The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

You absolutely belong here...
And - physical brutality and psychological brutality are.... Equal, I guess, or equivalent. Point being - one isn't "worse" or "better" or more valid than the other.
Although personally I'd rather be beaten up than have my mind messed with in the worst, most intimate ways.

Like - I think this is one of the things where our language is limited. All our metaphors for violence are physically based, and a lot of our metaphors for emotional pain (stabbed in the back, punched in the gut) etc are physical violence based.
Metaphor.... We assume it dilutes, but it doesn't.

You endured 20 years of narcissistic hell. You endured 20 years of systemic, deliberate brutalisation. I don't care if it was with fists or with mind games - it's pretty f*cking bad. And that's to say nothing of the 16 years before that.

So... I dunno. I think people assume that the mental is less valid than the physical - but I don't believe that.

Some of the worst bits of abuse are insidious and invisible.


I get this.

Bah humbug! It sucks that you get it!
I wish nobody did. I hate that this is a "thing".
Love you lots for being your awesome self, though, Swifty <3 my world is richer, kinder, wiser and comforted for having you in it. :hug:

 

[Swift]

Much respect mums. Aw you made me teary.
(also, I started a Queer, Questioning, Trans and Trauma group. If you'd like to join as yourself or as an ally for your son you'd be most welcome.)

 

[mumstheword]

Much respect mums. Aw you made me teary.
(also, I started a Queer, Questioning, Trans and Trauma group. If you'd like to join as yourself or as an ally for your son you'd be most welcome.)

Thanks for the invite. :) I might pop in from time to time, thanks @Swift.

 

[mumstheword]

So I don't know if the baby rape and 3 1/2 year old rapes actually happened, flooded with feelings that might pertain to that though. Curled up in bed, confused, overwhelmed, frightened. Mum's subsequent denial of the preschool drugging make it impossible to trust anything she says. Dad said she went psychotic around that time. What triggered that? So many questions, no answers. Caught in the not knowing. I have snippets of memory but loads of blanks and a lifetime of chronic dissociation. Can't help feeling that the "you're crazy" drummed into me by ex, is quite valid when I'm confronted by these feelings, but intellectually, I know a lifetime of abuse and gaslighting will do that to a person.

 

[Swift]

Hugs.

It's okay to be flooded and unsure. That doesn't mean you're crazy - but if it does, we can ask for matching straitjackets.

 

[mumstheword]

Hugs.

It's okay to be flooded and unsure. That doesn't mean you're crazy - but if it does, we can ask for matching straitjackets.

Haha lol @Swift :-() :laugh: yeah padded cell with you sounds MUCH more appealing . Retraint not so great. I realized my "stuckness" ie still not driving might have something to do with that overwhelming sense of trapped and overpowered from so young. How to fully get out of the "trauma loop?" Hhhmmmm. Reading Thomas Moore -The Re-enchantment of everyday life (I've got his other two in the series-- Care for the Soul and Soulmates, I adore this author) and listening to enchanting Peter Gundry. Imagination and intergration, arts, nature, love, kindness, authenticity, simple pleasures, endless learning and sense of wonder.....add to the list, if you will.... Magical inner realms and Soul retrieval, these are some of my saving graces. :-)

 

[mumstheword]

What of The Soul?
With it's ebbs and flows,
Intricacies and complexity,
Depths and heights?
Mystery of our interior,
what are the parameters of Our Being?
Inner terrains and melodies, fertile 'scapes and songs,
song sings out of me, escaping into the ether, insubstantial yet consequential, a thing and yet no-thing, paradoxal, juxtaposing a space-that-feels-and-has-Presence; vital, between worlds and imagination, dimensionally, contradictory and yet Making Perfect Sense.
Inner shadows and contours, angles, caves, valleys, mysteries, mountains, expanses and tiny spaces, attics, basements, subterranean epochs within. Mine is full of Nature; forests, running streams, Nymphs and Winged Sprites, I don't fully live in this world, I live between Life and Spirit. I am Soul. I am the substance that is more substance than matter. I am felt in the quickening of creative juices, feelings and transportation, alliteration, illustration, expression, vitality, connection, spine-tingling, Charged with Electrical, Universal, Particles of Consciousness. I make Whole and Complicate, I render reductionism redundant, I spell more than words can make. I make quake the Having-to-know-it-all. I am dark plumbings, probings, cavernous, womblike containment for your Originality. There is no end to me. I am Soul.

 

[mumstheword]

Soul is story and Life in All It's Messy Glory and Gory Truth.
I'm a Story, a Story Within a Story, ad infinitum.

What's it to be?

Victory?

Victory seems to only come after many epic fails and falls from grace.


I'm quietly aching to Be Seen.

Truly.

To share.
To connect.
To transport,
To Enchant,
Dwell in a garden, a forest, a cottage, by the sea, a babbling, rushing stream.

Magic lives in me and you too.

I'm a child of the universe.

Mystery captivates me and music has given me salvation and expression.

Winds of transformation carry me on clouds of inspiration through groves of fey beauty, while I coo dove-like, to my loved Ones, my babies, my lover, I call them, softly, lilting and lullabying, You are Adored by me! You are reason enough for my attention and restoration. You entice this soul's Presence into Being. Be at Peace With all the richness and soil and muck and growth and lotuses-from-stinky-mud-and-poo, and blood and pain and endurance and transcendance and plummeting and drowning and learning to swim while drowning and forgetting and remembering and quiet and sounds, lightening and endarkening, viseral impacts and imprints. I am here too. We are not alone, never alone, always loved and cared for by Unseen and Seen Presences and Powerful Beings. All this Messy Life is Good when Soul is Welcomed and brought home!

 

[Swift]

I love the way you write.

Your soul is welcome here. I'm so honoured to have met you.

 

[mumstheword]

I love the way you write.

Your soul is welcome here. I'm so honoured to have met you.

I'm glad :-) honoured to know you too. @Swift

 

[Juso]

Wonderful writing, mums. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

[mumstheword]

Wonderful writing, mums. Thanks so much for sharing.

You're welcome Juso :-) Thanks so much for reading and commenting!