Relationship Advice emotional shut off

[B0103mcus]

I recently told my sufferer that I can not be with him anymore because the lack of effort and communication. I actually spoke with him today after 6 days no contact. He says that he is emotionally shut off and he is not sure if he will contact me after a few more days to discuss everything. I asked him, "so you are letting me go?" He wouldn't respond. I told him I tried and that I'll respect what he has said and not engage again. For me I just wanted clarity. Throughout the conversation he would deflect on what the whole point of me saying why I couldn't do it anymore and kept saying he has tried and he is trying in recovery. My point was where is my place if there hasn't been communication. Should I just chalk up to that and not look back or is he maybe going to pull out of his shut down?

 

[Fadeaway]

Wow, that is an intense response to a person who isnt in a place to be able to handle that much emotional stimulus, hence the reason he is isolating.

He cant answer something he doesn't know the answer to. He cant communicate on the level you want him to when there is reduced blood flow to frontal lobe and communication centers are shut down in the brain

Oops, hit post on accident again grrr.

When I am like that, I dont do well with questions, the words just arent there, like forgetting someones name but with more common things.

These things need to be discussed when he isnt symptomatic.

You need to decide how long you are willing to wait, if you are at all.

 

[LuckiLee]

Read the first sentence you wrote in this post...
He's going to take you at your word.

 

[Sweetpea76]

At this point in time I would decide if I was over the relationship. You're allowed your limits.

If he regularly isolates and doesn't speak to you, you're allowed to decide how long you can put up with that and still consider yourself in a relationship. It's not much of a relationship if there is only one person participating in it.

The thing is though, say what you mean and mean what you say.

 

[B0103mcus]

Thank you. This has been the reoccurring theme for the last two months again and that is why I said I just can't deal with it anymore this way.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Blueusmc0103 I know what it's like to be searching for answers and trying to make things make sense. If I could make one suggestion that I feel would save you a lot of time -- anytime you have that searching feeling, just re-read @Fadeaway's posts. In particular:

He cant answer something he doesn't know the answer to. He cant communicate on the level you want him to when there is reduced blood flow to frontal lobe and communication centers are shut down in the brain

It really helps me to think about it in medical terms like this. It can help you to separate the illness from the person. I remember my ex not being able to explain why she feels nothing for me anymore and it was very much like Fadeaway described -- like she was searching to remember a name or something. She had no empathy, no feelings for anyone or anything really. It hurt, it still hurts, but at least I can sometimes be reminded it's not like she's a cold, selfish person. Things switched off in the brain.

I myself hope that one day my ex will be healthy enough to communicate everything that happened (obviously, I still come here now and then).

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in whichever path you choose, and I'm sure you'll do what's right for you.

 

[B0103mcus]

Thank you. I'm told stop enmeshing and look at it clinically :mad:. I get so mad because you think I would be able to totally handle it given what I do, but when it's your own relationship, how the heck do you separate it? I know if he was shut off totally he would have told me to fly the eff off and would not have engaged in face to face convo. He has done it before. I know he is mad because I pointed out my stance and told him I can't do it this way anymore because of what he is choosing. I'm not asking what anyone else would not ask for. I know he is upset and in a head space just off observation of demeanor. When I spoke to him it was the typical irrational thought process and blaming and reverting back to things two plus years ago. He just kept saying, I made a choice because of what you said. I reaffirmed yes, I dont want to be with you anymore if your choosing to continue being selfish, not following the whole treatment plan, and essentially being emotionally and mentally abusive. He was just on repeat and kept saying the same things it different contexts. When I try to talk to him he kind of intimidates me which is odd because I'm extremely assertive and confident. So I emailed him after the fact and touched on the things he said but in a non accusatory way, more so explaining why I feel the way I do. Of course, no response and I understand why and I hope he reads at a point when he is clearer or after his session on Sat. I dont want to deal with it this unhealthy way again where its reverting back to before treatment. I don't want to give up, but I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of everyone close to me rolling their eyes at our relationship. I get it, I know it is not normal to majority standards and yeah it drains me, but he didn't ask for these struggles. I'm just so confused and dumb dumb me was trying to fill my need to see him and maybe get reassurance or validation to settle my anxiety. Maybe I'm not equipped for this kind of relationship? The even crazier part is for whatever reason I have my irrational thought that he is choosing someone else or with someone else. Im starting to think I'm crazy. I have yet after this length of time get use to the withdraw/isolation. As soon as I get my head right is right when he comes back from it. At this point, I think we are both tired of fighting and the cycle we just can't find out way out of it. Sorry for the length I'm venting. I find this site almost more therapeutic than my own therapist and therapy support group. You all give more support and clearer understanding and advice.

 

[OrangeJulius]

He cant answer something he doesn't know the answer to. He cant communicate on the level you want him to

Just reiterating @Fadeaway again. Annnndddd....

Right there with ya....but on the other side of a similar line. My honey verbally broke up with me a couple month ago. Planned out moving and who was taking what furniture etc. And that was it. Continued being a wonderful boyfriend and here we are....broken up but completely together. I've tried to clarify wtf happened a couple month ago and i get a blank stare. *shrug*

Feel free to read my diary "Now me" to not feel alone in trying to get answers/understand and not being able to because your partner doesn't even know.

A huge game-changer for me emotionally with this ridiculous unknown was finding an awesome therapist.

Good luck!

 

[LuckiLee]

This site IS my therapy. Friends and family don't "get it".

You're right, You deserve a relationship where both of you are trying to make it work. We all do. It's okay to realize this is too much for you to handle. It's hell sometimes. I know.

Keep reading the supporters section. I've learned so much there. And check out the thread "What are they thinking" that @Freida started. Frickin' brilliant!

You mentioned separating PTSD from the man. Impossible. His brain....changed. He's always gonna have this disorder. And until HE decides to tackle the issues he's facing (or obviously not facing) his life will be chaotic. My guy didn't seek help until he was 45 yo. He went decades untreated. Making that phone call was so hard for him. He still says "war was easier than therapy". He sees his pdoc twice a month and has group therapy twice a month. It's a whole lotta work on both our parts.

Sorry for the ramble. Just throwing things out there. Have a good night.

 

[WTF Happened]

Not my thread, but thanks for that @LuckiLee. There are some great posts in this one.

@Blueusmc0103 Maybe this is just the mushy mood I'm in right now, but is it possible to continue loving him while also recognizing your needs are not being met and it's best if you two aren't together right now? CHOOSING to love can sometimes make you feel like you're more in control of the situation.

 

[LuckiLee]

Actually my response was to bluesusmc. Lol.

 

[WTF Happened]

I know, I just mean sorry to butt in :)