My Longing To Be Free

[Tija]

I was watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Oympics last night. I really liked the part where the boy was flying up in the air, and doing somersaults. That looked like so much F-U-N! :wink: I'm the youngest child in my family, so fun is very attractive to me. :smile: But, seriously, what was so meaningful for me watching this, was that it just exemplified what freedom looks and feels like. It literally brought me to tears, because it's been such a long time since I've felt free.. it's been my greatest longing. I've often referred to my PSTD as a prison.

I got the call yesterday. It's been approximately 1 1/2 years in the making. It was what I had worried about and feared incessantly. It was what I held onto with all my might, with teeth gritted. I have worked so hard in therapy. It's been one of the hardest things I have ever been called to do in my life. I've spent a lot of money (that I don't have) to be able to go back to the origin of my Workplace, but time cannot be bought.. Yesterday, it finally escaped beyond my grasp.

The thing that hurts most being terminated from my Workplace, is the fact that they judged me falsely. It is a rather long story, but things got twisted, and the company had the advantage to use it against me. It would have hurt me much less if they would have just told me the truth and say that they couldn't keep me on anymore, as opposed to saying that they didn't see any reason for me to be off sick anymore. Not only do I feel belittled by that, but it is the furthest thing from the truth. For the hundredth time, since my PTSD, I am once again judged falsely. Other times, were fighting for disability benefits, which at first I did not get. It was only after I had to appeal it with another insurance company, that I was awarded the money, I so rightly deserved. A lot of my PTSD has pulled me into a world of being judged. This has been extremely painful. What does it all mean?

There are a couple of wonderful people at my PTSD suppport group. They relay stories of how PTSD has changed them - for the better. One in particular, states that before they had PTSD they weren't particularily compassionate nor sensitive to other people's problems. Like many of us, they were people that said comments like "Well, just pull up your boot straps, and get on with it." Nowadays, they are different people, though. They are compassionate and sensitive and non judgemental. They understand what it's like to be broken.

The thing for me, is that I have never been that way. I was always a sensitive and gentle child and felt very compassionate for other people, even though my family was relatively on the cold side. I don't know where this comes from, so I don't want to lay claim for it. It probably is a gift from God. In any case, I was thinking about what the two said in my Support Group, and I was perplexed because their realizations did not hold true to me. As I continued focusing on this subject, it wasn't long when I realized what did hold true for me. While I was always very sensitive and compassionate and nonjudging towards others, I wasn't to myself. In fact, I was the most critical, judgemental, insensitive person to myself. I really never took care of myself or my needs, either. Through my trials, through therapy, through this ptsd journey, I am no longer that person anymore. I don't even remember what it was like to be her, to be honest. PTSD has changed me - for the better. I surely don't recommend this way of a path to anyone! LOL

So, I woke up this morning, and I was feeling very flat, scared. This is the 1st time I've been without a job since I started working! I have been without income for a very long time, depending on family, and currently waiting to see if I can get some other disability from the gov't, until I am better. I had been with my former company for a very very long time.. I used to joke, and say that I grew up there! LOL My plans were always that I would retire from there with a nice pension, and all the other great perks, but I guess that's over, and I am definitely grieving today. It looks like I am not even eligible for a buyout or package, either. I feel like my life is wrecked right now.

Has anyone shared any of my feelings about losing your job and the insecurities you feel about the future? Have any of you also been wrongfully judged ? It would be nice to hear from you.. In any case, it has been cathartic to write this all out today. This is a good place. I think I'll go out for a nice long walk now..

Regards, :rolleyes: Tija

 

[clare]

Hi Tija,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate. Two years ago, after a nasty argument with my husband, my husband grabbed my shoulder as I bent down to change the baby, saying I was too upset to do it and that he would do it. I don't remember hearing his words just him touching me in this way after a being stressed to the max, triggered me and I swung around and hit him then ran to the other room and called the cops. I never got through as he recognized that I was in flashback mode and took the phone.

