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For men only

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@Lionheart777 - I am so sorry that you have to deal with this injustice on top of your trauma. It's hard to believe even your close friends would treat you that way. No one here who knows you even a little bit would ever think you would ever be capable of doing such a thing.

I think part of the problem for men who are trying to heal is that many of us - and not just victims of CSA - have heard that we're predators by default. Male sexuality is always assumed to be aggressive and predatory, which doesn't necessarily match the way that a lot of us are inclined to be.

Back in college, a gender studies professor told me that all men were rapists or "potential rapists," which broke my brain. I didn't think I was capable of rape. I still don't, but her words and the idea that "real" men were supposed to be aggressive really, truly made me think for decades that I was an actual rapist just because I am a man, and I have never actually raped anyone. I am an extreme case, to be sure, but I have heard of and spoken to other men who have been just as confused as I was.

Can anyone relate?

To say a man is "a potential rapist" criminalizes him, when in reality he hasn't done anything wrong.
 
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Thank you and Yes, I can relate because innocent men tend to get lumped into the same sh*tpile as abusive men. It's as if we are criminal just by being male.

I think the root problem begins with the way "we", as a society, socialize little boys to be "masculine" when perhaps we need to re-examine what that means to us all.

Masculine and aggressive need not be, to my mind, seen as the same thing, when "assertive" would be more proper. It is like calling females the "weaker" sex when what they really mean is the "fairer" sex.

I believe we have to be very careful of the things we teach our sons and daughters about their sexuality and their role in society. I think this is where problems of inequality and inappropriate expressions of what is "masculine" starts.
 
I don't think there is a problem with masculine anymore have you seen the latest trending clothing styles of these "HARDCORE killer gangsta rappers dawg?!" They're wearing dresses.

This is the age of transgenderism I think we need more masculine now. Not down playing what you've gone through or saying we all need to be testosterone jacked mad dogging each other and what not. There's a balance and society has lost that balance and is continually trying to change shit. I'm honestly sick of society. I want no part in its madness.

Some guys needa relax more than others, some should be more assertive. Everyone has their own personality according to the day and what ever the hell they've gone or are going through.
 
Masculine and aggressive need not be, to my mind, seen as the same thing, when "assertive" would be more proper

Yes. And I also agree as well that men in general tend to get unfairly lumped into the same pile as abusers. I think that the #MeToo movement didnt help us with this characterization. The #MeToo movement certainly played an important role in identifying abusers, but it took on a life of its own.

To label me as sexist, predator, abuser, misogynist or whatever flavor of the day label is floating around because Im assertive at times, or I hold a door open for a female, or compliment one is ludicrous.
 
The #MeToo movement certainly played an important role in identifying abusers, but it took on a life of its own.
I have a hard time - I get triggered - when I read something about men being discriminated against for being men. I get double-triggered when people don't believe that it happens.

When my kid was younger, I would take him to the playground and sit on a bench while he went off and did his thing. I'd get the stink-eye from the moms at the playground, since I, a dude, was just sitting there. I would try to give off cues that I was a parent, not a predator, but it was demoralizing and hurtful.

There's a whole army of people who simply don't believe that happens - that being a man at a playground will get you the look. I've even heard of guys who got much worse than that - like, got the cops called on them. I believe it. But I don't talk about it or share about it on social media, because a lot of people have a vested interest in believing that it doesn't happen, and saying that it happened will get you shouted at.

This isn't a big deal in the large scheme of things, but it's a symptom of how men are often simply not believed when we share our lived experiences. It's too painful for other people - and to be perfectly honest, many of them are women - to hear that this happens to men. It's very likely hearing that triggers them since they are invested in the "male predator/female victim" dynamic, especially if they themselves have been abused by a man in the past.

This is where we all have to give each other slack, since we don't know what other people's triggers are. Regardless, I'd like to have the same slack given to me, and I think that sometimes it doesn't happen just because I'm a man.

