How do you even begin to explain to others how PTSD feels?

[InsertCoinsHere]

Earlier I was having quite severe tremors, I was simply overwhelmed.. I began to shake violently all over as a result of stress and then got angry afterwards..

My partner attempted to passively understand but I couldn’t help but feel offended to statements such as:

‘Your off work how come your overwhelmed?’
‘are you getting just lots of thoughts?’
‘Are you mad at me?’

All the while I’m shaking my tail off.

I find it really offensive when somebody clearly sees I’m struggling everyday... and I’m met with such passive interest in what I’m suffering with.

Not once has my partner truly educated herself on PTSD.. I’ve tried but she just goes quiet and appears lost. I’m not sure she really wants to know..

How do I describe this condition to a person that hasn’t experienced it? It’s so much more than just intrusive thoughts.. I simply don’t know where to begin... and it’s unique to each individual due to the personal triggers and such.. PTSD is as much psychological as it is physical I don’t know how to explain it to another so they can understand why things can be so turbulent and irrational. I feel my illness isn’t being taken seriously and as a result I feel invalidated.

How did you educate partners, friends, family? Do you have any metaphors or phrases that give others a sense of what CPTSD entails? Thanks.

 

[Friday]

How do I describe this condition to a person that hasn’t experienced it?

I relate it to the stomach flu, an awful lot.

Because everyone has had that.

And it would be INSANE to be asking someone why they’re sweating, shaking and puking since they’re off work? Or just thinking pukey thoughts (stop that). Or because you’re mad at them. Etc.

Ditto... it’s not like next week’s plans make a nickel’s worth of sense (nor can be discussed right now!) whilst you’re puking into the toilet. Sorry, I’m busy heaving my guts out. We’ll talk calendars when I can -retching hurl- think -dry heave- beyond the next - wait, no I’m fine... no I’m not!!!- 6 seconds.

PTSD is all normal stuff, really. People just relate it to the wrong things, like being scared instead of being sick. Scared? Pfft. Easy to deal with. Sick? totally different ball game. And whether brain fog from the flu, or PTSD (I can’t think my way out of a wet paper sack, right now), or limited energy from the flu, or PTSD (I can go to work but not socialise, or socialise but not clean the house, or I can maaaaybe get up to pee but not to cook Zzzzzzz), etc.? Really makes little difference.

 

[shimmerz]

For me it is more like a board game. Clue. Because I wander around all day long looking for clues as to whether it was Mrs. White in the boardroom that triggered the shit out of me or Mr. Green in the study. And the more I try to figure it out the more overwhelmed I get. And the more overwhelmed I get the more suspects come to the forefront.

So leave me alone until I figure out who the culprit was and perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. Until that time don't throw fuel onto the smoking brush or it will look like a meteor crashed into our house. In the meanwhile, rather than ask me what it is (remember? I am still playing Clue) use google if you have questions.

 

[blackemerald1]

Not once has my partner truly educated herself on PTSD.. I’ve tried but she just goes quiet and appears lost. I’m not sure she really wants to know..

^^She probably is feeling lost and helpless. You know the monster ptsd is and it's getting the better of you so take a moment to see it from her perspective. It is extraordinarily hard to understand.

Also this is her partner (you) who is suffering not the neighbour three doors down. You don't get to walk away for even one day and rest and recuperate and neither does she! Many people do not deal well with their partner suffering so much, for so long - at all well. No matter how much they want it to stop - they just don't know how and this lends itself to feeling helpless.

Worse still... she may actually realise she is completely out of her depth and cannot make it better for you.

Have you ever sat down when you are not so unwell or reactive and said...

This is what you could ask when I am........
When I am like this....... the best thing you could do is............... or................ or......................
When I feel so sick that I cannot describe how I am feeling to you - this is what I am feeling..............................

And for a better understanding of how she is understanding you....

How do you feel about ptsd.........................
What does it make you feel like when I am so sick...........................
What would you like to do to feel less alone in this with me......................

etc.,

I think she does want to know and her attempts at finding the root cause of what has made you unwell right now are being met by the typical ptsd response. I have thought and said those things myself!! Yes it sounds clumsy and inadequate and for you, in that moment, it likely is. But that's not all her fault.

She doesn't have a psych background does she? She will never respond like your T or psydoc because she's a partner in your life not just ptsd. You are not her patient. She probably has a wide area of responsibilities that you are aware of that she competently deals with for herself and you.

A passive response to me would be seeing you struggling and not asking you anything at all!

I find it really offensive when somebody clearly sees I’m struggling everyday... and I’m met with such passive interest in what I’m suffering with.

Wow - on the one hand you say that your ptsd is so big - you are struggling to control, keep a handle on it and understand it.

On the other hand you require your partner to get it, understand it and respond appropriately according to your ptsd. That's a tall order! Can you see this?

Being normal or non ptsd doesn't equip one with the capacity to understand ptsd. Loving someone doesn't equip one with the capacity to understand ptsd.

I feel my illness isn’t being taken seriously and as a result I feel invalidated.

It's not up to anyone else except you to take your ptsd seriously. Well ok you should expect a serious response from medical and psych professionals who are required to help you sure.... Your partner hasn't told you she does not believe you has she? What is she really doing that leads you to this conclusion?

