How do you define "love"?

[lostforgottensoul]

So, I'm still bouncing the "to love and be loved is a basic human need like the need to breath air" around in my head.

If you want more background on this it's in this thread: Non-spoken about past after therapy

What I've come to the conclusion of last session was that I need to define what love actually is to grasp this. It is still hitting around in the core beliefs area, which is where "deserving of" and "worthy of" live and my therapist said it's greater then that but I came to conclusion that in order to grasp that earlier quote, I need to first grasp what love actually is. Which I thought should have it's own thread as it's really quite different.

So...open to all. How do you define love? What is love to you?

 

[Ronin]

That gleaming look full of stars in someone's eyes when they see you, & consistently caring and being considerate to you.

(If we are talking relations that are not to kids. I have way many along the line of sacrifice, and putting them first even if it kills you. Realized the other day that should not be a definition of love for every relationship :bored:)

That caring and considerate of your needs point may actually apply in the real world, the rest is just what I go / went by.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That gleaming look full of stars in someone's eyes when they see you, & consistently caring and being considerate to you.

That caring and considerate of your needs point may actually apply in the real world, the rest is just what I go / went by.

Hmmm. I always longed for this but have never experienced this.

I should have added that I told my therapist that it would be easier if I had something to compare it to. Like, if my family loved me then I could say "ok, this is love. That wasn't" and this would be so much easier but never experencing love makes this a thousand times harder to grasp in my view.

It is intresting to note, though, that my entire 20s was spent searching for love. Every form of it. Mostly sexual as that's all I knew. But I was engulfed in that search. Enough to rack up over 100 people online and made my entire family go bye, bye one at a time. Everyone of them (online and family) abandoned me but, why search so hard for something if it's not a basic human need?

Still bouncing it around as you can see.

 

[Abstract]

Do know someone will bring up the whole different types of love thing so may as well be me. The Four Loves - Wikipedia

Do you want to say what specifically it is that confuses you? This is about your father, yes?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you want to say what specifically it is that confuses you? This is about your father, yes?

Yes but not just him. Him, my mom, my entire family (who are the defintion of disfunctional), my past. I mean, the entire cult. All the rituals. All done in the name of "god's love". Still calling my step father my "first love". So, in all honesty, it's all of it that confuses me. Read the love languages book and I might as well have been reading French. Maybe if I turned the book upside down? ?

 

[Abstract]

Well not getting real love and rather getting sicko self gratification masquerading as love is an extremely damaging confusing thing for any child to deal with and that confusion and hurt goes on and on. So very sorry.

Real love is about truly genuinely caring about the other person and their interests. Whilst still respecting yourself. Its not a means of getting something from someone. Its not me. Its you or us.

 

[Ronin]

I told my therapist that it would be easier if I had something to compare it to.

I would maybe compare notes with your T, on that. :sneaky: As in clarify what they mean when they say love. What is their concept of love, and if other things you know already cannot work instead of phrasing it as love (acceptance, respect, joy, shared humor, helpfulness and helping each other out, wanting to be with that person as they make you feel safe and valued and wanted, shared experience or very similar lens through which you view the world, shared interests that are vital to your sense of well being, intense dedication to the same goal that means a lot to you... I could go on).

Or for starters get to the brainstorming about the concept, itself (maybe you might find it was present in your life, already, just not in the depth or places you would have needed more).

Edited to add: What were you learning about love and care, both, as a child, from anything that was not your family? What did you think of or dream of in the times what they did did not seem wholly right, or entirely right, or just not fair, or Maaybe others do it different? I would look for the scraps /there/. Something gave you the strength to survive this long. Someone entirely deprived of love, since a child, does not make it that far. So what were pieces of Something Else And Kinder?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would maybe compare notes with your T, on that. :sneaky: As in clarify what they mean when they say love. What is their concept of love, and if other things you know already cannot work instead of phrasing it as love

Oh, we did. He uses his wife and his kids as examples. I don't remember his phrasing exactly. To be honest, I was really disocciative last session for whatever reason. He uses Chopper. My service dog. But, my mind, though I can grasp it in a dog sort of way, that's a dog. I mean, love, yes, but isn't there a difference in loving an animal and a human? But that's what he gave me as a reference. Been kicking that around a bit too.

So what were pieces of Something Else And Kinder?

Yes. A christian youth center and 2 mentors. A male and a female. But boy, is that an emeshment of confusion with religon and crap. My adult years are all a blur. Mainly survived via denial. But thats how I survived during it. That was my only place of refuge. But, when I try to tap into that it's now all emeshed in a confusion about "god", "love"..."god and love" and what that actually is and yeah, a complete insane mess. I don't know if I can even describe those feelings today. I could try to dig them out I suppose.

Real love is about truly genuinely caring about the other person and their interests. Whilst still respecting yourself.

I can sort of relate to this. I geniuenly care about others and give without wanting anything in return. But then I become a doormat. So, I dunno.

Ugh! Why does this have to be so hard? You'd think I'd be able to grasp something so dang basic!

 

[Abstract]

in enmeshment you lose you when caring for them. Enmeshment really can be about filling a gap in us rather than it really being about them or us, real love. Like a drug essentially.

You *who is a full person" genuinely caring about A " a separate full person" in a certain way = love.

 

[Ronin]

A christian youth center and 2 mentors.

What were they like, aside of being Christian? What were the THEM qualities and the way that treated you and others that stood out, that made them worth returning to, that helped? :)

(Trying to find a way to evade the religion et all cluster. So bringing it back down to people and attitudes and how did you spend time, that made the difference.)

And nah, not basic.
If it were so basic, people would not need to puzzle so much about it, not even starting on the whole worlds of art that would not exist. :)

 

[Ronin]

Enmeshment is when you lose you

... but so is selfless love, or, hell, just the decision to give the other everything, some forms of loyalty, etc. (This could get tricky, just saying. Because things can be very much about losing oneself in someone else, without being the toxic bundle that enmeshment is.)

 

[Abstract]

Have improved it a bit. :) I guess losing oneself in the moment in the context of the relationship is one thing. The big picture counts. The whole relationship being of a nature when you can't really have a "you" is another. But brain only half working so probably not expressing that well!