Had an argument with my Vet about something stupid and got really mad at him

[Never_falter2]

Hello,

I had an argument with vet yesterday, actually because I broken one of his silly safety related rules (because it was one that really made no sense to me, people brake it all of the times and are still live. However vet thought I contaminated everything). However it made Vet ask me over and over again “So you want your kids to die“. I said no, that I did not want my kids to die but that he was being over the top and he kept asking me (calmly but it made no sense) if I wanted my kids to die and that was like... surreal... because there was no real danger... and typically he knows he acts over the top...
and then I totally lost it and got really mad at him and yelled at him to shut up with his stupid ideas.
Vet (calmly): “This is not about you. I am not angry at you. I am just telling you that everything is very dangerous. The kids are gonna die. You unfit parent“ (not his actual words but that was the meaning of what he was saying) and he was acting so snobby and superior and he talked like a person who is talking to an idiot... and i got so angry at him that I yelled it him to shut up because nothing he said makes sense.

Next day, everything back to normal, told him I did not want to hurt his feelings. He is at work now. I feel horrible to have yelled at him but I cannot cope with him being that snobby. Not sure what to do next tim e he is snobby. Hopefully act more wisely.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Never_falter2 - does he know you find that rule difficult to stick to and why? Are you going to talk about it and nut out some kind of a compromise?

You sound so normal btw!

:hug:

 

[Never_falter2]

Okay. How can I explain this. My guy has a lot of safety rules that make no sense to the rest of the population (at least to those who never served... was shocked to learn that SOME of his rules make sense to other vets... but only SOME). Vet knows that it is difficult for other people to follow his safety rules. It is even difficult for him and makes his life very complicated... if he wrote them all down that would be a 99 volume masterpiece... and he is seeing a therapist and working on having less safety rules.
Makes this sense how I explain it. He knows his rules are over the top, but he still gets stressed when I or another person he cares about breaks one... especially if our kids are involved...

 

[blackemerald1]

I understand what you are saying. I can appreciate how frustrating this is for you honestly... I'm not doubting your efforts to follow the rules but I think you are being awfully tough on yourself if there are so many to follow and occasionally you forget or disregard.

Maybe can you suggest he bring this particular rule up with his T for sorting out. It sounds like it might help to get it better understood. There is probably a kernel of truth or reality in it for him even if it is a stretch. But idk - you would know this better than anyone I think.

 

[Never_falter2]

My guy does not like the fact he has so many rules but he feels kind of unsafe/feels that other are unsafe without them. This is why he tries to do everything right and makes people do things right so that he can feel the situation is safe but then on the other hand he dislikes having so many rules and I think he is working on this in therapy.
I am really mad at me because I got angry at him and yelled at him when he was just feeling unsafe/feeling the kids where unsafe and that was not what he needed... but then I hated how he asked me if I wanted the kids to die. “So you want the kids to die“ kills every discussion and I do not know how to react to it... and he was being so snobby and know-it-all-ish. If he told me “hey I am afraid and don‘t know howto react“ I would have reacted better.
Anyway I am disappointed with myself.

 

[Ronin]

Tbqh it sounds to me he could use some reality check, of then / war state / different state safety and hazards situation, and where he is now, the right now and right here and how much things are risky.

To be able to tell what is now, at least enough to not be controlling and catastrophizing at small triggers like that, is his work to do.

That blame is not okay, you are not doing a great evil to your family, and you are not a bad mother and wife because of his past projected on you.

 

[Never_falter2]

Yes, he totally needs a reality check because in every situation he thinks that only the worst things are gonna happen but I need some reality check too because it is part of his condition. So what do I expect?

 

[Ronin]

And talking through why things are vs are not an imminent danger of some kind is not possible? Comparing notes, thinking up what you will do, each or together, in what problem situation? (So he would know you have your corner covered. And you the same about his.)

 

[Never_falter2]

Sometimes we discuss this but sometimes it is not possible to discuss it and I think he is very much to blame for this too.
It depends on the perceived danger.... for example if we talk about dirt or contamination because of pesticides.... vet sees this as far more dangerous than most people. He also thinks he is smarter than other people and needs to boss them around for their own good (but then of course a lot of men do and it makethem annoying).
Sometimes vet cannot see I just have a different opinion (and most likely a correct one because most people do it like I do)... and he thinks I must be stupid or bad or both to have the opinion that I do have... and then he tells me that I do not care about my children... that I am a Bad person or otherwise i would agree with him.
I think it is not possible for him to look at his opinion and see that most people do not share it (and their kids are still alive) and that he might be wrong... and that people aren‘t idiots or bad for disagreeing... but then this is part of his illness and I think he cannot he blamed for it.
But for me it is difficult to cope with this.

 

[Ronin]

Does he have anyone he respects that he would talk to, a guy if possible, you could talk to to talk to him to ease up a little? Someone whose opinion he *would* give weight to.

 

[NaeNae75]

he thinks I must be stupid or bad or both to have the opinion that I do have... and then he tells me that I do not care about my children... that I am a Bad person or otherwise i would agree with him.

I think it is not possible for him to look at his opinion and see that most people do not share it (and their kids are still alive) and that he might be wrong... and that people aren‘t idiots or bad for disagreeing... but then this is part of his illness and I think he cannot he blamed for it.

This is borderline abusive...and yes, the responsibility of his actions so fall to him. If he were hitting you, would you say those things? PTSD does not prevent a person from growing. It can make some things difficult to let go of, but not impossible. This is some massively controlling behavior.
My dad gets like this sometimes. The foremost authority of everything living in the land of "because I said so". I've learned to tell him, "Well you can do things you're way and I'm going to do them my way. You see, that's the beauty of living in the US that you fought so hard for. We all have the right to our own opinions. I respect you can have yours, but I won't let you disrespect me by letting you force yours on me... you raised me better than that, remember. Besides, maybe so...maybe people need to learn for themselves. "
Other times I tell him I'm an adult and I have earned my own opinion and if he's not doing to stop harping on me, I'm going to discontinue the conversation and we can talk later.
Do either of you see a therapist? If so, bring it up and find a compromise perhaps. Unless you don't want to compromise. You're within your right for that too, especially if they're your children.

But PTSD isn't an excuse to be a bully.

 

[Freida]

no no no.... He doesn't get to be an ass just because he thinks his rules are broken. I think yelling at him was entirely appropriate. Think of it this way -- if he didn't have ptsd how would you have responded? Abuse is abuse no matter who or why it happens. He might need a reality check on how he is treating the people around him because paranoia or not he still needs to live in the world. Which means accepting people will have different priorities than he does.