Connections to others

[ILoveLife]

The theme lately in therapy is to how connect to others in meaningful ways.

I've been known not to choose the best of people to have around. Not their fault really, but they are usually people who also can't form meaningful healthy connections and I end up in awkward positions. I think they're just not the best people - for me to have in my life, not that as Person they aren't okay.
It does take two to tango, and due to a lot of reasons I've been dropping here and there, I'm also a part of not being able to form that meaningful connection.

One thing I noticed in people (friends, family, acquaintances) is that there are genuinely very few meaningful connections. Even inside friends' groups, people I knew were generally closed to talking about their feelings and issues, afraid to show weakness or whatever.
This issue spans out through different generations.
For instances, one group of friends is very intrusive in asking questions about my mental health (in a judgy way), another is ashamed of it so it doesn't even come up. So I'm "Mental Health Issues" label girl in my current circles, and that's really not who I am.

So I close myself to anyone and everyone and T says my goal now should be to connect to others so I can connect to myself and move on from past mechanisms. I really don't know how to do that.

I'm not a spiritual person, and there's a lot of spiritual communities around (Buddhist, yogis, meditation circles) that would be cool to participate if I were more open minded about that stuff, which I'm not and don't intend to be.
T talked about me joining a hiking group, I've been looking around but folks are really much older and I'd rather form meaningful connections to people around my age - not that it isn't okay to have older friends, but I think it would really be best for me to find healthy age appropriate people to have around, since my experience with people my age revolved around the use of drugs and drinking to oblivion. The drinking I'm sort ok with, depending on the oblivion, but the drugs I really don't accept around me.

University will have a few events that will be cool in terms of getting to know folks, I'm sure. The people I like best in the classes live far away and won't be attending, but I'm willing to meet new ones that maybe aren't as participative.

I can meet people if I start hanging out with people more, I go to bed way too early and don't always have the best availability to meet folks, I've been focusing so much on cutting off unhealthy relationships that I ended up isolated and it sucks.
It's really not easy to make friends as an adult, people have all sorts of habits and quirks that I don't want around myself.

Maybe I'm the judgy one.
Is it too much to ask for healthy though? Maybe not.

Option B would be to accept my isolation and learn how to live with it.

Any thoughts?
Thank you!

 

[grit]

Deleted a long post about nothing. I do not want to distract from your post. I apologize.

 

[ILoveLife]

That's a lot of assumptions, grit.

 

[grit]

You are absolutely right. What works for me may not work for you or anyone else. I will actually try to delete it so it is no longer hanging over your post.

regardless I truly hope you find way to connect with people.

 

[ILoveLife]

I usually agree with the "part of yourself" thing, just doesn't represent the real reality of things. I don't really like to talk about other people's personal lives behind their backs, just know I was sucked into a vortex of really bad situations and helped and helped and helped until I was no longer useful to that person. So, I don't think that my usefulness in other people's lives represents true friendship or connection, and backed away.

Question here is that I'm feeling lonely and abandoned by everyone, and I'm not particularly a very difficult person to hang around with. I just don't think I picked the right people to be around me, even though I was right for them in a particular moment in their lives.

And no need to apologize, all is well :)

 

[littleoc]

If you are judgey in cutting off friendships, it seems to me that you’re picking traits that you need to cut out. Which means that it’s probably a healthy judgey.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to accept isolation either. It might be as simple as you feel warn down by current events and it’s making it harder to connect to people. Would you feel comfortable inviting people over in the current place you live? Is it a lot of work to go in and out of where you live?

I’m trying to think of where I got my healthy friends, and it seems to be that we had similar interests and showed up in the same places over and over until we knew each other well. Boundaries and respect was established early on, and people who didn’t show respect were booted.

I hope this is at least a little helpful. You definitely deserve friends. Knowing that may help you as well

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @littleoc

Would you feel comfortable inviting people over in the current place you live?

I have and I do, but the question of time is always an issue. And right now the other issue is basically invite who?

Is it a lot of work to go in and out of where you live?

Not really, very good transportation to everywhere either around 2 corners or right at my door.

showed up in the same places over and over

Yep. I'm just wondering where to go.

 

[Friday]

:wtf: I’m being very chatty at the moment. Apologies. Usually I could concise this up a bit.

since my experience with people my age revolved around the use of drugs and drinking to oblivion.

This is probably going to be one hard point to move past / learn to reframe.

People getting high together share waaaaaaaaay more than people who are sober together, or even people drinking together. Because, first off, drugs and alcohol move (or remove) inhibitions / boundaries... and secondly it’s part of the subculture (worldwide... and my suspicion about that is what leads people to get high in the first place have common themes, but that’s just my own experience and observation). It creates a false level of intimacy, more often than not, but the expectation is still often there of “this is what Connection feels like”.

You’ve been clean for 4 years, if I’m remembering right? So you’ve had some solid experience in the “superficial” way most people connect.