Edited to add: I also see a big problem with men not believing other men, with men telling other men to "suck it up," with men being unwilling to hear about other men who are hurting and deflecting instead of sympathizing. I have done this myself. I wish we could all be better at that. It's uncomfortable to talk about, but we're all in this together. I honestly think that when men can't hear that other men are hurting, it's because hearing about men who are hurting scares and confuses them, because that could someday be them. We've all gotten the message that getting hurt equals being weak, which of course isn't true, but I've had a lifetime of hearing that it is.
 
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It's uncomfortable to talk about, but we're all in this together. I honestly think that when men can't hear that other men are hurting, it's because hearing about men who are hurting scares and confuses them, because that could someday be them. We've all gotten the message that getting hurt equals being weak, which of course isn't true, but I've had a lifetime of hearing that it is.

Very well stated.
 
So this is really difficult to talk about, and I completely understand if no one wants to discuss this, but I'd like to talk about sexuality and our traumas.

My abuse ruined sex for me for a long time. I'm only just now starting to get my mojo back 15 years later. I know not all of us here have trauma as the result of abuse, but it's my understanding that sexual issues are common to PTSD, no matter how it was acquired.

Trouble is, we learn very early on in life that a man is only as manly as the amount of sex he can have. When I was single and not having sex, I felt very unmanly. And then after I married and I still couldn't have sex ... I felt like a eunuch.

Has anyone else dealt with this?
 
Yes, I haven't been with a woman since my last girlfriend. Really I've had no emotional /physical contact with anyone for a long while. No connection or outlet. Many things make me feel less than. Sex or a relationship is among the bunch. I just can't allow anyone to get close to me...and if I could get past the trust issues I'd have to deal with my very low self-confidence.

I'm happy to hear that you are feeling/doing a little better.

I don't know man. S
 
We haven't approached relationships yet. This is my first round of therapy. My trauma was thirty some years ago and my crash twenty. Anyway right now we are working through EMDR for my trauma (arson) . She does want me to start reaching out to others more. Also going out into the world to just be around people. I've been feeding ducks and hitting golf balls. That a long way from sex or a relationship but I guess I need to start somewhere

Have you had therapy that works with this type of thing?
 
My wife and I did the couples therapy thing but it really didn't go anywhere until I started doing my trauma work. It was useful to get us to actually communicate and stop yelling at each other, but it didn't help with the sex thing at all.

Really, I've discovered that doing the trauma work really has made a difference globally - it's been good for the jumpiness and anger and mood and dissociation, but it's also helped in the sex department too.
 
I am a survivor of sexual child abuse.... please notice I did NOT say 'child sexual abuse' because it is not a child abusing sex, it is in my opinion, more correct to say "sexual child abuse" (SCA),.... stating the form the abuse took first and then calling it what it is / (was).

Ok, ...having said that....

Sex was a disaster for me for a long time; I thought my whole self worth was based on my ability to "give" sex to others and how many conquests I had.

I suffered from repetition compulsion and acted out the abuse over and over again. I engaged in high risk sex and put myself at risk for further abuse. I also suffer(ed) E.D. (thank goodness for Viagra) :giggle::notworthy::confused: *(it was embarrassing at first, but I got over it as it happens to most men at some time or another).

I won't go into details here, as it is not necessary or appropriate in my opinion, but suffice it to say that the abuse created a lot of problems that took me decades to work through. I needed the help of sexual child abuse experts, years of individual therapy, and behavioral modifications to get it together...

Now sex has a role in my life, but it is not the same "be all, end all" kinda focus it was before. I am okay with or without it, it does not define who I am,...but is rather, an expression of love and/or attraction between two mutually consenting adults. I have a much more balanced view of sex now and it's place in my life, but it was pure hell for the longest time.

I gotta end this post by saying it is okay to ask for help with our sexuality after abuse, it is nothing to be ashamed of, nor are our bodies, or our thoughts and feelings about it. If you struggle with sex because of sexual abuse, you owe it to yourself to get the help you need and I wish you all the best if that is the road you are traveling.:cool:
 
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