Poll Does one partner want sex more than the other (in your relationship)?

[somerandomguy]

Yes, my first trauma therapist (a woman) said "you are a man and sex means love to you and this is perfectly ok."

I've never heard anyone of any gender say this was OK, even though I think it can be true for many if not most men. Color me shocked.

 

[Fadeaway]

Strange, I have heard that sex means love to a man alot. I dont think anyone here thinks sex is just sex to most men in a relationship.

For 95% of women in relationships it is not a control issue or manipulation. It is not malevolent.

Womens sexual desire is based on many things, and if just one of those things are out of wack it can make sex feel like a chore. Just because a woman can have sex "whenever" because they arent reliant on an erection, women can and often do suffer from the female equivilent of erectile disfunction.

Now how you you feel if you couldn't get it up, and then pressured, guilt tripped, and told you were using it as a control method.

Women do not get turned on by the same things men do. I have seen so many men approach women with idea that what they like and turns them on should turn a woman on.
Don't get me started about when guys say "I got her so turned on, she was so wet." Sorry, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

So, I will be creating a list of over a dozen things that interfere with a womans desire for sex. I will also be including a list of many things men and women can do to increase a womans desire for sex. So stay tuned.

P.S. While men feel loved from sex, very few women express love in the form of sex. They dont feel like they are expressing love through sex. Non sexual cuddling is more of an expression of love than sex if their love language is physical.

 

[ben1982]

There are some real simple biological explanations why men and women experience sex and relationships differently. Sadly this is not really something that can be discussed in today's political climate. As many people are to invested in ideology on this subject. And they often react very aggressive or emotional whenever their ideology is challenged. So better not to touch the subject in most cases. It's sad because it keeps most people in the dark this way. But i guess they'll find out the hard way sooner or later. Can't fill a cup that's already full. Can't teach people who are unwilling to learn. Best just to let them find out for themselves.

 

[Fadeaway]

@ben1982 your post is kind of cryptic. We dont shy away fron the tough subjects here, but your post could be interpreted severl ways; good, bad and neutral. Obviously cis women have a vagina uterus and breasts and primary hormones are estrogen and progesterone allthough there are others such as prolactin and relaxin which there is little know about it. Cis men obviously have a penis and testicles and use testosterone.

Could you clarify your intentions and let me know if I am forgetting something.

 

[ben1982]

It's my intention to post something that could be interpreted severl ways; good, bad and neutral. This makes people think and question things. Instead of simply react in defence of what they believe is good, bad or neutral. it's my intention to empty the cup a bit.

 

[ILoveLife]

Sorry @Fadeaway.. I think you may be generalizing a bit maybe?
In my experience there isn't that huge gap between males and females regarding turn ons and intention behind sex. People are people and will act like people, have people's desires, and people's physical reactions.

I've met women who use men (and other women) for sex, just as much as I've met men doing it.

This idea that we are somehow impermeable to be macho-like just because we're women is very diminishing of how human we actually are.

 

[Mach123]

You sound angry the main thing I hear is anger in your replies? I mean I get angry too? I don't like that I get angry. I don't like or think it's fair that I think we should have sex and if you don't want to I'm going to be angry mostly because I'm hurt. I'm afraid to bring it up honestly especially if I feel like "cuddling" which does turn into sexual desire. It's not as one sided though as people seem to think and are quick to point out what makes the woman feel bad. I understand that but why is it it that in these discussions it seems no one thinks men have any feelings! Is it because he gets the erection or that he has to behave the way he does to survive with the other men or what is it? Everyone says the same sh*t like he's all duh with his stupid penis. He's a person. He has feelings, she's not the only one who feels anything. So you are going to make a list for us to 'educate' us so maybe we can 'get it?' I can't wait to be enlightened. It's as though you think no one ever thought about this or discussed it before? Are you a young woman? I've been married almost 30 years and brought up a family? I think you should give the rest of us a little more credit. : )

 

[Fadeaway]

@Mach123 I thought your reply was aimed at someone else untill you mentioned the list. No anger just desire to help. I feel confused as I tried to validate your feelings while being a little shocked that people would find what your therapist said shocking. If I gave the impression that men don't have feelings, know that wasnt my intention or a thought that crossed my mind.

Young? God no. I am genx and married to a baby boomer. Just been on all sides of the issue at one time or another and sinced you asked after my first post I was just trying to reply even though a day or to late. I dont know how to highlight and quote on a phone so I couldn't quote what I was responding to.

As I said before I am in the same boat as a woman, my husband is the one who doesn't want to in our relationship.

I will go ahead and post that list because you may find it usefull and if not, someone else might.
.

 

[Hooper]

For 95% of women in relationships it is not a control issue or manipulation. It is not malevolent.

Womens sexual desire is based on many things, and if just one of those things are out of wack it can make sex feel like a chore. Just because a woman can have sex "whenever" because they arent reliant on an erection, women can and often do suffer from the female equivilent of erectile disfunction.

Now how you you feel if you couldn't get it up, and then pressured, guilt tripped, and told you were using it as a control method.

I don't think the change (in my wife's case) was malicious. From the beginning I have loved and desired my wife. In truth I had my head up my ass for years not realizing what I had but love and attraction has grown. I have expressed this fact. I'm curious about your 12 step program but I can say desire for each other was not complex in the beginning nor has it changed to this day on my part. What I see in many friends is they truly feel duped. Things got complicated on the wife's side but like me haven't changed on their side. I'm sure I have female friends that may feel the same way but I'm not going to broach the subject with them so I can only speak from the male point of view.

Your analogy between erectile dysfunction and low desire is apples and oranges in my opinion. For one we'd pop a pill and if that didn't work you would know the reason we couldn't have sex were physical and not for a lack of desire. The day I outlive my sexual functioning is the day I will resort to whatever isn't broken any time my wife wants to. There is nothing much more personal than sex be it the bonding we get from it or the rejection we feel in its absence. Going from equal desire and frequency in the beginning to whatever unilateral amount a low desire partner is willing to part with especially if it requires a dozen or so hoops to jump through is chore like when desire on our part has remained constant. Bill Maher summed it up well this week when he said "Vote. It's like married sex. You just do it."
hooper

 

[Skywatcher]

@Mach123 I thought your reply was aimed at someone else untill you mentioned the l...

I am looking forward to your list. (Also a gen x female that wants it more)

 

[Fadeaway]

@Sietz i am sorry you feel that way. I do belive there are differences, especially in turn ons but I was also trying to figure out if @ben1982 was making an anti trans/gay post.

 

[Mach123]

I guess you mean you were shocked my therapist said: "To men sex is love, and this is ok." The reason I'm a little tongue and cheek about the whole thing is that "this is "reality." But we are all busy telling the other gender "You can't feel like that." But I do feel like that. I am like that. So being able to validate the other persons' feelings and not just saying "you feel like that because you are looking at it from a man's point of view" is where I thought we were at in the discussion. Not back at square one.