That’s not actually a bad thing, altogether? Although it can feel like that, sometimes. It’s one of those -this is a healthy world, and a healthy life, and there’s time to come to know people, and a busy life to lead that does NOT depend on everyone working together, whether they like/love/dislike/despise each other individually- kind of deal. The thing about drugs, is that it creates a chemical state of ongoing emergency. So unlike people banding together during true emergencies people blow in and out of each other’s lives, but the times they are there? Tend to be fairly intense.

***

There ARE deeper levels of connection possible with people. They simply won’t happen with most people. Most people, even those you interact with daily, even live with, aren’t going to go as “deep” as 2 strangers getting high will in the first 5 minutes. (Or 2 people 5 seconds into fighting together, or pulling people out of a collapsed building, or running from zombies, kind of thing). We’re wired to connect to others in an emergency. Outside of that? It’s a much, much slower process. If it happens at all. And, again, with most people it won’t.

***

To get to those different levels, I think you’re absolutely on the money about whom your choosing to have in your life, in the first place.

The ability AND desire to, both have to be there. If you’re choosing people who are missing one or both? It creates a safe distance. Which is a super valuable thing to have when you’re learning how to live your own life outside of a state of emergency (real -like trauma- or chemical).

But it’s got inherent drawbacks. Because once you’ve gotten to the space where you are solid in your own life, and want to connect on a more (real is the wrong word, surface relationships are still real) intimate/yet/independent basis? Those people who were safe practice aren’t usually growing with you at the same rate. Which, like your T says, means finding new people... who are also looking to connect with others... via shared interest & experience.

IMO/IME Age matters less than cohort group. Meaning the group of people who are doing the same things in LIFE that you are. As an example, new moms in their 20s / 30s / 40s all tend to get on just fine with each other but struggle with people without kids or with older kids... because they’re facing the same sorts of life challenges as new moms, but struggle to be understood by friends without kids. Ditto single people, married people, divorced people, traveling people, military people, student people, etc. SOMETHING life-wise & timing-wise makes what you (and they) are doing... normal. Then you add interest & personality. Which will correlate more with age. But it comes a very distant second/third to what’s “normal”.

***

So I have to 2nd the hiking group(s). Just to get started. Even if everyone there is retired and in a totally different age AND cohort group. Because it’s a different kind of practice.

It’s not making friends with people who are “safe” because they’re not interested in deeper levels of connection... but it still creates a bit of a buffer zone (you’re not likely to meet your best friends there, although you may) because whilst they’re looking to get together with others? And have shared interest? They’re going to mostly be outside your cohort. So it’s moving you closer to finding people who ARE looking for deeper connection, AND shared interest, AND you click with age/personality/cohort wise.

Baby steps. Moving you in the direction you want to be moving in.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @Friday

This is probably going to be one hard point to move past / learn to reframe.

Yep. As soon as I read you wrote that I knew what was coming after, it clicked.
It was my only form of socialization since I was 13 (before that do we really socialize or are still learning how to socialize, really?).
So it's easier for me to think of connection first (like it happens in groups of drug using) and relationship later, when this:

this is a healthy world, and a healthy life, and there’s time to come to know people, and a busy life to lead that does NOT depend on everyone working together, whether they like/love/dislike/despise each other individually- kind of deal. The thing about drugs, is that it creates a chemical state of ongoing emergency. So unlike people banding together during true emergencies people blow in and out of each other’s lives, but the times they are there? Tend to be fairly intense.

... is the actual reality of things.

is a super valuable thing to have when you’re learning how to live your own life outside of a state of emergency

It's really difficult still, I'm almost 3 months out on not resourcing to alcohol to be able to socialize. In the meanwhile I haven't had a group socialization experience yet, it will happen over Christmas (which is trigger booze season for me). So I'm kinda still getting to know my steps.

I have to 2nd the hiking group(s)

Agree. Actually found one that has all ages, from kids to elderly and in between people around my age.
They meet every weekend, it's really cheap, just need to find a ride to meet them but I guess I can ask if anyone's coming from here.

Baby steps.

Yes, baby steps.
Thank you!

 

[littleoc]

I thought this might be useful for curious eyes

Learn How to Make Friends As An Adult Using These 5 Steps

 

[Abstract]

Finding a new way of interacting past so many old things is certainly a process and it sounds like you are onto it. Addiction - past that and avoiding vulnerable situations. Avoiding people who cant be in reciprocal relationships. Either over involved and controlling or under involved. Unhealthy people do tend to flock together so no wonder there arent many healthy examples surrounding your family.

I agree judgy can be good. Maybe you dont have to do this all in one swoop and can rather do little bits as you identify the right situations and people. It sounds like you need new hobbies or opportunities to meet new people/groups. Good job identitying what you no longer want.

 

[ILoveLife]

I thought this might be useful for curious eyes

Thanks! That is helpful :D

And thanks @Abstract