What would being taken seriously look like to you? In real and practical terms?

It's not up to your partner to validate your feelings constantly either. If you had a broken leg that never mended would you expect her to be constantly validating the notion that your leg was broken? That's probably not the best example but do you get what I am suggesting?

How did you educate partners, friends, family?

By communicating and being grateful and feeling blessed that you actually have a partner, friends or family and they are even remotely interested in your ongoing, never ending nightmare of a condition (ptsd) - that has turned you from being a normal person (whatever that is) into a minefield of uncertainties etc.

Remember that whilst I know that you did not decide to have ptsd your partner probably didn't knowingly sign up for it either.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do your research.

Find online articles about PTSD (here, elsewhere).

Send her the links.

(This is like a flow chart.)

Does she read the articles?

Yes? GREAT! Ask her if she has any questions. Ask her if she understands more.

No? EGADS! If she refuses to read articles, then face the fact that she doesn’t give a damn about your PTSD. (Really, if someone won’t even READ something you serve them on a silver platter, they don’t actually care about you.)

Then the choice is up to you.

Do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t care enough to read articles?

Yes? Suck it up and accept that she will never understand ptsd in the least. Things with her will likely never change in this realm.

No? Dump her and find someone who does give a damn.

Really, finding articles that pertain to you is the easiest way to do this because someone else has already explained things, most likely in more detail than you ever could.

 

[Abstract]

I think the stress cup analogy is a good one to start with. If she is a bit lazy avoidant disinterested I would feed it to her little by little chunk by chunk. Starting stress cup then maybe something about relving. Hard one that to explain ever.
What about a symptom dictionary for her. Shaking = my body is in shock and I can't think or function. etec...

 

[bellbird]

For me, I use 3 things to explain to others how PTSD feels:

1. "it feels like my brain has malfunctioned".
Which is the simplest way I can describe how it actually feels for me.
Because essentially that has happened.
Compared with how my "normal" brain was functioning pre-PTSD, my brain now is malfunctioning.
This is supported by a number of peer reviewed papers including: Brain circuit dysfunction in post-traumatic stress disorder: from mouse to man
Which then opens the door to more indepth discussions about how the condition affects me, if that is useful for the both of us.

2. The Stress Cup analogy
Which is useful for explaining why small stressors are so much more impactful for me, than someone without PTSD.

3. Comparisons to conditions that the person has experienced, as @Friday described above.

 

[ImSad]

My partner reacts similarly. When I get symptomatic, she will always ask if I’m mad at her or hate her. That always gets under my skin because it feels like an incredibly selfish question to ask when I’m clearly struggling. And, she’s getting better at this one, but when it comes to sex and all my triggers there it was bad for a while. When I get triggered with sex stuff it typically leads me to freezing (much like during the actual assault) and I stop responding to her gestures, because inside i’m terrified. She takes it personally, which I understand why she would on the surface. But I have had to explain over and over again that it’s the ptsd, not that I’m not attracted to her. It is exhausting and painful to have to explain my trauma over and over and over again.

What’s helped me a little is what some of the people in this thread have already said. Really putting myself in her shoes and seeing how I may react if she displayed some of these behaviors and I didn’t understand the full context of them. It’s still frustrating, but it dials down the resentment a whole lot.

There are tons of great suggestions here that I haven’t thought of before and will definitely try implementing.

Just know you are not alone in these feelings.

 

[here2help]

If they don't want to learn they won't. But don't let that bother you so much. We can't control what people do. Rather, let's work on ourselves. Have you seen a professional about your PTSD?

 

[New]

@InsertCoinsHere Glad you created this thread. Me and my husband are struggling with this.

I’ve tried and tried to explain and show articles and even give advice from my therapist.

The fact is it still confuses him. It still confuses me. Probably you too. That’s why we are in therapy. Right? Trying to figure it all out so we can cope.

I really think if your partner is open to going to therapy or group therapy for supporters that would be a huge help. This is the latest advice I have been given and am hoping my husband is able to do this.

 

[MyWillow]

I don’t explain what it feels like but what I NEED.

Even if it’s a text saying: rough day/T session, need to sleep, please feed dogs/cats/me, don’t shit me (lol).

Sometimes I’ll say “I need to tell you something and I need you to not walk away or get distracted (triggering), not hug me or be upset because the only way I can tell you this is with zero emotion”.

Tonight was: “Stressful day at work is overloading me so my only solution is to be busy: trained dogs, potted seedlings, watered garden, packed up dog treats, organised stuff with neighbour, fed cats, fed dogs....” so he gets why I’m running around non stop instead of relaxing after work.

It’s working better than me trying to get him to understand.

 

[New]

@MyWillow my husband use to be so great at all of that.

However, I think he is at a point where he is struggling with it all. I just had or am going through a big trauma Anniversary.

He was out of town for work for several weeks so I acted like everything at home was perfect. His line of work can be dangerous so he can’t be away worried about me. I honestly was so proud of myself for fooling him and once he got home he was glad he didn’t know.

But now that he’s home we have been struggling. He’s been home for a few weeks but he doesn’t seem to care anymore. I have a T appointment tomorrow thank goodness.

Any advice?