History trying to repeat

[Glo809]

Greetings
Been a few months of stability.
But that went up in flames as my 40th HS reunion was last week.

Are you coming? They asked, no I. Said I'm. Here in the cornfields, of Ohio and trying desperately to get my Ptsd somewhat under control so my life can squeek out of the cat box of shit I'm living in right now.

So now it's over and the pics are piping up, looks like a lawyers luncheon. What a pile of social weasels. I know because of who I. Was married to, I. Had to be one in name only. So I. Was a WINO..... huh... spoken wyno.

The bigger problem was that memories were reborn and there was one asain, one Hispanic, and me a full blooded American Indian.

Since 5th grade was in fights from the same guys who picked on me because I. Was different.

Back then the principal would say, oh it's. You again. My parents kept a low profile for their sake.

So now to today's issue, I've started cutting myself again, this time on my chest so I. Can cover up, there is no joy in my life, the Mrs is afraid to say anything negative should it send me into an even more darker place. I know where I. Screwed. Up last. Time so there will be no errors.

Got a 8am mental appt Monday, the Mrs thinks it won't. Help...
I hear the demons murmuring out there, got some strength left in me hopefully I'll. Last through the holidays.

Take care all u all
G

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Glo809 -

Been a few months of stability.

^^So you can find stability amongst all of the noise. It is possible.

The bigger problem was that memories were reborn a

^^Yes and I get this. I am fighting memories every day too. I know it is so hard. I have a massive family reunion coming up and I really don't want to go. I am trying desperately to think of reasons why I cannot go that would be acceptable to important family members but I'm coming up with nothing that sounds legit.

When you say the word 'reborn'. What does that bring up for you? I don't think memories get reborn but they do tend to be unwelcome guests and keep on revisiting. Is that what you mean? I think the word reborn gives them a whole new life of their own. To wreak havoc and require learning to control and contain. Like a bunch of weeds or feral animals. Just when you think you have seen the last of them...dam!

If I think they are revisiting I can banish them. I have more control or power over revisiting? Is that what you feel has happened? You just find a semblance of control and stability and bam... it gets tipped over?

So now to today's issue, I've started cutting myself again,

^^More control? How might you get control without doing that?^^ How can you release the pressure and pain without doing that?

Got a 8am mental appt Monday, the Mrs thinks it won't. Help.

^^What can you do to last the distance and get to that appointment? What can your wife do to help you. Have you asked her.

got some strength left in me hopefully I'll. Last through the holidays.

^^You have that strength and insight to pace yourself. You know you do. You need to plan and aim for that.

 

[Freida]

But that went up in flames as my 40th HS reunion was last week.

it comes and goes -- but you can get back on top of it because you've already done it once before. Maybe think of the meeting on Monday as a tune up for a squeaky thing in your car's engine. Just needs a couple tweaks to get back on track.