Things calmed down and he left saying he'd come back in when I was better. The cops came anyway and entered the house while I was with the baby in another room. My 9 year old son was questioned and then I was separately. I tried to explain there was no need for them to intervene, that there was no domestic violence going on, however my son had already told them that he was afraid that his dad was hurting his mom, because he overheard my screams for help. To make a long story short-my husband was fired from his job as a state prison guard after 12 years of service. Even though the case was dismissed, he has been unable to get his job back due to the possibility of DV because they have a zero tolerance policy-and he didn't inform them of the charges soon enough (he did but they "lost" the report).

Child Services got involved, saying that my mental disorder untreated resulted in neglect and the possibility of emotional abuse from my husband could be harming the kids. My son also has PTSD from being sexually assaulted when he was 6 but child welfare weren't interested in that aspect since the perp was never identified, even after he attempted suicide and was hospitalized, they refused to get him help. So now we have nothing. I can't drive or work due to the combination of untreated PTSD and epilepsy (still waiting for disability-denied 2 times) and being a prison guard doesn't really qualify my husband to do much else. It's hard to start over at 43 years old, with a three year old, two disabled family members and no money. We've already sold anything we could, filed bankruptcy and got every extension for our mortgage and unemployment possible.

I really don't know what will happen next-hopefully we will get into the projects and not have to go to a shelter. It's moment to moment and the idea of dreams-"me time", socializing, etc. are so far from our reality that to even think about such things is too depressing. We simply survive. We still have each other though, and for that I'm thankful. I'm thankful for this forum too, as it has give me great insight into my behavior, and some small amount of hope for the future. I know how hard it is to have PTSD result in such life changing loss and I feel for you especially. There is, I think, no time for bitterness or self-doubt. I hope you keep up with your support group and find healing in order to move past this chapter in your life and begin a new stronger, healthier one.

Wishing you hope and healing,

clare

 

[clare]

Thanks She Cat,

I"m so sorry to require your editing services for my poor grammer. You paragraphed it very well. I will try not to post when I'm stressors make it too difficult to follow the rules.

Thanks again,

clare

 

[cragger65]

Lagging behind again, but yes, absolutely, I completely lost my identity when I lost my job. It felt like a bit of a dirty deal for me as well. I was sent to a rehab facility here in town for 1 month. At the end of it, it had only been 8 months since I broke my neck, et al, and they told me several times, "We won't even ask you to sit at the computer at this stage" because I still couldn't move my head more than 1/4" from side to side. It was just physically impossible.

I was shocked and infuriated when I read the report, and fought it tooth and nail, but continued to make progress on my own. At 12 months, I called work to discuss coming back. My boss said, "Oh, we farmed your job out to a sub-contractor, we don't need you anymore". I didn't really want to go back to computer programming anyway, but it still broke my heart, as well as shattering my confidence and sense of self-worth. Another kick in the teeth when I was already down.

But we are not our jobs, we are human beings, and we persevere. I ordered one of Wayne Dyer's books recently, "The Shift: Taking Your Life from Ambition to Meaning". I'll let you know if it is helpful in this regard.

take care,
Dave

 

[Tija]

Hi Dave. I can only imagine how much it hurt for them to dismiss you, and then replace you with a sub-contractor. UGH! Like you really needed that one,too! We live in a cruel world of a race of the fittest. I feel like I have been left at the bottom crawling, somewhere ! LOL

Thanks for reminding me that 'we are not our jobs, we are human beings.' It's hard for me to remember this one, but I know it is the truth. It can only lead to happiness and freedom..

Sounds like an interesting book you are reading. Please come back, and share your review!


Take care:smile: Tija

 

[Tiger Kitten]

When I lost my job it sent me into a nasty spiral. I got hurt at work. They fired me. I am now dealing with lawsuits because of it. They told me when I got my arm fixed to come back to work as a temporary for them. They said they had no complaints about my work performance. I got hurt because they didn't have safety rails installed on a table. I complained about it several weeks before I got hurt.

Now they are using my PTSD as a reason why I am not a credible witness. It hurts really bad. The latest development is still too new to figure out what I am really feeling about it or why. Will come back when I figure it out.

