Talking about csa in therapy

[piratelady]

I've recently realized that I was sexually abused as a child and a teenager. I'm stuck on these memories, I can't stop thinking about them and I'm having flashbacks. I need to talk about it in therapy and deal with it.

Two appointments ago, we were discussing some anger I harbor towards my mother. He suggested I write my mom a letter, even if I don't give it to her. I did, and saw how it had so many of the emotions I'm struggling to verbalize during therapy. I decided to email it to him. I see that advise so often on here. We tried to talk about it in this week's appointment. The problem was I got so anxious leading up to the appointment and during my appointment that I couldn't answer his questions and eventually my emotions just shut off.

I told him I remembered something new from when I was younger that he's not aware of, but I couldn't talk about it. He asked me to give him a general idea and I couldn't even do that. I lied about it though and then minimized how I was affected by it and why.

I feel like I've dug myself into a bit of a hole. I have two problems now.
1) How do I tell him I lied to him without causing problems.
2) How do I talk about the actual memory? I'm hesitant to do the write it out and email it or give it to him because I feel like it's just going to create a ton of anxiety again make therapy unproductive.

Does anyone have any ideas? I have about a week and a half to figure out how to go forward.

 

[scout86]

I don't think lying to him is a problem. If he's good at his job, he's totally aware that this stuff is hard to talk about and that people will do a lot to avoid talking about it, a lot of the time. He's not going to be mad about that. (Assuming he's good at his job.)

As far as how to tell him goes...... You don't actually HAVE to give details right off the bat. You can just give him a general idea. Maybe a VERY general idea..But, you don't have to talk about anything until you actually feel ready to talk about it. Even so, it will most likely be hard and cause you some anxiety. It wish it was otherwise, but that's kind of how this works. He knows THAT too, assuming he's good at his job.

Writing it out, for your own benefit, might help.

 

[piratelady]

He's not going to be mad about that. (Assuming he's good at his job.)

I do believe he's good at his job, hopefully you're right and he wouldn't be mad. How do I actually tell him? Just say, "Hey I haven't been honest with you...." and cross my fingers and hope for the best? I hate potentially uncomfortable conversations...

You can just give him a general idea. Maybe a VERY general idea..But, you don't have to talk about anything until you actually feel ready to talk about it.

That's what he asked me to do.

He asked me if I was focused on any particular memory since our last appointment. I've been focused on the incident from when I was little. I told him that I had, but couldnt' talk about it. That's when he asked me if I could at least give him a general idea. I said I was thinking about something from just after my mom and step-dad got married but it was just because that was a time when there was a lot change.

I'm just torn. Maybe I'm not ready to talk about it, but I don't know how else to find relief. I can't stop focusing on this. Whenever I have downtime or am not distracted that's where my mind goes. I ruminate on it all the time, I have nightmares about it. I just can't seem to let it go. I feel like therapist can help me resolve it, but I just can't get the words out so he can actually help me.

 

[Rumors]

I do believe he's good at his job, hopefully you're right and he wouldn't be mad. How do I actually...

What if you just went at it like this
"Hey do you remember when we were discussing xyz? I was really ashamed, confused, and scared to tell you what really happened. I don't even know that I can get the words out today but I felt badly for not being truthful"
I promise he will have no judgement and understand. I know it is really hard... REALLY HARD. Be kind to yourself. Sending strength and warm thoughts

 

[scout86]

Hey I haven't been honest with you.

Hey do you remember when we were discussing xyz?

Something like either of those. And, you could email it. You could also explain that you feel like talking about it would help, but that talking about it seems nearly impossible.

In all honesty, I'm usually in the "what good is talking about stuff?" camp. I debate that with my T fairly often. And I've sent him a few emails that we then DON'T talk about until some point in the future, when it works a little better. (Finding out he actually wasn't going to MAKE me talk about anything was pretty important to the trust building process.)

