Meeting people who "might not" like you.

[Changing4Best]

I have been told by some friends that "it's none of your business what people think of you." I am not sure I agree with this, though it was said in love, in compassion, not as a judgement or something like that. The people who said it were trying to be helpful.

Personally, I cannot help but care about what people think of me. Because of this belief, I have suffered untold misery in my life, however. I wish as well as you that I could take on that "I don't give a ..." viewpoint too! But I can't. I have tried!

Recently I had to make an official complaint about what some people said about me publicly. This was at work. The point was made that these things were not OK and were not to be said about me again. Really, without going into detail, the things that were said were in truth harassment, so that was the basis upon which I made the complaint. It seems to have since been handled.

 

[ladee]

P, the power of the words we use, has a lot to do with how we approach things. Yes it's hard. So what !! So is being unhappy and feeling you have to always watch your own back.

Instead of always saying, This Is Hard, try something different. I say, This is Doable, and not give much time or thought to the HARD part. If your brain is hearing 'This is hard' all the time, it will make it even harder. It's just how it works.. If you say, I can do this, regardless of how scared you are , or what ever else is going on, you can start taking baby steps.. It doesn't have to be leaps and bounds, but baby steps.

And your anger has improved A LOT. Lots of love to you P, :hug:'s

 

[Abstract]

One of the things that helped me a way back is to realise that some people liking me was a bad sign. In truth I didn;t respect them or anything they stood for. A poor opinion of me from someone I don't respect likely means Im on the right path. Don't like me? Yay. Must be doing something right. ;)

 

[grit]

I will be meeting a few people that aernt congenial with me. Yes this could be a core belief... that's something I need to discover. This is hard to answer.. I know. It depends on many factors. Are they family? Work related, who are these people? Do their judgement really matter to me? etc etc.

When you are with a bunch of people that might disagree with you... does it become existential to you?

How Do you feel while being with such people? Living with such people is a whole different story...

Maybe this is unanswerable..

Just a bit anxious

All I can say to you is this: you will always meet people who can get us out of our comfort zone so just note your feelings and your thoughts and write them down if necessary or go to the washroom for a quick get up.

As long as you are conscious of your feeling, no one can get into your head.

good luck.

 

[FauxLiz]

@PURUSHA i am sorry you are feeling this way. I deal with people all day at work every day and often they are angry, upset screaming and yelling and voicemails are my kryptonite please remember it is not your job to be liked by everyone no matter how compelling it may be, you are wonderful just being you and it is their loss if they don’t

 

[Friday]

I know you & I have spoken on this before... but it’s probably worth saying again :D

I don’t focus on whether or not someone likes me. I focus on whether or not *I* like them.

If it’s social, that is.

***

If it’s not social and my life depends on theirs/vice versa? I don’t have to like them. I have to trust they have my back and that I have theirs. I’ve worked with a lot of different people, that I might not like, that I might straight up despise them personally... but they’re good at their job, and they won’t leave me -or anyone else- twisting in the wind. But that’s not always the case, and it’s somethig I have to be careful of; gauging the personal feelings of those around me., and if they have the balls to put their feelings aside and do their job, or if fheh’ll Use the job as an excuse to get their way.

Objectively, that’s the trauma piece I need to be aware of in everyday life. Because if I’m working a jobby-job? Where no one’s life is in anyone else’s hands? It doesn’t matter whether someone is good at their job, or will have your back regardless of their personal feelings about you. Or, one worse, if I’m not even working a job, but I’ve shifted into work mode in my head and am evaluating the people around me as if we do depend on each other.

It makes sense coming from your trauma background that needing people to like you to stay alive from back when is leaning hard on the now, when that’s no longer true. Creating that power differential & internal conflict, where you feel you not only have to be liked, but also have to be removed/independent from the person and situation / not “care” about having to be liked. IE, if you have to be liked by someone? They’re the enemy. So you must not put yourself in your enemy’s power anymore than absolutely necessary. But you also know that they’re not the enemy/it’s not the past, so this conflict between past and present, who/what they are & who/what you need ends up raking you over the coals. Because, essentially, liking someone & wanting to be liked by them is turning “on” old scripts.

You might find more movement in this issue if you flank the problem that way. Instead of coming at it via the now, working with someone about life lessons learned in trauma. And breaking the pattern of “if this then that”. (If liked, then enemy // if enemy, then distance)

 

[Tinyflame]

@PURUSHA , I hope you are feeling ok. :hug:

There is very good and eloquent advice here, I doubt this is of any use, but I think of something my father said to me as a child: "The only thing everyone likes is a toilet".

 

[Rani G2]

don’t focus on whether or not someone likes me. I focus on whether or not *I* like them.

@Friday. A point I have to think about. There is a part in me which doesnt like the idea of "I allow myseld to decide if I like that person or NOT." When I go further this part is full of fear of course because not liking the enemy is life threatening.

You might find more movement in this issue if you flank the problem that way.

Instead of coming at it via the now, working with someone about life lessons learned in trauma.

Yes... this is very true!!!

Thank you everyone for advicing!!!!!
So i met those people and actually i liked being with those people.. there were two or three people who werent all friendly and I even went upto them and talked. The fear was no issue... and I was wondering afterwards what happend there.. the "not being liked" didnt cross my mind. Maybe the whole Yoga thing worked.. (Without spirituality in it) Grounding grounding grounding. I dont know.. must be.


Thanks

 

[grit]

@Friday. A point I have to think about. There is a part in me which doesnt like the idea of "I allow myseld to decide if I like that person or NOT." When I go further this part is full of fear of course because not liking the enemy is life threatening.

thank you for that statement! it is quite powerful and it touched something in me. Even though I was more like Friday of I decide who to like or not but my past experience says otherwise - I could not choose to like or not my mother!

thank you again that statement was really deep in my flesh.

I hope you find the strength to get out of that grip.

 

[Rani G2]

You might find more movement in this issue if you flank the problem that way. Instead of coming at it via the now, working with someone about life lessons learned in trauma. And breaking the pattern of “if this then that”. (If liked, then enemy // if enemy, then distance)

I actually wrote this down in my journal. I was thinking about this over and over again. Will be meeting a person end of this week, who is somewhat triggerish. The look, voice, her wanting to dominate a situation. A part of me says „Huh do your really think you are smarter than me?“ so the wanting to rise high. The next one who comes right after that is „She is smarter than me and stronger I should submit myself!“ so if enemy then distance.... this shaky sense of ME and that moment is unbearable at times. Why aren’t there any quick magical tricks to remove that... I think just a lil nervous again.

I hope you find the strength to get out of that grip.

@grit
At times I Do then I don’t. Quite human I guess. The moment I (Distortion mostly) someone ignores me or my perception of disliking I feel this shakiness, it’s as if I must correct that situation by making her/him like me. Ofcourse reality is, that it has mostly nothing to Do with me. So... staying with that feeling in that very moment creates something very conflicting. My goal is to NOT act out on it externally rather staying with it and see where it’s heading... which is tough.