Relationship The Only Person I Want Is My Wife, But Intimacy Has Gone

[NPS]

Hi. First off I apologise this might be long.

I am a husband of a wife who was just diagnosed with ptsd. we have been married for 8 yrs and have two great sons (4 & 6). I have a good career and my wife is a stay at home mother.

My wife has had a TERRIBLE childhood. most of it she doesn't remember. Her father left her and her brother at 3. Her mother then left her the following year so she was raised by her grandma, moved from school to school. Years later her brother committed suicide (accidental drug overdose) at age 18.

When we dated I knew all of this, however never knew how it would impact my life many years later.

In the beginning we had a good level of intimacy but BEFORE the wedding it started to diminish. It has always been wait until _______ and it will get better. Until 2 yrs ago with NO level of intimacy we both went to see a marriage counsellor. We saw her for 8 months (which I set up). She then suggested she sees a more qualified person who deals with trauma.

I once again researched and found a great trauma specialist in the area. I had no idea the road we were going to go down. He had determined something big happened to her through psychoanalysis and CBT. She has been seeing him for 8 months too. She has been changing quite rapidly since she began seeing him. Extremely distant, jumpy, forgetfully, tired, sick, anxious and snappy can only sum up some of the things she has been doing. No more kissing, hugging, eye contact....nothing. The psychotherapist says she wants to avoid going to the distressing event so much that he doesn't know if she ever will.

Now that she is an utter mess and our communication level is down to nothing she told me she doesn't want to go see him anymore....which I thought would happened. She said she is changing as a person and I am the one to blame. I thought I was helping her get rid of her demons only to find she thinks I am the demon.

I don't know what the future holds anymore.

My family and kids are everything to me, however, I cannot live with no intimacy any longer. The only person I want is my wife and that is the only one I cant have. She told me she wishes she found someone more like her that doesn't like intimacy. At this point I feel she wants a divorce.

Why is this happening to me???

I am a wreck trying to hold everything together.

Is this going to get better?? What do I do??

Very lonely and confused.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum.......Will it get better??? That's hard to say, and it depends on how much your wife is willing to do, in order for it to improve. By the sounds of your post, she is starting to give up....

The thing with PTSD and therapy...It will make you a lot sicker, and I think this is what is happening with your wife at this point. Facing all of this shit, is hard, it's raw, it hurts, and it drags up stuff that, really we would rather forget about. But the painful truth is...In order to get better, we have to face it, and doing so WILL make us sick. It does get better, but it takes time.

Therapy is desensitizing ourselves from the trauma. It's a long process, but it does work. This forum is another source of desensitizing us also. Basically the entire forum can be a trigger for people, when reading some of the stuff that others have gone through, but it helps us in the end.

Anyway, I don't have much to offer you by way of hope, but there is support here if you need. Please read as much as you can, and ask questions.....

 

[NPS]

Thanks for the reply. The painful answer I had a feeling I was going to get. My next question is if she does chose to quit therapy at this point....what next?? will she be worse off the rest of her life? what is the chances of her having a healthy relationship after going down the road halfway?? she thinks something happened to her but cant remember. she is a mess right now and it is getting worse.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum NPS. Unfortunately it will more than not get worse before it get better.

If your wife quits therapy and gets no other help she will likely struggle more....that is something only she controls but from what I have seem in my time here ending therapy/help usually is to the detriment to a relationship.

Please come down to the Carers' section and read the sticky threads at the top of each section as they may help you. It is a roller coaster ride and the unfortunately reality is that generally the Sufferer controls much of what happens which is determined by their attitude or willingness to get help and heal their trauma.

 

[NPS]

So I should be preparing for divorce?? This is crazy! I have been more than patient (sexless marriage for 8 yrs). I love her very much but it is so painful to not recieve the love they give out. I go to bed lonely every night. My kids deserve to be raised in a healthy family structure. I cant believ this is happening. Has anyone else out there gone thru this and was able to have a healthy relationship?

 

[Farine]

Hello NPS,

I hear between the lines, the reservations and objections of your wife. Has she really considered the penaltiies of being a single mother? During my two separations, I got a chance to be a single mother first hand experience. We have two tweener girls - just so you know a little bit about me. We're back together again and it's been 9 months so far. You were asking about a healthy relationship. It's sufficient. I doubt any of my family or friends would go so far as to call it 'healthy'.

As a single mother she won't be seeing her children much at a time when they desperately need her. She'll be working, plus laundry, meals, shopping and overseeing homework. The relative peaceful responses from her children will be a thing of the past. Mine had six weeks of solid disruption which tapered down (and that's WITH therapy in place) gradually after that. THere were days with 15 meltdowns..a DAY. Add that to her current emotional state. Because the emotional stablitiy gets hammered with the shared emotional experience. Children do not have filters to stop them from processing her emotions.. or in this case my emotions. I was very dilligent about managing my emotions 'off site'.. I took a lot of walks.. I took a lot of hot baths. I journalled. I did creative projects of all kinds. Even so, there were times when I still lost my temper regrettably. I don't know if she has my temperament. I don't go off easy. I really struggled with this. Just putting this out there. Hope it does someone some good.