Tiger

 

[cragger65]

Hi Dave. I can only imagine how much it hurt for them to dismiss you, and then replace you with a sub-contractor. UGH! Like you really needed that one,too! We live in a cruel world of a race of the fittest. I feel like I have been left at the bottom crawling, somewhere ! LOL

Thanks for reminding me that 'we are not our jobs, we are human beings.' It's hard for me to remember this one, but I know it is the truth. It can only lead to happiness and freedom..

Sounds like an interesting book you are reading. Please come back, and share your review!


Take care:smile: Tija

Thanks Tija, it was quite a bash to the ego/self-worth, etc., for sure. The work world really is dictated by the law of the jungle, isn't it?

It's damn hard for me too, to remember we are not our jobs, but I'd wager 97% of North Americans suffer the same mind-set. It's such a big part of our identity. I'm trying to focus on social interaction and relationships more, but changing is real work!!

The book finally arrived today... I'll let you know what it's like.

Now they are using my PTSD as a reason why I am not a credible witness. It hurts really bad. The latest development is still too new to figure out what I am really feeling about it or why. Will come back when I figure it out.

Tiger

That's a shitty go, Tiger, I can relate. Everybody plays pass the buck, and we get stuck in the middle going, "What the F?!?". It all works out one way or another though, and then we can move on. Hang tough when you can.


Cheers,
Dave

 

[TLight]

I know for many of us, as humans, we tie or sense of self to what we do. If we had families that dysfunctionally emphsized that 'we are what we do,' then it's even worse.

However, the truth is:

"You are not what you do."

Yes, we will have to mourn losses in our lives. A ton of losses. It's hard, it's a process and it generally sucks.........painful. However, we will heal and go on to be a wonderful, helpful, valuable soul no matter what we 'do' for a career.

In the meantime, don't waste the free time to value yourself, value what you enjoy, and nuture the God in you. The right 'position' will come along as our healing progresses.......I truly believe this.

Take care

 

[Tija]

It's comforting to hear you guys say that you feel the same way too - about work and identity (confidence/self esteem). And for sure, Dave/Tlight, it is a societal conditioning.. In fact, in my own home, both my parents had a very strong work ethic. My dad was self employed and had his own business, and my mom was in a job where the money flourished around steady customers. Neither of my parents took any time off when being sick. They also never took any time out in the day for having a decent sit down lunch. They ate on the go, and whenever they could.

I remember as a child, the times when I had to stay home from school because I was very sick. I remember being very anxious and insecure because my dad would always make fun of me. He never believed me that I was sick enough to stay away from school. Once I started to go to work after college, my parents continued to make feel guilty and bad for staying home, even though they knew I was being paid!

Having said that, after working all these years, I never knew how much of my self-esteem/pride/identity I had in my job. It wasn't until I had to go on sick leave (concussions/adrenal fatigue) that I got so agitated and frustrated because I couldn't go back soon enough. All I could think about was that my emails were piling up, and how stressful it would be to catch up.. I never thought about me, or about really healing from my concussion. The stress of it was so bad that I think my adrenal fatigue got to an even more severe state. I pretty much put myself into the hole. Of course, I've had lots of therapy since then! LOL

Tiger Kitten -When I lost my job it sent me into a nasty spiral. I got hurt at work. They fired me. I am now dealing with lawsuits because of it. They told me when I got my arm fixed to come back to work as a temporary for them. They said they had no complaints about my work performance. I got hurt because they didn't have safety rails installed on a table. I complained about it several weeks before I got hurt.

Now they are using my PTSD as a reason why I am not a credible witness. It hurts really bad. The latest development is still too new to figure out what I am really feeling about it or why. Will come back when I figure it out.
​

Tiger Kitten, I feel for you, and am very sorry to hear what happened to you. That was very very nasty and sounds like they are trying to use whatever is towards their advantage. I really hope it all works out for you. Take care of yourself..

Tlight -In the meantime, don't waste the free time to value yourself, value what you enjoy, and nuture the God in you. The right 'position' will come along as our healing progresses.......I truly believe this.

Thank you Tlight, for your encouraging words, also. I especially appreciate - "don't waste the free time to value yourself, value what you enjoy."


Hugs, Tija