 

[piratelady]

Thank you @Rumors and @scout86. I think I could say that. I still don't know how I will ever be able to talk about it. He's reassured me multiple times that we don't have to talk about all the details, but I can't even get the general idea out. I worry that if I don't get it out or talk about it somehow soon I'll never be able to stop ruminating about it.

Maybe I need to start with what you guys suggested and then tell him I need to talk about it but just don't know how and he can figure out how to approach it...

I still wish that I could just make all this get better without actually talking about it. When I had that idea though (never talking about it) it all just got worse.

 

[Abstract]

When in those situations for me it feels like one part of my brain has one agenda and another has a different agenda. Once something is really bubbling up then trying to ignore it brings its own real backlash. Trying to talk about it the same. I have had situations where there are proper physical battles between these.

If you think about it both of these feelings are just hugely limitimate. You are terrified to talk about and don't know if you can. It is coming up and is demanding attention. Sometimes I find just trying to do radical acceptance of where I am with something is the best I can do at that moment, and keep doing until something shifts.

If your brain isn't ready to embrace talking about it what about saying what has been discussed here already and then both of you leaving the door open for you to take the next step when you are more able. Taking off some of the pressure sometimes does the trick. Are there any things he could do which would make it feel safer for you to discuss? I find it sometimes helps to go around the perimeter and edge my way in.

 

[piratelady]

Taking off some of the pressure sometimes does the trick.

I agree with this. I think that's how I got myself into this pickle in the first place. Before my appointment I emailed him a letter I wrote to my mom, which he suggested. In that email I also told him different goals I wanted to focus on, specifically dealing with the stuff in that letter. It just put a ton of pressure on me for that appointment. He did pick up on it and shifted what we were talking about for the rest of the appointment to other topics.

Are there any things he could do which would make it feel safer for you to discuss?

I am not sure honestly. I have a really good relationship with him, it's not a trust issue. I also know he's a good therapist. For me the problem is the topic. I'm not good at talking about sex regardless, it's kind of taboo for me, but then to talk about childhood sex... even typing it makes me incredibly anxious. It's just that topic itself is hard, then the shame associated with what happened makes me think I'll never be able to work through it.

I find it sometimes helps to go around the perimeter and edge my way in.

Now that I read this, I can see in the past when my therapist has guided the conversation like this to deal with the abuse from my ex husband. Maybe I need to convey that to him somehow, that we need to take a different approach.

 

[Abstract]

I am very good at self delusion so sometimes I find I can use that for my own benefit. I can tell myself I am not doing b c d e f g h or i and am only doing a. Or I sneak around and just randomly do a little c then again randomly do a little f. I find if my brain feels pressured then the walls shut down and I go into frozen mode. It can even help to tell myself I am never going to do ...
What about reassuring your mind that you would never do anything that would be harmful to it. That you will respect its needs and only do whatever is in its ultimate interests. To care for it. That you will listen to its needs.
When things started shutting down for me I eventually accepted that my usual way of approaching things - barrelling at them aggressively - was not going to work. There were more complex reactions happening and I needed to develop new skills and ways of approaching things. Just sharing in case any of that resonates for you

 

[EveHarrington]

...it’s his job to not get mad so if he gets mad that’s your sign to move on.

 

[piratelady]

I find if my brain feels pressured then the walls shut down and I go into frozen mode. It can even help to tell myself I am never going to do ...

I tend to do the same thing. I will remember this and try it when I go to therapy next time on the 15th. Thank you :)

.it’s his job to not get mad

I've been thinking about this a lot, my fear that he'll be mad at me. I remembered yesterday about when I initially started seeing him several years ago. I omitted my tendencies towards self-harm. I eventually emailed him, and we discussed it at the next appointment. He wasn't angry at me then. I think this is similar and I need to remember that and stop being afraid of his reactions.

 

[Mach123]

Being secretive is probably one of our most outstanding characteristics. It's not even that it's that you lose your voice? You can't speak. You can't tell. That's not lying, it's getting to the point where you are strong enough to talk about it. Good for you. If he is as good as you think he is he probably knows or suspects something about this already. You are doing great. I hope it goes well.