying to get me to see how some of the things I learned as a child, in a great family, tie into how I handle thing as an adult. I always take it as she is criticizing my parents - and she repeats no - just pointing out how children take what they are taught and adapt it to when they face later in life. Good/bad/indifferent - what you learn in childhood will impact how you move forward and adapt. But you don't have to talk about ANYTHING until you are ready. If topics are off limits, then let them be off limits. Then, when you are ready, you can open that door. No need to rush it

 

[ILoveLife]

I agree with @Freida, there is no need to rush it.
When we are about to start therapy we just want to get on with it and rush it, plus the fear of what the T might think of us, plus the fear of dealing with it all... It's all understandable and perfectly fine to feel.

You'll be more comfortable after you start.

 

[Chris-duck]

Hey, Thanks everyone for your replies

@EveHarrington I know, I think I've probably just had more time to shove that down harder, and I have more to lose if I become not okay with it again, I was previously in therapy for CSA before I moved out and I just remember how difficult it was to talk about and then go home to my family and act like everything was cool. The adult situation is now further removed from my life so it's safer I guess.

@Still Standing Yeah, I might be jumping ahead of myself, I don't think I'll ever need to discuss it with my family, it's more that I don't want my feelings towards my family to change which would have an impact on the relationship. My family are already aware of it as they were either the perpetrators/knew at the time and didn't act on it, so not much can come of discussing it now, I think it's just that it finally doesn't have a pretty direct impact on my interactions with them and I'm worried about that changing back.

@Friday Sorry, I wasn't very clear in my original post, it's not so much that I am worried someone will think badly of my family/me for keeping them around, more that I'm kinda aware that my relationships with them are only normal because I've managed to shove all the crap to the back of my mind and pretend it never happened, prior to this I was pretty angry at them and it was difficult to be around them, I deliberately started ignoring it so that my relationships with the non-offending family members could continue which I don't think it could when having me and my whole family together was so stressful for everyone before.

@blackemerald1 Heh, yeah I'm almost definitely jumping ahead, a big part of me is kinda like "yeah, I don't have time for this, can I not just be okay already?!" And the other part of me is just like "Pssh, yer fine, just ignore it better", I get neither of these are very productive trains of thought. It's still ages away yet, you're right, I should just try and stay busy and keep my friends and stuff around me and deal with everything as it comes.

@Frieda I know, thanks, I think it's cos I know it's unfair for me to completely rule out talking about such a big part of my life, especially when it has had a big impact on me, I'm kinda feeling bad for whatever therapists ends up with me at this point to be honest, haha. I've just been here before and been so secretive that I don't really want it to be the same again. I just stress myself out, hah.

@Sietz Yeah, I know, it's like I've already rehearsed conversations in my head and I'm getting a bit obsessive, even though I've never even met this person as my intake appointment was with someone else (Incidentally the person I saw before for the CSA so I had no choice but to admit that, which is probably a good thing or it'd be months in). So I know realistically that I have no idea where the conversation will go and I don't know how I'll react to anything and I guess that's probably why I'm stressing so hard. I hope it is better once I've started anyway.

Thanks again everyone for the replies, sorry for the pure essay of a reply, I just wanted to take the time to reply to each of you. Thanks