Stuff I can’t remember

[MyWillow]

It started with dissociating through flashbacks so that I was left with no memory of the flashback but an overwhelming physical response - panic, run, terror, freeze, shaking, crying or just muddle headed for days afterwards. I’m only just kinda getting that was what was happening.

Now I’m remembering the flashbacks but I have zero idea where they are coming from. The physical response is still awful. There’s nothing that connects them with the reality that is my life (all except one which I know happened and wasn’t a big deal).

I’m so sick of this crap dropping in without notice. And the horrible feeling that I’ve simply got an overactive imagination.

I’m not sure if this is just a rant or needing to know that I’m not the only one. Everyone seems to talk about their “traumas” from a place of knowing. I don’t even like the word. Makes me want to vomit. Speaking of which that brings me to the olfactory flashbacks *shudder*

But seriously WTF am I supposed to do with this shit? Drink more wine maybe? Lol

 

[New]

I understand.

 

[shimmerz]

And the horrible feeling that I’ve simply got an overactive imagination.

My first therapist was very clear with me. I too had no recollection of any trauma`s happening to me besides the DV. My body`s reactions told a different story. I was lied to when I was young and for the rest of my life about a situation. My body was responding to the memories that were coming up. And off I went to learn the `story of Shimmerz`. Shudder. It wasn`t pretty.

So, yeah, I am in the camp of `the body doesn`t lie`. But my brain made up stories, went into denial, was wracked with convulsions to attempt to keep something that happened that was absolutely bigger than I thought, covered up.

There is a phrase I use often these days.
`When the lie becomes the truth`. Specific to me, I know, but based on what my T taught me, your body is responding to something from your history. I wouldn`t spend much time feeling shame etc. My thoughts on that are that that type of thinking will just keep you spinning.

 

[grit]

Hi MyWillow

I feel your biggest disconnection is between your logic and body. Even if you do not remember, I think maybe start to respect and nurture your body. The way you speak about your body and the words you use against even if nothing happened says all your hatred and anger is toward your body. This is my observation of reading your post. I honestly feeling saying, give me that body, she needs a hug and pat on the back for being here.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mywillow,
I relate to a lot of that. Not sure. Things are very different now.

In truth if I look back I did "know" about trauma but I didn't. Words dont really work for this. I guess its like some sort of story in the back of my mind like a dream about someone else. So wouldnt "think" to tell anyone. If I tried to say something about it my head would empty and fill with nothing. Shutters down. Also, the knowing was almost like a tag or a sign not a memory or a proper thought. Like the title of the story was torn off the book and stored in the back of my mind. I also "knew" about flashback stuff but didnt. Dont know how to explain that either. I didnt know what they were but I also never "thought" about them. I never acknowledged them to me. No consciousness of it. But its possible that if someone really repeatedly asked me about certain things I would have been able to verbalise experiences like that. I also have a lot of time where I really don't remember anything, have hints to certain things about possible trauma then and have weird flashbacks that seem to relate to it. Its the part of my life my brain can't do now still.

I also just about killed myself getting to a point where I could say trauma and other stuff. For me would go into intense self hatred and vicious cycles of self abuse. One thing that would happen is would find my left arm wanted to hit my throat to stop the concept of "speaking". I had so totally sectioned off any of this from my reality that coming to terms with it was horrendous. My brain was determined I wasn't going to go there.

Watched a lecture of PTSD (2 hour one) the other day and it at last really really sunk into my brain that PTSD is essentially when we have sectioned off the trauma in a variety of ways. I did this extremely effectively. Even though the stuff I know is pretty mild. Think I may just have a tendency to section things off.

Also didn't "know" or have consciousness of dissociation by the way. Not for one minute did I question being out of my body or other stuff. Not even a matter of questioning it and rather being conscious of it. I always say I dissociated my dissociation. None of that probably makes sense but thats the best I can do I'm afraid. Some things are beyond words.

 

[Swift]

Definitely not the only one @MyWillow. I hate it too.

I always say I dissociated my dissociation.

Bang on. Absolutely.

Mywillow, what you're talking about re: having a flashback where you don't get to what the actual memory is - happens to me heaps. Sometimes I'll be triggered and dissociate or switch (yeah DID here as well), I'll come back and I still won't know what triggered me into that. My mates are really helpful with this, and sometimes they notice what's bothering me about a situation when I don't. A few obvious things like lighters and coat hangers and stuff, I'll zone out and won't have realised why.

"dissociative amnesia" is the technical term for forgetting what happens while you're dissociative, or for filing your memories in a different, unremembered spot to non-trauma things. Since dissociation is the human equivalent of " playing dead" like some lizards do - our brains literally freeze everything except the bare minimum of what you need to survive - eg slow breathing, slow heart rate.

Your brain will release the memories when you're able to deal with them....

I'm sorry everyone else is going through this too because it sucks, but fistbumps all round.

 

[ILoveLife]

But seriously WTF am I supposed to do with this shit? Drink more wine maybe? Lol

Maybe write them down and take them to your pdoc and both of you can work on it together.

Not intending to sound judgy here, I had very much the same approach to dealing with all this crap with alcohol and it only hindered my progress, made my symptoms worse and I thought it was helping me unwind, sleep, or whatever was the excuse for the apparent numbing.
You really have no idea the amount of pressure lifted off my shoulders once I stopped that.

Like you can keep avoiding your mind, but it will come back with a vengeance.

I don't really need to justify my take on sobriety here, but mental health and drugs and alcohol simply don't go together.

 

[MyWillow]

Thanks so much everyone Need to absorb and come back. Thank you xxx

 

[MyWillow]

I’m actually really struggling with the compassionate replies. I was really hoping you’d all tell me I was full of shit.

 

[Swift]

Oh, right there with you.
I hate when I have actual problems I'm not making up...

 

[MyWillow]

Oh, right there with you.
I hate when I have actual problems I'm not making up...

Stop making my eyes leak damn it lol

 

[MyWillow]

Just want to thank you all for your considered replies. Re-reading them now really helps.

In retrospect I was triggered as hell when I wrote this post. Had a terrifying flashback a few nights beforehand where my brain seemingly muddled up present reality and the past. I had to get up at 3am to travel interstate for work so was super busy - focused on work, walking, yoga - for several days. I stopped and it hit me like a truck. Fortunately - or maybe my brain/body was waiting for the downtime - but I had equine T the next day. Was so out of my body but after we stood in the paddock for a few minutes checking in with the senses my T sent me off to connect with the horses. I was walking so slowly and stiffly and really struggled at the start. Then they started pushing me and demanding scratches and I pushed them back. Would be intimidating for a non-horse person I imagine but my T left me to it for 30 minutes apparently. I was laughing by the time they all went and rolled then presented themselves for more scratches.

My psydoc is repeatedly reminding me that my body can’t continue taking the load. I am slowly sharing some of the flashbacks with her.