NaeNae75
Platinum Member
Okay, so I'm feeling like a crazy person. I went to my women's group last night. I started there last October when my s/o pushed me away and moved out last year. We reconciled after a couple weeks of a break, but he's still living in his house and me in mine. The facilitator is a retired counselor that ran a veteran's therapy program. So, it would make sense she is supposed to be a bit of an expert on PTSD. That's part of her resume and her specialty.
The group has really helped me to deal with a lot of things over the year, and helped me grow as a person. I've found a lot of strength for growing as an individual as well as advice on building a healthier relationship. But last night I felt almost attacked.
I brought up that once again, this October I got the annual "break up" text. Honestly, this happens the beginning of every October, like clockwork. His last deployment began the first week of October, while in the middle of a custody battle with his ex wife. He's admitted it made him feel as though he abandoned his son to face neglect for his duty. It was a hard time for all of us.
I generally take the whole thing with a grain of salt because we've done this so many times. For example, this year... last week, his freshly divorced friend also with PTSD (that he spent 20 years in the military with) moved in with him because his exwife got the house. This man did not want his divorce, his wife couldn't take his untreated PTSD anymore while struggling with her own MS, so she filed.
We started couples counseling (only going twice) recently. He also started therapy with a T that does EMDR as well last month (since my results with it were good) So I tried to be vulnerable and open up to him about some of my needs. I also (mistakenly) asked him how he would feel if I ever left, and promised I wasn't threatening that, but I wanted to know. I said it's hard for me when you leave, I'm just wondering if it would be hard on you too.
He told me he would be devastated by that.He was loving and sincere. He spent all of last week being especially sweet in order to make up for some canceled plans as well. He had nothing but kind, loving words and sweet kisses for me all of last week. He was as loving as ever.
Well then I got the annual break up text last Friday night in which he copied our counselor, the same lady that facilitates my group.
When I talked to him about it in person, he told me I'm his best friend and he loves me, but his heart is closed since his other friend died tragically this spring. He said that he's messed up and can't meet my needs. Because of that, he said it's inevitable that I will leave him, so it's better to break up now instead of causing us both more pain. He also told me his love feels finite right now and he's closed off to everyone. He said it's impossible because of that to feel romantic towards me and I deserve someone who can give me that. I told him he's working on it, and I can wait. He told me there's no way to know if that can ever be possible, so I need to move on. (These are always pretty normal things to hear when he's depressed)
He also mentioned his T wants him to go on antidepressants because he's depressed and feels hopeless.
Well, I said in group that I was going to take her advice and take a step back to let him work on this. I also told them I brought the rest of his things he had at my house and left them on his porch. Then I said that he's sick and hurting, but it's hard to see this as him wanting to "really" break up with me since it happens every year and because of the other things he's said. So I am willing to wait a bit for him to figure things out, and hopefully reconcile.
Well she all but went off on me. She threw her hands up and said, "well since you know him best and he's "your man" there's no point of saying anything else" and that I'm not listening to what he's saying which is he wants to break up with me. Then when I said I'm trying to hear everything he's saying and take ALL of his words into account, she told me that I pressured him into saying what I want to hear.
She said that I need to hear that he wants to be away from me and he should grovel etc if he wants to come back because he needs to step up and treat me the way I deserve because I've already spent a year letting him try to figure it out. That having hope for him to come back will stunt my progress and I should only think of me right now.
I said I have no intention on doing the work for him, I'm letting him do it. She said, well every time you talk to him you give him the answers instead of making him figure it out. When I said, but he took care of me when I was ill, when no one else in the world did, so how can I desert him when he's sick? She said, because he already told you he doesn't want to be with you and you're just not listening.
Is that true? I mean, this seems like such a normal PTSD response to stress and anniversaries. Am I wrong for wanting to be here for him, albeit from a distance? Why does it have to be assumed I'm self destructive for wanting to be supportive? I don't think it's denial to say there's more going on with him than just wanting to break up with me. I honestly don't understand.
