Ecdysis
MyPTSD Pro
So, I think that people claiming their ex is a "narcissist" is a very over-inflated thing... People have shitty breakups, they (both) show their worst sides in the breakup and engage in some toxic behaviour and then walk away from it claiming that the other person is a narcissist, sociopath, crazy, damaged, whatever...
Whether it's that kind of breakup, or whether people truly did get entangled with a narcissist, I understand that the anger/ blaming phase can be an important part of getting over and healing from a negative, painful experience.
I've been through endless iterations of that... Blame, anger, doubt, self-blame, anger, rage, fury, disbelief, regret... round and round...
I think I finally need to leave that phase of rage and disappointment and hurt and enter a phase of acceptance and understanding and learning.
So I'd love some input from people who have also a) experienced the devastation of a narcissist relationship and breakup and b) moved on and healed enough to be over the intial rage phase and who can c) view the whole mess with a bit more distance, equanimity, objectivity, insight.
One of the questions rolling around in my head at the moment is the love-boming phase... I know not all narcissist relationships start out with that phase, but many do.
Having grown up with childhood trauma, I generally have quite a bit of healthy scepticism about relationships and people's intentions, but I thought that when you're in the "in love" phase of a relationship, it's normal for both people to sort of be wearing rose coloured glasses and to be "idealising" the other person a bit... I mean, nobody's perfect, but when you're in love, it can feel like the other person is perfect... And I don't necessarily think that's a guaranteed warning sign that the person must be a narcissist.
Ever since this happened to me tho, I'm hyper-sceptical now, when anyone is nice to me, that it's a potential love-bombing, idealisation, over-valuing phase of an overt or covert narcissist.
How can I tell the difference? Is there some kind of litmus test to differentiate "this person and I are a really good fit" and "this person is mirroring and play-acting that we're a really good fit for nefarious reasons of their own"?
I've lost all confidence at being able to distinguish that and I'm soooooo scared of getting entangled in that kind of dynamic again because it literally nearly killed me last time. I mean, I survived a whole childhood full of trauma and "coped" and "survived" but the relationship with a narcissist completely undid me and I lost the will to keep living. So I know the price can be beyond unimaginably huge - it can cause you to lose yourself in the most fundamental way.
So being able to tell the difference between "this person and I get on really well and we've got similar tastes and interests and values" and "this person is scamming me by emotionally tuning into what I want and pretending to be that" is truly a matter of survival.
In the aftermath of the relationship and breakup described above, I also got into the same dynamic with the boss at a new place of employment. This boss convinced me to leave my old job, they offered me amazing conditions at the new job, when I hesitated, they kept improving the job offer, I even said that I wanted to work there part-time for a while, to make sure we were a good fit and they complimented my work throughout that whole time (2 months) and then we finally signed the contract and literally on the day that I handed in notice at my old place of employment, the whole thing "switched" and turned into a dark, abusive stream of mistreatment... I was so shocked at the time and still wasn't anywhere close to understanding the dynamic of narcissist interactions... I didn't realise that they will do "whatever it takes" to get you hooked and that the moment they can tell you are hooked (eg handing in notice at your old employer) that they will shift the dynamic by 180 degrees, because now you're trapped...
So yeah, I really need to figure this stuff out.
And I know that my experiences of childhood abuse actually make me vulnerable to this stuff... After growing up in such an awful setting, a part of my psyche "wants" to hear the stuff that a "love-bombing" narcissist will tell me - that my work is great, that I'm a good fit for the company, that we're really alike, that I'm the partner they've been looking for...
Whether it's that kind of breakup, or whether people truly did get entangled with a narcissist, I understand that the anger/ blaming phase can be an important part of getting over and healing from a negative, painful experience.
I've been through endless iterations of that... Blame, anger, doubt, self-blame, anger, rage, fury, disbelief, regret... round and round...
I think I finally need to leave that phase of rage and disappointment and hurt and enter a phase of acceptance and understanding and learning.
So I'd love some input from people who have also a) experienced the devastation of a narcissist relationship and breakup and b) moved on and healed enough to be over the intial rage phase and who can c) view the whole mess with a bit more distance, equanimity, objectivity, insight.
One of the questions rolling around in my head at the moment is the love-boming phase... I know not all narcissist relationships start out with that phase, but many do.
Having grown up with childhood trauma, I generally have quite a bit of healthy scepticism about relationships and people's intentions, but I thought that when you're in the "in love" phase of a relationship, it's normal for both people to sort of be wearing rose coloured glasses and to be "idealising" the other person a bit... I mean, nobody's perfect, but when you're in love, it can feel like the other person is perfect... And I don't necessarily think that's a guaranteed warning sign that the person must be a narcissist.
Ever since this happened to me tho, I'm hyper-sceptical now, when anyone is nice to me, that it's a potential love-bombing, idealisation, over-valuing phase of an overt or covert narcissist.
How can I tell the difference? Is there some kind of litmus test to differentiate "this person and I are a really good fit" and "this person is mirroring and play-acting that we're a really good fit for nefarious reasons of their own"?
I've lost all confidence at being able to distinguish that and I'm soooooo scared of getting entangled in that kind of dynamic again because it literally nearly killed me last time. I mean, I survived a whole childhood full of trauma and "coped" and "survived" but the relationship with a narcissist completely undid me and I lost the will to keep living. So I know the price can be beyond unimaginably huge - it can cause you to lose yourself in the most fundamental way.
So being able to tell the difference between "this person and I get on really well and we've got similar tastes and interests and values" and "this person is scamming me by emotionally tuning into what I want and pretending to be that" is truly a matter of survival.
In the aftermath of the relationship and breakup described above, I also got into the same dynamic with the boss at a new place of employment. This boss convinced me to leave my old job, they offered me amazing conditions at the new job, when I hesitated, they kept improving the job offer, I even said that I wanted to work there part-time for a while, to make sure we were a good fit and they complimented my work throughout that whole time (2 months) and then we finally signed the contract and literally on the day that I handed in notice at my old place of employment, the whole thing "switched" and turned into a dark, abusive stream of mistreatment... I was so shocked at the time and still wasn't anywhere close to understanding the dynamic of narcissist interactions... I didn't realise that they will do "whatever it takes" to get you hooked and that the moment they can tell you are hooked (eg handing in notice at your old employer) that they will shift the dynamic by 180 degrees, because now you're trapped...
So yeah, I really need to figure this stuff out.
And I know that my experiences of childhood abuse actually make me vulnerable to this stuff... After growing up in such an awful setting, a part of my psyche "wants" to hear the stuff that a "love-bombing" narcissist will tell me - that my work is great, that I'm a good fit for the company, that we're really alike, that I'm the partner they've been looking for...