Having frightening experiences in a safe place is a strange part of having a good psydoc.
I turned up yesterday having had several flashbacks during the week that were all unintentionally triggered by my partner. My normal ability to “present well” could not conceal the feeling that I’d been hit by a bus. My psydoc went gently and corrected some of my thinking. Yes whilst I possibly had overreacted to the present I hadn’t “overreacted” given my past. That was a helpful way of reframing and softening the self-talk. I noted that I was so wired this week that I failed to feel muscle pain during a Pilates class and could barely walk the next day. She said it’s likely that’s not the first time.
My psydoc wants me to take some leave from work. 3 months is her ideal but gets that she is dreaming lol and said 3 weeks at a minimum. She said I’m heading towards a breakdown. Ignore the signs at my peril.
After 30 min I was actually feeling much better - a bit lighter and she commented that my colour was better too.
I’m not quite sure what we talked about or what happened next but I must have been staring, glazy eyed all of a sudden because she asked me what I needed, if I needed to stand up, always a good sign that I’ve dissociated. I could not think and the next moment I was crying and crying. She reassured me that crying was a good choice, an appropriate response. Unfortunately one word she said triggered the living shit out of me - it was like it was up in neon lights. It took me an age to figure out what was happening but every muscle from head to toe was like a rock, I was shuddering and shaking violently, breathing like I was running and I felt small and young. My psydoc was so calm and accepting, just asked if I could notice my body, reassured me that it was just releasing following a trigger. She kept repeating “you are safe” and that was such a helpful phrase to hook on to. Finally I managed to open and shut my hands and felt for the recent scar that would mean I’m an adult. I felt for my hair but it didn’t feel as long as my adult hair is. I told her I didn’t feel like my adult self and she reassured me I would in time.
She apologised for triggering me and said she was glad she was there. I was glad she was there too. We were at the end of the session so she asked if I needed to sit quietly in a room. She asked me not to drive for a while. I said I’d just go for a walk....my body didn’t like that and the shaking and tears started. So I said yes maybe I needed to sit for a while. Her office is in specialist suites so she organised the room next door - said she was free in an hour if I needed to talk, I could stay as long as I liked and leave whenever I wanted to. One of the receptionists brought me iced water and a blanket and hot tea. It took about an hour for the shaking to stop so I just sat until it passed. When I finally went out to pay my psydoc was there to touch base. I think it says something that I wasn’t filled with shame like I normally would be.
I’ve pretty much slept the last 24 hours. I’m not fighting the exhaustion but rolling with it. Again that’s novel.
She called last night and left a message saying I was free to call her as needed and she hoped I was resting. I only just saw the message because clearly I was asleep. She is a good balance of empathy and empowerment.
