Dissociating, avoiding and less able to think when around ppl I am not comfortable with

[AnD]

I don't know how to act around ppl that I am not comfortable to be around. That is my parents, my mother in law, in therapy, ppl that are dominant, my partner...

The people mentioned above have abused me in some way. But told me that they are not abusing me. I am not sure what is ok anymore. And I am not perfect myself.

I get into a freeze state, dissociate, unable to express myself. I can't look them in the eyes. I have a hard time being in the same room as them. I don't want to open up or be myself.

I feel so uncomfortable.

Normally, I would face my traumas and cry and grieve. I think I should do this.

But maybe I am asking for help with boundaries. And similar stories. How do I know if I am acting like this bc I am having an emotional flashback or I actually should stop being around them, mostly my partner that is.

 

[grit]

The truth is you are not in a safe space!
Nothing can be done really unless you find a safe space.
I am truly sorry you are in this situation where you have absolutely no one you can trust and feel safe with.

 

[AnD]

The truth is you are not in a safe space!
Nothing can be done really unless you find a safe space.
I am truly sorry you are in this situation where you have absolutely no one you can trust and feel safe with.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I don't feel safe with those people. How do I know that it isn't me?

It is a frequent feeling that I get at my workplace too. I feel that I need to toughen up or something.

It is hard to know what is ptsd and what is real. How do I separate those two?

 

[MyWillow]

First of all... :hug::hug::hug:

Yeah this is a tough one. My T and psydoc I feel “relatively” safe with. My T has triggered a lot of flashbacks inadvertently but neither of us knew what was going on and she is much more sensitive about that now. Safe as compared to the rest anyway. My psydoc, particularly, has helped me realise how rarely I feel safe. Except when I’m alone with my animals.

I feel that my family of origin are inherently unsafe and that’s reflected in the flashbacks I keep having. And that speaking with them triggers. I am not strong enough to set the necessary boundaries so I avoid them for the most part and am trying to seriously limit contact with my mum. My partner? Well I know he IS safe (because he is kind and caring and tries hard) but I often feel unsafe. I tease this out with my psydoc because how I’m feeling unsafe clearly replicates how I feel with my family....unheard and not actively protected. He’s been caught up in one of my visual flashbacks and I really had to peel myself off the ceiling after that one. And it took me a week to logic out.

Work colleagues? Again I often feel triggered and I struggle the hell with standing up for myself but a) I’m getting better at recognising this; b) I’m identifying a weakness in THEM (eg narcissistic wound as my psydoc pointed out); and c) covering my arse better (eg everything tracked in emails, not sharing my ideas privately - which is naturally me wanting to help - so they don’t get stolen by these people and represented as their own).

Not sure if that is helpful :hug:

 

[AnD]

@MyWillow
Yes, it is helpful. I am so glad that you have these people with whom you feel relatively safe around. It helps that you share how you feel.

Things are worse now after having seen a bad therapist for years, I am out for several years and my partner that I feel abused by. It makes me feel as if the common thing they have is me. Me being ridiculous.

I notice that the words are coming from my inner child being afraid.

So maybe what I am saying, I am not sure if I am allowed to be treated in a way that I like without being a bitch for saying no.

I feel pretty confused.

When my partner is kinder to me, I feel less dissociative.

So maybe this is me trying to say to me, that my feelings matter. And I should listen to them, and not scorn myself when I can't act on them. Maybe...

 

[MyWillow]

A bad T would make ANYONE feel unsafe @AnD so don’t be so hard on yourself :hug:

Remember that our respective families of origin didn’t fill us with the self confidence that we DO matter. So these unpleasant people are the same with everyone - manipulative, bullying, deceitful etc - but for some people it’s water off a duck’s back OR they have a much stronger sense of self-worth OR setting boundaries comes more easily to them. Or all of the aforementioned. I struggle to set boundaries with people I like let alone people I don’t!!!!!

Your feelings absolutely matter but it’s not unexpected that the most formative years of your life convince you that they don’t. But I absolutely believe that brain plasticity is a thing. And people like us are here to prove it :hug:

 

[AnD]

@MyWillow I think I am dissociating atm. I feel unable to think. I like what you say.

And I know for my brain to heal, I need to leave toxic relationships.

I just reached out to a priest so that I can be honest about what is going on in my home. I haven't been able to in therapy because they can report me to social services. I need help. I really need help.

