Why have I kept hanging on?

[Strangelongtrip]

After three years of “culling”, I have one friend left who doesn’t treat me or others well. I’ve acknowledged multiple times to people around me that I don’t know why I keep being friends with her. It terrifies the hell out of me to leave her. She’s repeatedly hurt me, but I hang on. She’s selfish, entitled, and spoiled, and I know I’m being fake by being friends with her, but I can’t stop. We’ve been through so much trauma together. We’ve both been raped, multiple times, by people we both know.

We’ve both been in abusive relationships. She knew me before I had PTSD, before either of us had our adult traumas (we also both have crappy parents who are neglectful or abusive in some way). She can do good things but they usually come with a judgement passed. She has a way of making compliments an insult. “Yeah your room is the cleanest I’ve ever seen it.” I love her but I don’t like her at all.

But she hasn’t gotten help for her issues, says “therapy doesn’t work for her”. She’s addicted to alcohol and weed, she drinks a bottle a day despite being on antidepressants and is small, and knows she has a problem but doesn’t do anything about it. I’ve tried a thousand times to get her help, she’s never done anything about it. I care about her so much but I can’t be her friend anymore and it makes me feel sick an angry for some reason. I feel like I’m terrible for leaving her. I logically know that if someone treats you bad they aren’t a good friend, but I guess she’s the last link to this high school age where I was innocent. Although she isn’t, because I have other friends from that time. We were such a big part of each other’s lives.

We got into a fight Friday because she said something incredibly rude to me, I called her out on it, and then I backpedaled and said I was sorry (???) and that I was having a rough time. I hate myself for that. I go from I’m going to leave her in her corner and not let her affect me to feeling so horrible.

 

[Friday]

I love her but I don’t like her at all.

Sounds like family.

Which means ‘leaving’ follows a different dynamic, and has different expectations attached, than leaving someone who is just a friend.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Sounds like family.

Yeah that’s probably more accurate. And more like how I view my family lol. Maybe it’ll be good practice.

 

[Justmehere]

By trying to fix her pain, change her problems, you use up time that you can’t use on your own stuff - and that has pluses and minuses.

 

[grit]

Dear Stranglelongtrip

We keep people like this around so we can feel self-righteous, better, and fixers. Without them, then we have to carry those feelings and their manifestation and turn them inward - which is WAY MORE PAINFUL.
You keep her around so you can feel better about your journey and your "betterment" than her.

Without her, you will realize how much you are not actually better than her.

The more we judge those around us and we see their issues clearly, the more we are those issues ourselves.

I am truly not preaching but I can say I have had that myself and guess what...I still do it and it is a reminder of the area I need to work.

If you, and only you can do this, if you truly see her as a person who is suffering as you were let us say 5 yrs ago, you may cry for her and soften your stance on her and maybe if she is lucky, she will respond to your softness or she will run away from it.

but maybe give her that - kill her with kindness!

We heal as we also give more space to others to heal...

I also think your friendship is probably a source of safety for her and we are sometimes at the hardest for those that make us feel the safest until we make that connection. This is my take on your post.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@grit sorry I’m just getting to this. That all makes a lot of sense. We actually just talked. I guess she’s a source of safety for me too.

 

[Ronin]

Safety, or an illusion of it because of trauma bonds?

Not seeing how someone who is an active addict and hurt you many times would be safe,
But seeing all of the reasons they would very really feel that way. Safe, needed, wanted, loved.

 

[grit]

@grit sorry I’m just getting to this. That all makes a lot of sense. We actually just talked. I guess she’s a source of safety for me too.

I am so glad to hear that Strangelongtrip.

When I get stuck on a friend's issue my husband has a way of saying and why is this bothering you so much? and boom I see I am working through something in their problem.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Yeah I kinda take back the safety thing. I told her something today and had a mild panic attack that she was going to betray me with the information. Or try to go after this person I like. Idk why I told her. Dumb of me.

 

[Justmehere]

What other support do you have? Perhaps the issue is not so much that you keep going back to her, but that you don’t go to others who might be able to provide better support?

 

[Abstract]

Have you truly accepted who she is right now Syrangelongtrip, rather than who you want her to be. Have you accepted that she is likely never going to be the friend you wanted her to be.

Have you accepted that there is nothing you can do that will change how she is with you.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@Abstract I think I'm mourning the friend she was when we first met, four or so years ago. But really, she was only that person for a short period of time. Last time I decided I was going to see her, I had rules about her. No getting drunk around her, no telling her things I wouldn't trust her with, keep her at a distance. I know what I'm going to get with her. I guess I haven't accepted that, because once I accept that I don't think I'd want to be friends with her anymore. I don't really, but I don't know. It feels wrong, she has co workers she's friends with but I think some part of me thinks she needs me. She doesn't talk to anyone else about her issues with depression, possible PTSD , and drinking and weed.

@Justmehere I have about a half dozen amazing friends who know what I've been through, have helped me, and I enjoy being around. Theymay not live close by like she does but are amazing, kind, caring people. Two live close by the rest are anywhere from an hour away to a three hour plane ride away. But distance like that doesn't mean much when I have texting and phones to call them. I think part of me still believes I don't deserve friends like this, and sort of tries to isolate myself. Like even now, one of those friends I'm interested in romantically and even though they've chosen to be my friend for almost a decade, I still don't believe I'm good enough to be with a person who treats me well. I also have really bad fear of abandonment but I'm keeping it under control for now. It makes it harder to let go of people I think, because it feels like I'm doing the thing that I fear people will do to me?