Humiliation and trauma

[ladee]

I too love the way you shared about 'shame'. Makes so much sense. So with the two of those things, we feel we never catch a break.

 

[Justmehere]

Battling echos of haunting humiliation, I paused to read Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise.”

She was a rape trauma survivor, and testified against her rapist at 8. He was convicted and got a day in jail. He was murdered when he left jail. She stopped talking for 5 years thinking her voice killed him, and then someone introduced her to great poets and authors... and she became an amazing voice.

This poem is powerful.

 

[Teasel]

Does humiliation for you ever get stirred up and lead you to feel defensively angry or terrified in the present, without new trauma happening?

Yep, used to often respond with freezing. Things must've improved somewhat now as I can sometimes access flight instead. Have even been able to stand up for myself more than I ever used to though humiliation is still too hard often.

Have you been able to work through humiliation? If so, how? What practically helped you to resolve it?

I wouldn't say so no. Maybe a very little bit. Self compassion and reduced self hatred n self blame might have have made some small inroads. Deciding that I'm on my side despite the shame and humiliation. Am no where near having worked it all through though.

In the past couple years I've been having a lot of dreams on being shamed and humiliated. Guess my brain's starting to process this stuff I dunno.

 

[nekograssman]

Absolutely, it was the defining aspect of my trauma actually. Eight hours a day, five days a week, of an adult making all the other children laugh at you because you are different. After three years of that I became really desensitized to humiliation/shaming because I've endured it all.

 

[Survivor3]

I was humiliated at college when I was suffering from horrendous trauma and would dissociate when in public. I was in so much pain and people thought that it would be really clever too humiliate me quite literally in front of an audience. It's happened in other circumstances aswell.
I nearly committed suicide because of it and it ruined my confidence. Sometimes I quite literally wish they were dead, other times I manage to just find them cruel, sick and irrelevant people. I've tried and still do a lot to move on but it lingers and bites me sometimes. Luckily I don't have too have anything to do with them anymore and am surrounded by better people.
My heart goes out too other people that deal with these issues, especially if sexual in nature.

 

[blackemerald1]

I've been having a lot of dreams on being shamed and humiliated.

^^This is me right now. The temptation to rebury it all is so tantalising. I haven't even told my T. She might suspect but I'm not sure.

Humiliation is such a powerful weapon. I have often wondered why. Is it possible the perpetrator broke us down beforehand and we were already suffering from self doubt or self esteem issues?

I think the perpetrator has to have some sort of insight into what would dehumanise a person to be successful. This requires some personal knowledge of the victim and what might be a humiliating act to be forced to endure.

 

[grit]

Such a heavy feeling. I rather than not divulge unless I have a moment to nap afterwards.
Thank you for posting this.

 

[ms spock]

I live in the shadow of humiliation all the time. It's darkness is always following me with an anticipation it will take over at any moment. Shame is just its nasty cousin that hangs out watching, lurking, and waiting so it can destroy what is left after humiliation is done... I hate it but I am left basically speechless trying to work it out in therapy.

I live in humiliation, I have corrosive self doubt, so I am battling my feelings of humiliation on a daily basis, sometimes a moment by moment basis. I am battling it better now. I have been reading books at the moment, and giving myself a break from my head. I am going back to David Burns' book, but I find it so hard to focus on it. It is hard dealing with the distorted thoughts that bring on my humiliation. Shame I feel so much shame for being me. I have wasted my life due to the traumas of my childhood. I was then revictimised in my late teens and early 20s, despite trying so hard to heal. I was abused and exploited by a psychologist that I started seeing when I was 15. It is with great sadness that I reflect on this.

I am also trying to do Self Compassion Breaks that is made of three steps (Kristin Neff's website)
1. That this is a moment of suffering. It hurts to feel humiliation and shame.
2. I have common humanity with all other survivors of extreme child abuse. PTSD and Complex Trauma, and reactive attachment disorder, who struggle as adults every day because every developmental phase was severely disrupted as a child, other people on this forum who had childhoods like mine also struggle like I do. I am not alone. People with my background struggle in ways similar to me. Many have committed suicide. I am so not alone with this shame and humiliation. I have many people, in this thread even, who understand what I am going through.
3. May I show myself some kindness, some love, some compassion to myself. How do I be kind to myself

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was just scammed out of my Grand Caravan, very old, and I was so triggered I was suicidal. Why? I couldn't figure it out. I worked hard at letting it go, we weren't using the van, I wanted it gone, it's gone. This thread has confirmed that it is the humiliation that is triggered. I've been humiliated all my life. I was a chubby kid, and my mother would humiliate me while feeding me snacks and ice cream etc. I ran outside and played as hard as the other kids, but still I was chubby. My mother dressed me in a way that was made fun of, and I was bullied at school, camp, etc. I guess the humiliation stuff is still there. I don't know why my therapist thinks I have worked through the trauma, since I haven't. Thanks for the thread, now I know what to work on next.

 

[blackemerald1]

I was just scammed

I'm sorry you were scammed. The word scam is a new era word for 'tricked' or 'conned'. There is something in the word scam that seems to put the responsibility on the victim instead of on the scammer. I don't quite understand how this happened but it is wrong. It is victim blaming albeit in a subtle way.

I regard scammers as thieves and criminals. I really want you to stop taking responsibility for thieves and criminals. They spend their whole day and in some cases lives perfecting their criminal behaviours. It is not realistic to fend off every possible scammer. That's not what your life is about is it?

We have all sorts of agencies etc., who spend every second of the day trying to get their heads around these criminals and even they are found wanting at times.

You would naturally protect yourself from being scammed and you didn't do anything deliberately to help them steal from you. So throw away that idea.

This thread has confirmed that it is the humiliation that is triggered. I've been humiliated all my life.

The scamming has fed into some festering self-doubts that's bedded in your childhood. I think it is worth exploring with your counsellor. I'm sorry your mother and school friends were so superficial and irresponsible with your feelings.

At the end of the day @DharmaGirl - when a criminal has stolen from me or I have been treated badly I use visualisation and Karma... even though I know it doesn't work that way lol. It still helps me move forward from that rising bile of humiliation.

So I am visualising that caravan and the wheels going flat and rattling off, the door falling away from the side, the cupboard doors unhinging and the roof caving in. There I have done it. It is now worthless even to the criminal. Can you do it too? :hug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

Lol, @blackemerald1, I could never wish bad karma on someone since that assures me bad karma. Instead I'm concentrating on seeing the real picture. My ex-husband had a great business building guitar pedals for amplifiers, a niche that had yet to be filled. He made money hand over fist, but couldn't keep it up. He would get behind, then make excuses, then do nothing. He would build the business back up, rinse, repeat. I think these guys are less criminals, more mental problems. They are planning to do it, and were going to do it, but somehow something gets in the way so they don't and hope it will just go away. One is a vet, and my personal belief is that most of them have undiagnosed PTSD. I'm not excusing them, and I will take them to court, but otherwise I'm not buying into the humiliation of being lied to anymore. I feel fine, and my son does not want them in our house. He thinks they will knick things. I agree, I doubt they'll show up anyway.

 

[frogthroat]

But then there’s the lingering issue of the emotional trigger. Someone humiliates me? Pow. That can mess me up for months.

Oh yes or even the perception that someone may be trying to humiliate me sends me into an emergency shut down. I find it hard to interact or express emotion if I endure the slightest humiliation or reprimand. It's like coiling up inside myself. It hurts so bad I can't have even the most platonic of relationships.