Sexual Assault Trying to remember SA

[Nietzsche]

I (33F) have suspected for a long time that my father sexually assaulted me repeatedly throughout my childhood (maybe ages 2-15?). But I have no memories of it. My mom divorced him when I was a toddler and he was highly emotionally and verbally abusive to her. Some of the things that make me suspect are:

• I have a PTSD diagnosis (and have been diagnosed by multiple professionals) but I barely remember any abuse
• I remember when my mom bought me my first bra around age 10, my father told me to show him, but I think I dissociated so I don't remember what happened next
• I remember what my father's genitals look like (but I think maybe I just saw him naked in an innocent way?)
• When I was an adolescent and a boy kissed me for the first time, I experienced extreme derealization and was so shocked. A similar thing happened the next time I kissed someone and I spent so long worrying that i could never have a normal relationship (which was fair because I'm 33 and it hasn't happened yet). I couldn't talk to the boys afterward because I was so panicked about what happened.
• Once I started having sex, I dissociated every time (after over a decade, I dissociate only about 25% of the time)
• A lot of things that should feel sexually pleasurable feel like pain to me (but only when I'm with someone)
• When I am with a man and I orgasm (which I usually can't), I can recognize that it is happening, but I feel no pleasure (this is not true when I'm alone)
• I know that my father was emotionally abusive to me because of what others tell me, but I don't remember those events (which gives me evidence that my brain forgets painful things, particularly related to my father)
• Other people report that I was crying after I was with my father and wouldn't say why (I don't remember this)
• I remember feeling afraid of my father without knowing why. I remember being in high school and sobbing in the bathroom because I had to visit him, and my friends were asking me why and I didn't know
• My stepmother would accuse me of behaving inappropriately toward my father and viewed me as hypersexual
• I know I did behave inappropriately, like putting my leg on his lap and moving it closer towards his crotch.
• I generally feel like I seem like I was sexually abused: promiscuous, not caring what anyone does to my body, risky sexual behavior, sex for money even though I didn't need it, sex with older men around the age of my father when I was growing up (20+ years older than me)

There is definitely more that I'm not thinking of at this moment, but I feel so ready to remember so that I can process and move on, but I just can't remember. What if I never get the memories? I want to know so so badly and I try and try and try to remember. I do work with a therapist but there is never enough time to get to everything and I haven't been able to remember. Has anyone had success finding their memories? How? Can anyone give feedback on what I do remember- for example, do others who know they've been abused relate to my experiences, or do you think I may be right that these are possible signs of sexual abuse by my father?

Thank you so much for any advice or feedback.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
Trigger warning removed in line with the Community Constitution. No need for them here - every thread contains potential triggers.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

For What's It's Worth ---- this could describe me. But over the years I've remembered that it wasn't actually my dad, but my grandfather. I think I then transferred my (dissociated) fears onto the men closest to me?

I don't know your story and you should trust yourself. But it is also tricky with dissociation. It's so hard to pinpoint what we don't' remember, and what is most important is honoring the feelings and effects, not necessarily the exact narrative.

 

[Nietzsche]

For What's It's Worth ---- this could describe me. But over the years I've remembered that it wasn't actually my dad, but my grandfather. I think I then transferred my (dissociated) fears onto the men closest to me?

I don't know your story and you should trust yourself. But it is also tricky with dissociation. It's so hard to pinpoint what we don't' remember, and what is most important is honoring the feelings and effects, not necessarily the exact narrative.

Thank you, this is so validating

 

[Bland]

Writing about specific instances of sexual abuse has helped me uncover memories that were foggy. And I know this might not be the best thing to say but you should focus on preparing yourself for when you do uncover this memories. You will feel a mix of relief and horror. I felt better in a way but I also realized how violated I truly was.

did he ever stop your inappropriate behavior towards him?

 

[Rose White]

All of the things you listed can have causes unrelated to csa—personality, parental enmeshment, emotional abuse, societal conditioning, and so on. Many people live without knowing the cause of what bothers them about themselves—the work of facing it is just as valid.

If you are bothered by that list then you deserve to recover yourself, regardless of the cause, and the work will reveal what you need to know.