Am I angry that he is doing this? Yes...but the love you have for someone after 8.5 years doesn't go away in a day. So is the fact I don't believe him because of past history make me wrong and unhealthy? I don't get it...what did I do wrong?
The group has really helped me to deal with a lot of things over the year, and helped me grow as a person. I've found a lot of strength for growing as an individual as well as advice on building a healthier relationship. But last night I felt almost attacked.
I brought up that once again, this October I got the annual "break up" text. Honestly, this happens the beginning of every October, like clockwork. His last deployment began the first week of October, while in the middle of a custody battle with his ex wife. He's admitted it made him feel as though he abandoned his son to face neglect for his duty. It was a hard time for all of us.
I generally take the whole thing with a grain of salt because we've done this so many times. For example, this year... last week, his freshly divorced friend also with PTSD (that he spent 20 years in the military with) moved in with him because his exwife got the house. This man did not want his divorce, his wife couldn't take his untreated PTSD anymore while struggling with her own MS, so she filed.
We started couples counseling (only going twice) recently. He also started therapy with a T that does EMDR as well last month (since my results with it were good) So I tried to be vulnerable and open up to him about some of my needs. I also (mistakenly) asked him how he would feel if I ever left, and promised I wasn't threatening that, but I wanted to know. I said it's hard for me when you leave, I'm just wondering if it would be hard on you too.
He told me he would be devastated by that.He was loving and sincere. He spent all of last week being especially sweet in order to make up for some canceled plans as well. He had nothing but kind, loving words and sweet kisses for me all of last week. He was as loving as ever.
Well then I got the annual break up text last Friday night in which he copied our counselor, the same lady that facilitates my group.
When I talked to him about it in person, he told me I'm his best friend and he loves me, but his heart is closed since his other friend died tragically this spring. He said that he's messed up and can't meet my needs. Because of that, he said it's inevitable that I will leave him, so it's better to break up now instead of causing us both more pain. He also told me his love feels finite right now and he's closed off to everyone. He said it's impossible because of that to feel romantic towards me and I deserve someone who can give me that. I told him he's working on it, and I can wait. He told me there's no way to know if that can ever be possible, so I need to move on. (These are always pretty normal things to hear when he's depressed)
He also mentioned his T wants him to go on antidepressants because he's depressed and feels hopeless.
Well, I said in group that I was going to take her advice and take a step back to let him work on this. I also told them I brought the rest of his things he had at my house and left them on his porch. Then I said that he's sick and hurting, but it's hard to see this as him wanting to "really" break up with me since it happens every year and because of the other things he's said. So I am willing to wait a bit for him to figure things out, and hopefully reconcile.
Well she all but went off on me. She threw her hands up and said, "well since you know him best and he's "your man" there's no point of saying anything else" and that I'm not listening to what he's saying which is he wants to break up with me. Then when I said I'm trying to hear everything he's saying and take ALL of his words into account, she told me that I pressured him into saying what I want to hear.
She said that I need to hear that he wants to be away from me and he should grovel etc if he wants to come back because he needs to step up and treat me the way I deserve because I've already spent a year letting him try to figure it out. That having hope for him to come back will stunt my progress and I should only think of me right now.
I said I have no intention on doing the work for him, I'm letting him do it. She said, well every time you talk to him you give him the answers instead of making him figure it out. When I said, but he took care of me when I was ill, when no one else in the world did, so how can I desert him when he's sick? She said, because he already told you he doesn't want to be with you and you're just not listening.
Is that true? I mean, this seems like such a normal PTSD response to stress and anniversaries. Am I wrong for wanting to be here for him, albeit from a distance? Why does it have to be assumed I'm self destructive for wanting to be supportive? I don't think it's denial to say there's more going on with him than just wanting to break up with me. I honestly don't understand.
Am I angry that he is doing this? Yes...but the love you have for someone after 8.5 years doesn't go away in a day. So is the fact I don't believe him because of past history make me wrong and unhealthy? I don't get it...what did I do wrong?
Last edited:
