Distorted feelings of relationship replaced by paranoia and emotional turmoil

[FighterHeart]

I have been in therapy for several years after I was diagnosed with PTSD (possibly CPTSD) stemming from a childhood trauma. The trauma was mainly the sudden deterioration of my mother's mental health to the extent of hospitalisation in a closed ward in a psychiatric unit and the complete dismantling of my family structure.

Therefore as a married adult my wife's bad temper was always a big trigger problem for me.
Nevertheless after all these years of therapy I got it finally right and was able to unlink my wife's anger from my own emotional challenge and associations with my childhood trauma.

What happened next is my question: Whenever I got triggered now, instead of falsely believing that my wife is an evil witch and trying to destroy my personality and abandon me forever,
rather I experienced these strange feelings of paranoia OR worse then that I found myself in this terrible emotional pain winging on the floor (in my head, not actually) to the extent of tears with memories of shouting voice mixed in at its peak. I felt maybe like a flashback state for the duration of 20 minutes in its climax and building up over the course of two hours.

Did anybody else experience a switch like this or something similar or know about something like this?

I am so confused and frightened as this seems to be unidentified enemy which neither my T or me know how to tackle.

 

[shimmerz]

I just know that for me there have been feelings and situations underneath feelings and situations with my trauma. So I may have been able to identify an issue with people's eyes when they are walking towards me and sometime after I resolve the eyes -- I now feel like that same person - when they pass by me are going to stab me in the back? I never actually had the sense of the stabbing feeling until I sorted out the eye issues because I was using my eyes defensively to protect myself from being stabbed in the back.

So, yes, if I am reading your post right, that is pretty much the way my trauma unwinding went. Fix one problem and another deeper - more personal and closer to the root trauma pops up.

No idea if that makes sense to you at all.

 

[FighterHeart]

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks so much.

Additionally to what you are saying with the layers I seem to have one feeling, let say feeling of abandonment, just attributed to somebody wrongly and once I solved that wrong attribution it seems to just come up on its own!!!
Does that sound familiar too?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it sounds to me (1st example) like a FB if there are cogent details (a re-living), or an emotional one if the feelings do not suit the situation and are out of proportion, followed by a wind-down (2 hours).

Maybe try writing down how you feel during it (I know I can't recall if I don't, though I'm certain I will). For me it was an eye-opener I felt like that way back then, or I guess I did?

Not sure of the "why's" but yes feelings can remain or surface, I think my brain 'tricks' me. Such as mistrust, in that case my heart might trust (after much time and circumstances), but my brain feels fearful. (I think for most people they experience it the other way around).

I do not know how to deal with feelings of abandonment. I was thinking thursday of separation anxiety a big dog of mine had since taken away too early as a puppy- in 10 years it didn't go away. :(

Also, I wonder if the trigger isn't really 'solved'- that you just feel silenced? That your brain knows it's not the same, but your heart doesn't?

ETA, also, as @shimmerz alluded to, triggers seem to have layers. I used to think they were only 'things'- objects, smells, sights, postures, etc; then I realized they could also include emotional states, and those could then intertwine with beliefs, fears and cognitive distortions. All the while remembering this is fundamentally set off by the amygdala potentially- not one's higher reasoning abilities at the wheel.

Welcome to you, btw. I like your name. :)

 

[FighterHeart]

Makes all alot of sense, especially what you said about the brain understanding vs. emotional lack thereof.
For me this is just so frightening. Because if it is a cognitive i.e. brain misconception then I feel confident to train my brain: " sorry dude, you got it wrong. She ain't no witch".

If this is all emotional and closer to the trauma then it is very tough news for me as I was not yet able to even remotely touch on discussing the actual trauma itself, it's like trying to enter a fiery furnace. That's why I wanted to ask around.

 

[Tinyflame]

If this is all emotional and closer to the trauma

It sounds like it already is:

I experienced these strange feelings of paranoia OR worse then that I found myself in this terrible emotional pain winging on the floor (in my head, not actually) to the extent of tears with memories of shouting voice mixed in

I know it's awfully frightening. :( I haven't found I could think my way out entirely, and feelings keep coming. I think it's coordinating actually feeling with cognitive addressing at the same time that can have an impact.

 

[FighterHeart]

Thanks so much Junebug.

I think it's coordinating actually feeling with cognitive addressing at the same time that can have an impact.

This sounds the right direction. Makes a lot of sense. Thanks so much

 

[Friday]

rather I experienced these strange feelings of paranoia OR worse then that I found myself in this terrible emotional pain winging on the floor (in my head, not actually) to the extent of tears with memories of shouting voice mixed in at its peak

Makes total sense... removed of its target your paranoia and rage/pain has gone diffuse. Now that you aren’t directing it at her it’s being directed either at the world at large, or at yourself.