Has she really considered this? Feel free to tell her.
Farine

 

[Monarch]

I have a great marriage but we have had our ups and downs due to my PTSD. We work together and he is my support, I had to trust him, until I did that I was very distant but once I brought him into therapy and started making him part of my healing we worked together and became closer. He can tell now when I am struggling and knows what to do and what not to do. You have to engage and support, don't think about divorce think about her healing and how much better your family will be when that happens.

 

[NPS]

Farine and Monarich....thanks for your input and support.

I dont think she looks too far in the future these days. I know what life would be like (for her) but like I said she is not thinking clearly these days. She wants her pain to end and she thinks if you eliminate me from the equation that might happend.

I love here dearly and nobody wants her to succeed more than me however ultimatley it is her choice, she controls her own destinity. I feel powerless and am watching from the sidelines. I know more about ptsd than her cause I am constantly reading up on it and educating myself. It is so awfull that childhood abuse/neglect not only effects the victim but everybody who loves that person.

 

[Monarch]

totally my husband read up on it too but I didn't know he was doing it because we weren't talking about it. Then I brought him into therapy with me and we started talking and have been ever since. There was a point when I wanted to divorce him but it was all about pushing him away. Yes, she controls her own destiny but when she is not well, when any of us aren't well we don't make rational decisions.

 

[ISupportHer]

Hi, sorry I don't have time to respond in detail. I kind of keep an eye out for other males who are carers. Hope you have read lots in the carers section.

Much of what you describe rings true for me as far as feelings, etc. I know that when I started here I was specifically looking for other males with wives or GF's with PTSD but found this forum to be so much more.

Don't want to scare you too much but this is a very hard road for you and her. There is no quick fix and, as you will read, you can do your best but ultimately it all hinges on your wife. Her ability to cope, participation in therapy, etc.

Take care and I will try my best to follow your threads.

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear NPS,

I am not sure if this is in any way helpful, but perhaps there is a middle ground: your wife may be correct in intuitively thinking that this is not the therapist for her. I agree wholeheartedly with everything that has been said- especially She Cat, but what I am thinking is that therapy, as painful as it is, shouldn't involve a total (relatively permanent) shutdown without other more useful strategies in place to deal with the pain. It has to be faced, and we cannot control how much will come up, but sometimes it can be too much too soon, too fast a pace- I think that by the sound of others different Therapists (and definitely different Therapies) can make all the difference. She may not want to run away from it as much when she has moments when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and some relief.
I think that her Therapist stating/ inferring that she may not be able to get through this, to face it, is already a bad sign. Just IMHO, of course. I think that anyone picks up on the "vibe" that their condition is seen as 'hopeless', combined with intolerable pain and ample amounts of fear and not understanding what is happening to me it certainly wouldn't be a motivator, were it me.

Perhaps her Dr can also use an appropriate medication complement- even that takes trial and error, usually.

I think that intimacy has taken a second place to survival, for her. Especially when it is a trigger for her, by the sound of it. However, if the 1st can be faced, the second will not be the obstacle it is now.

I'm sorry that your family has to go through this, but many people will do all they can here to support and help you, and there is a lot of terrific and applicable information here that will help. Please take care of yourself as well.

 

[NPS]

Hi Junebug
I agree with you on what you said about intimacy taking a second place to survival. In regards to her therapist (PHD) who is one of the best in the field of trauma (I did alot of research) she actually likes him. She dosent like what he is doing to her (recalling repressed feelings). Also, in the middle of this she weaned 100% off her antidepressant (effexor for 2 yrs). The therapsit told me that they are making progress but at a very slow pace. She will find any excuse not to go to therapy once a week. She is also in denial too as he told me it took him 2 months with her to admit there was a problem. She dosent remember a specific incident and that is what is frustrating to her. At one point in therapy she broke down crying uncontrolably and her heartrate sky rocketed. She dosent know why and he told me he hit a "live wire." She told me there is a reason why she blocked out much of her past and that she dosent want to go back there. I replied to move forward one has to go to that incident and move past it with the help of a professional and a loving husband and home environment. At first I thought she was not interested in me but I have learned it is not me. I am sorry I keep rambling, just a confusing time for me. I never thought this would happend. I always thought we would have a happy life together and every day that passes I think that will not be the case. I feel if I leave I just contribute to her problem of everyone else in her past who abandoded her. Selfishly i am just lonely for a woman.