Humiliation and trauma

[Justmehere]

This post is a handful of questions I’m working through for myself. I’m really curious about what his is like for others and what helps.

Did you experience humiliation during trauma?

For me, humiliation is different than shame, but they could overlap or be the same for others. For me, humiliation is more exposing than shame. It’s more about what someone else did to me that was dehumanizing.

For me, humiliation was the worst when the time trauma involved more than one person, the times when the perp laughed or joked, and for the times I was least able to physically fight back or resist.

Shame? That for me was more of an after effect and impacted my self of self. It is more private, more secretive. Humiliation feels more public and affected more of my opinion about trusting others. Shame impacted my self worth more.

Does humiliation for you ever get stirred up and lead you to feel defensively angry or terrified in the present, without new trauma happening?

For me, shame is just there. Like a low hum in the background. Humiliation pops up, gets triggered, like a monster with loud blaring horn trying to shout me down.

Have you been able to work through humiliation? If so, how? What practically helped you to resolve it?

Talking about it is something very new for me to be able to do.

 

[Sideways]

Sensitive issue. Very hard to crack it open and discuss it. Going to have a go...

Shame? Absolutely. It’s there as a constant, simply because I was abused, and because I carry those memories of what was done to me around with me all the time. Shame is a big bad monster that will take years to overcome for me.

Humiliation? Is a complete other issue. It was something that my abuser inflicted on me deliberately, and taught me that it would help me “overcome my pride”. So, just the way he sometimes did things that were deliberately painful (that was entertaining for him), he also set me with tasks that were deliberately humiliating.

It’s been incredibly hard to process that. It’s involved acknowledging what was done and coming to terms with that, and also re-wiring my brain as part of the deprogramming stuff I’ve had to do. Shame makes that especially difficult to do.

But then there’s the lingering issue of the emotional trigger. Someone humiliates me? Pow. That can mess me up for months.

I don’t know if I’ve added anything to your OP, except to say that absolutely shame and humiliation can be 2 very seperate issues, and for me, I’ve had to deal with the humiliation aspect as akin to the deliberate infliction of pain, rather than pairing humiliation up with the shame issue.

 

[Justmehere]

Very hard to crack it open and discuss it.

It sure is. Many other aspects of trauma don’t seem quite as hard to me.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I looked at this issue in therapy under the name "shaming". When someone actively uses shame to harm you. I ended up reading a book by Brene Brown on it, which I found really helpful. It was called "I thought it was just me but it isn't" (if I remember correctly).

She's actually a shame researcher - which I think is a really cool and unusual job. I thought she wrote really well about it and she knows her stuff, cos she decided to become a shame researcher because she had suffered from ppl shaming her, growing up.

She has a lot of excellent shame resources online too, and she covers how shame is *used* (ie humiliation) pretty well, IMO.

Great thread, btw! :)

I'll try and contribute something more personal later on.

 

[ladee]

I experianced a lot of humiliation. Being forced to endure being pushed front and center in the family dynamics, and always be the one at fault, the one that made the mistakes, that brought shame on the family.

An example. One Christmas, the whole family was at my oldest sisters house for the gift opening. I was maybe 13 or 14. The house was full of people. There was one gift left, and everyone was in the living room. My oldest sister made a big deal out of who it was for, of course drawing everyone's attention.. and then she handed it to me.

I was already so messed up and showing signs of depression and anxiety, I hated that she made me the center of attention. Being young and thinking I was getting some thing special, I tried to not be embarrassed at everyone looking at me as I opened the gift.

It was a box full of switches. And everyone fell out laughing. My sister set me up, for the ultimate humiliation. Long story about our relationship, and the damage she did to me. But I knew at that moment, how worthless, unimportant, and that no one had any regard for me or my feelings.

Of course I ran out of the room, crying, and she found me and gave me a lecture about it being a joke and that I took it too personal.

Yes, yes I did take it personal. Just as it was intended. To this day, if someone laughs AT me, tho I handle it much better now, I'm still thrown into those old feelings.

That one situation, plus the many many more things she said and did, they were always humiliating. We have some extraordinarily cruel people from our past. To 'put us in our place'. To teach us our worth. Those things are almost impossible to unlearn.

It can be done, but it takes a lot of time and commitment to finding our true self, which we question if there is even one that exists.. It amazes me that any of us are here. We are some of the strongest people on this planet.

 

[Freida]

Wow -- I've never really thought about this - but ....
I actually had to look it up to make sure I have the right definition in my head...
Humiliation
to reduce (someone) to a lower position in one's own eyes or others' eyes : to make (someone) ashamed or embarrassed

Yep. felt that. I think for me the humiliation is what causes a lot of the shame I still have. It seems like there was so much planning to create situations to humiliate me, make me feel less than human, to make sure I knew I had no control and to make me an active part of what was going on

My shame comes from both allowing it to happen and complying with the instructions -- which in my head means I'm responsible for my own humiliation. And yes I get that I didn't have a choice....it was do or die.... Or at least I'm trying to get that. Oh who am I kidding -- I'm no where close to being ok with it. :rolleyes:

I do know that if someone tries to humilitate me today I become Bitch Woman From Hell -- guess this is why???

Yep - new topic for therapy

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Def separate and def can't touch the humiliating memories with a ten foot pole yet. In fact haven't even brought up to T the humiliating memories or feelings.
Yikes.

 

[Strugglingsaks]

alot of dehumanizing humiliating things were done to me and it caused me to have this big cloud of shame over me. Being treated like an actual toilet and tortured because "its fun to watch you cry" what i became after that was what i feel he left me as and if that isnt shameful then i dont know what is....

 

[Freida]

LOL -- Ok I'm really happy you started this thread because it is so good to hear from others that I'm not alone in this. And I'm upset I read this thread because it made me realize how much I hadn't thought about this aspect and that I'm going to need to talk to add it to the list of Things I Dont Want To Talk About In Therapy. So I guess its a win/win? :)

 

[Justmehere]

Things I Dont Want To Talk About In Therapy.

Oh, my own list is SO LONG! lol

You are in good company. ;):)

 

[Rumors]

Oh, my own list is SO LONG! lol

You are in good company. ;):)

Mine too... I live in the shadow of humiliation all the time. It's darkness is always following me with an anticipation it will take over at any moment. Shame is just its nasty cousin that hangs out watching, lurking, and waiting so it can destroy what is left after humiliation is done... I hate it but I am left basically speechless trying to work it out in therapy.

 

[Strugglingsaks]

Mine too... I live in the shadow of humiliation all the time. It's darkness is always following me with an anticipation it will take over at any moment. Shame is just its nasty cousin that hangs out watching, lurking, and waiting so it can destroy what is left after humiliation is done... I hate it but I am left basically speechless trying to work it out in therapy.

im so sorry that youre feeling like this but i love the way you explained shame