@Ronin, Yep!
@frogthroat
Dominant? In and of itself is a fairly neutral term. The dominant team, dominant culture, dominant wolf. The word dominant doesn’t tell you whether the team plays dirty, is cruel to its opponents (or teammates for that matter). It doesn’t tell you if it’s a rich and vital culture hugely inclusive of other cultures, or if it’s despotic, crushing other cultures beneath it. It doesn’t tell you if the wolf is hugely protective and beloved by its pack, or feared by it.
A
person can have a very dominant personality... and the hugest heart, kindest words & actions, be fiercely protective, incrediably caring/loving, always concerned with the welfare & wellbeing of others. Being a natural born leader, doesn’t indicate what
kind of leader they are.
I know, because I’m naturally very submissive, and befriend/date the super-alpha very dominant, almost exclusively.
Being submissive? Doesn’t mean I’m not mouthy, self confident, willing to fight to protect & defend those I love, independent, honest/forthright, up for debate, mischievous, stubborn, super competitive, etc. I’m not a kicked dog. Never have been. Been a victim of this or that from time to time, but not because of my personality. Being submissive doesn’t make me weak, or worthless, or a thing to be used. It doesn’t mean I won’t stand up against someone (although I had to learn to stand up for myself). It means I’m a natural born follower, but I don’t follow just anyone. I’m also not
less than. I’m pretty damn kick ass support staff. I can step into leadership roles if I have to, but I won’t be happy about it, because where my strengths lie? My happy? Are in supporting roles. It’s one of the things that makes me a good teacher, I can see the path I need to lay out for the student, preparing them for each successive step, and adjusting as needed, in response to them. It also makes me a pretty decent investigator, because I can pretty innately understand the needs and wants of others (individuals or groups) and follow
that path, backwards or forwards. Getting inside of someone’s head, bringing order to chaos, isn’t solely a non-dominant trait, but it’s used differently. Leaders do the same thing to inspire, to rally, to bring people along the path they want them to follow, rather than to smooth someone else’s path. My path (leader) vs Someone else’s path (follower)? I specialize in the latter.
It’s a pretty grief-stricken thing... if someone has conflated one of their basic personality traits with All-Things-Bad. On a lot of levels. Just one of many, if Dominant = Abuse & Submissive = Victim... where does that leave
anyone??? Stuck between 2 bad choices of “who” to be, and 2 bad choices of
whom to accept and what to expect of them. At the same time? There’s going to be a lot of cognitive dissonance as one is constantly running into leaders/dominant personalities who aren’t (seemingly) abusive, and followers/submissive who aren’t (seemingly) victims. So, do you trust your eyes or trust your experience? Either way you’re mistrusting yourself, and likely trusting no one who breaks the core belief. (Sure, they may SEEM like they’re not abusive, but I bet behind closed doors, or what they’re “really” thinking // Sure, they may SEEM like they’re not victims, but lies lies lies, pretending to be happy, covering up the “real” truth). IF any of this is going on with Mach, a
nd I don’t know that it is, it’s a pretty hard nut to crack.
Also, yup. All of this is daily living & personality stuff totally outside of sex. Interestingly enough? People often switch roles from daily life and sex. Submissive in life, dominant in the bedroom & vice versa. If we want to jump into the even more formalized version of BDSM? the vast majority of people who hire dominatrixes? Are leaders... wanting a break from leading! To a bit of an extreme level. Even that, though? Is still in the realm of consent & happy to be here, as opposed to abuse, sexual coercion, & sexual assault.
And then we can jump into gender roles, like it’s exoected for men to be dominant & women to be submissive in this culture... although to what degree?...how that’s expressed & how varients are “allowed” to show? (Like you used to usually find submissive males in “team” sports, where following is manly, and dominant females used to tend towards the whole “domestic goddess/PTA president” where it’s feminine to be the alpha bitch... but both those normatives have changed in recent years). In short? It all varies a whole helluva lot.
So... Cha. Complicated things, personality vs culture vs sex vs trauma&abuse ...that being able to talk about needs a clear understanding of where someone is coming from. I could be completely and totally wrong about what I was reading from Mach. So I figured rather than assuming he meant A instead of B, that I’d ask & get on the same page.
