I’m so glad you are taking a break! Well done for taking that very hard step.
Be very careful about continuing to stop by and check on him - doing so reduces the chances of him facing the pain of his behavior. He’s still got the benefit of you trying to handle his distress. This could considerably motivate him to delay looking at his stuff and taking responsibility.
It’s very compassionate to stop by, and I’d be really torn too. As this plays out, I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes this all as hope that he can get you back without making changes.
Therapists are not supposed to manage our lives for ourselves, but they indeed supposed to give us a heads up when we are making choices that are unhealthy and/or harmful to our own mental health - like when a client is with someone who is out of control and then blames the client for that behavior. It wouldn’t be an exception for a therapist to speak up, but a normal response to a very unhealthy dynamic.
He’s really not in the place to be with someone anytime soon. If he really begins to take responsibility for himself and dig in with treatment, his symptoms will likely get worse for a season before they get better. You wisely recognize he’s in no place to have kids.
Have you considered beginning to think about dating others?
Yes, I’m finding it hard to only see him once a week already. This week I saw him twice. I have to keep in mind that I’m not doing him any favors by enabling his behavior. If i look at it that way then it’s more likely I will stick to my resolve. He has been cleaning more and taking better care of himself.
He’s switched from regular cigarettes to vaping which I know still isn’t good for him, but he’s gradually cutting back the amount of nicotine he puts in his vapor and his place smells so much better. I am happy to see any improvements right now. He does act super lovey dovey and affectionate which coincides with him wanting sex and I have a hard time saying no - so this is problematic as I made a rule I would just check up on him and not sleep with him and I have already broken this :( Before I see him, we talk about how we are both feeling and if there is any reason we think we are both in bad moods, we will call it off. Seems more like avoiding issues and not dealing with them (I have pretty good reasons to be resentful and frustrated), but right now I’m not looking at it in terms of a relationship as much.
I don’t want to be too hopeful. I told him that right now I need to see changes in his behavior in order to be able to consider us together in the future. And that right now I do not see us together. In the past, he has said so many nice things when he was worried about losing me and yet his actions have haven’t lined up with his words.. I do not want to fall back into that trap.
My therapist also told me that regardless of her recommendation, I need to do what I feel is right for myself and stand by my convictions. I have a hard time doing what is best for myself - it’s been a reoccurring issue in past relationships and of the many things I need to work on with my therapist.
As for dating, I’m having trouble moving on right now - I have only myself to blame as I am still participating in things that make me attached to him emotionally. I am somewhat ashamed that I have such a hard time sticking to my own rules and while I have cut way back on seeing him and put my foot down in some ways, I still have a long way to go.
Thanks for the follow up...