I am trying to be strong, but I am on the verge of collapsing every now and then. And I blame myself for that. For being weak and for making it all up.

I am not religious, but I hoping that a kind priest can help me. I hope that it is a woman.

 

[MyWillow]

Make sure you ASK for a woman. They can’t mind read my dear friend :hug:

Your awareness that you are dissociating is a damn good start. What can you do that is grounding? Activity? 5 senses? Finding your boundaries - where you start and end - a blanket, walking, interacting with animals works for me. What works for you?

 

[AnD]

Make sure you ASK for a woman. They can’t mind read my dear friend :hug:

Your awareness that you are dissociating is a damn good start. What can you do that is grounding? Activity? 5 senses? Finding your boundaries - where you start and end - a blanket, walking, interacting with animals works for me. What works for you?

Yes, you are right. I can ask for a woman and how to get hold of one. I got it in my head that I needed to go to the church that my address belongs to.

I am getting worse dissociation wise, I can still function. I can feel my parts getting closer and my brain is checking out. I can still clean and take care of the kids. Basically, no matter how far I am gone I can do normal stuff. Except when I collapse on the floor and have seizures. And then I get up after the seizure and continue.

So I guess I am not even taking it seriously. That I am checking out. I am still here writing. I can type and think in a foreign language.

Not even my former therapist could see when my parts were out, even though she said I had DID.

I just made my kids' cuddly toys some clothes.

Grounding. Laughing is the most effective for me.

I feel as if this thread might be getting off topic.

 

[MyWillow]

It’s your thread. You can do what the hell you like lol

 

[TTC18]

:hug:
People who have abused you and then said they weren't abusing you... that's abusing you twice, in my book. (And I have people like this too)

It makes me feel as if the common thing they have is me. Me being ridiculous.

I've thought this exact thing about myself. But it's wrong. What they have in common is THEM being abusive. You do not deserve what's happened to you, or what's happening to you.

I do hope you find a priest who can help you - being able to talk to someone who'll be on your side could be a huge relief for you. It is SO toxic to be surrounded by people who treat you like you're dysfunctional when they're the ones trying to break you. And with kids - you're trying to hold it all together, which makes it just that much harder. I wonder how many of my own issues come from trying to be OK and hold it together so my kiddo doesn't see me freaking out.
:hug: Wishing you all the best...

 

[grit]

@AnD
Your subsequent responses made me think my first response was not deeply thoughtful.

Your comment here

It is hard to know what is ptsd and what is real. How do I separate those two?

shows me that you are in conflicted situation and it is more about your safety internally and your actual safety in the world.

I can only imagine having PTSD and going to a therapist who also adds hurt to the mix. Actually I do not have to imagine that..I had that and that was how I learned what is internal safety...My old therapist was so bad and completely disrupted my homeostasis state before I came to her the major difference of how i was feeling outside and how I was feeling around her WOKE ME UP!

I will write few thoughts and see if any may work for you:

1. In order to test your reality of what is internal safety issue (PTSD related) or external safety issues (abusive in your environment) - you will need a therapist or a professional who can help you in this sort of matter. Maybe even a yoga teacher or mindfulness teacher or one single person in the world you trust...even skype and see if your old self shows up.
2. Your inner child (the abused side of you) is the leader here and she is overtaking your executive side- the everyday logic side to gauge what is real unsafety and what is inside unsafety. A huge chunk of you is afraid and triggered so you are overwhelmed. For me if I am super afraid, I know it is my inner child not my everyday person - for me not sure if this is same for you.
3. even if going for a walk for an hour (if you have that luxury) then take it and sit in a park where there are others in earshot and just listen to your body and ask what is telling you? what does she want? try to re-connect with your body.
4. if you have kids, do you feel safe with them - then try to be around them and play and see if you recognize your old self
5. JOURNAL. you need to learn all your parts. You survived so far so you have IT in you but you just lost it momentarily. Writing you will see what is coming out and by re-reading you can see your own blindspots.

All fancy way of saying, we need others and we need to trust or we are sort of lost and scared. Hope you can find one person even if that is a person of faith.

I truly believe all the help we need is inside of us . it was not taught us as children and it hid but it is still in there. your inner child is crying out loud, ask her what she wants and you will hear the answer if you listen deep enough.