Embarrassing question- one that I’ll probably leave this site for awhile.

[Snowflake]

Snowflake,

I forgot to mention it to you yesterday that I truly hated my mother for what she has taken away from me - my innocence and my creativity and true love that i had a lot of rage and hatred toward the world in a very fundamental way.
The only way I truly experience love in my body alone was during dreams. I felt love and care in my dreams and I tried so hard to keep that feeling so I could find it outside. I think dreams give us a way to feel something that is so unbearable in real life and if we do not resist, the body cannot tell what is real and what is imagined so those feelings become easier to digest.

It is my feeling toward your post that you have deep shame of sort as a core wound and your body wants to process this in your most safe space in the universe - in your dreams. Please allow to feel in your dreams and so those feelings and memories are not ruling you in your outside feelings and experience.

I had such a hard sleep last night because of Kavanaugh's confirmation, I thought of you as I processed my rage against not believing victims who are already questioning their sanity and memories in my own dream. I honestly could not express that much rage consciously!

The Kavanaugh ruling bothers me as well.

I’m disgusted by my body! I’m disgusted my father (and mother) enjoyed my body at an early age. I’m angry my first “sensation” was from my father-with more that followed. I’m embarrassed and afraid to share this with anyone, including my therapist. I hate sex and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate the words penis, vagina, ejaculation, orgasm, sex, “cum” to the point that I would rather kill myself then hear those words ever again. I do everything I can to not to speak those words too. My body is damaged, defective and flawed. I hate it so much that I wish to destroy it.

I’m sorry for venting.

 

[grit]

The Kavanaugh ruling bothers me as well.

I’m disgusted by my body! I’m disgusted my father (and mother) enjoyed my body at an early age. I’m angry my first “sensation” was from my father-with more that followed. I’m embarrassed and afraid to share this with anyone, including my therapist. I hate sex and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate the words penis, vagina, ejaculation, orgasm, sex, “cum” to the point that I would rather kill myself then hear those words ever again. I do everything I can to not to speak those words too. My body is damaged, defective and flawed. I hate it so much that I wish to destroy it.

I’m sorry for venting.

I am sorry you had this experience snowflake. I am holding this heaviness with you. Please take care of yourself.

 

[jaay]

It is normal, 100%. Your body is meant to work like that, no matter who's doing the thing or whether it's wanted. Remember, that isn't you- your body's natural reaction to a stimulus, that's pre-programmed and pretty unavoidable, isn't you consenting to/ being happy with the events in the dream, not in the slightest. You don't have to hide- you have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[Skywatcher]

I wrote down something similar in my journal back in June and still haven’t had the guts to show it to my therapist. I read it at night and think it’s no big deal to show it to her. I even bring my journal along to therapy, but then I panic about it and keep it hidden.

 

[Snowflake]

I wrote down something similar in my journal back in June and still haven’t had the guts to show it to my therapist. I read it at night and think it’s no big deal to show it to her. I even bring my journal along to therapy, but then I panic about it and keep it hidden.

Exactly

 

[blackemerald1]

@Snowflake do you want to share this information with your therapist?

What do you think your therapist may think if you did?

 

[Snowflake]

@Snowflake do you want to share this information with your therapist?

What do you think your therapist may think if you did?

I’m not sure. I kinda said it in a voice message to her but she didn’t mention it. It feels gross, disgusting and embarrassing to me

 

[blackemerald1]

she didn’t mention it. It feels gross, disgusting and embarrassing to me

Do you think you could bring it up with T again because I think it is important. You are so distressed by it.

It's fairly clear that your body has responded in a completely normal way as other's have mentioned here already.

I'm wondering if you could say it to your T and discuss it whether it would begin to help you heal - particularly in relation to your own body and self.

 

[Snowflake]

Do you think you could bring it up with T again because I think it is important. You are so distressed by it.

It's fairly clear that your body has responded in a completely normal way as other's have mentioned here already.

I'm wondering if you could say it to your T and discuss it whether it would begin to help you heal - particularly in relation to your own body and self.

Possibly