Nothing matters

[whiteraven]

I am really struggling with the notion that absolutely nothing makes a difference. Nothing matters. There is one thing that matters to me in my world: my cats. They are the reasons I don't kill myself. But as I drag myself through my days, every single other thing I do or am in contact with screams: It doesn't matter!

I don't know how to get past this. It makes every day more immense effort than anything else. Even "doing" - housework, my job, cleaning the litter box, getting the mail, going to the grocery - leaves me with constant reminders that, in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters.

I have a hard time doing anything I don't have to to get through the day. And this has been ongoing for a very long time. Now that I'm dealing with a lot of physical pain, everything is worse.

I don't know what I need. Maybe just the knowledge that someone gets it.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Do you feel safe right now?

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless right now whiteraven. I sure don't have the answers but I'm in it with you, we are all in it with you. We all slog through that tar field and feel the weight of it build upon us.

Please don't hurt yourself, there is no coming back from that decision. We can learn to think and live just a little differently and with time and practice learn to find center again. You can get through this.

You matter.

 

[whiteraven]

Do you feel safe right now?

You matter.

Thank you, @MrMoonlight. I feel/am safe in terms of self-harm. No plans for that. But I feel unsafe in all other ways, all the time.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm relieved to know you feel safe right now @whiteraven . I guess distraction isn't a good long-term solution but it's really helpful to me during times like this. A good movie or music, reading, grounding exercises or meditation..etc. Netflix is a favorite.

The times where you don't feel safe, do you talk with a therapist about that?

 

[whiteraven]

I guess distraction isn't a good long-term solution but it's really helpful to me during times like this. A good movie or music, reading, grounding exercises or meditation..etc. Netflix is a favorite.

Yeah, that used to work for me. What happens now is everything I do - generally and as a matter of distraction - triggers something that reminds me that nothing matters. If I watch something on television, I'm reminded I didn't follow my own dreams and so none of this matters. If I play with my cats, I'm reminded that one is 15 and I lose sight of all the years we've had. Mindfulness practice is the only thing that has helped me in the past and I try but it seems pointless.

The times where you don't feel safe, do you talk with a therapist about that?

Sometimes. Haven't had therapy in like,...a month or more, so it's been awhile. One of the reasons I'm feeling alone.

 

[Starfire]

I don't know what I need. Maybe just the knowledge that someone gets it.[/QUOTE]

So very familiar. My dogs have saved me so many times. Cuz I remind myself that it matters to them that they eat on time or get brushed or play a few minutes of frisbee. Or even littler things like they have a clean blanket to sleep on. May not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but in their world it's big.

 

[grit]

Maybe the mask is taken off and you are finally realizing the real world and that it is just humdrum! trauma sometimes keep us in the hot seat so long that the reality can look so darn boring. That is my take because you are not hurting or harming or feeling unsafe.

but I could be wrong. It could be just realization we are all alone and little sad.

 

[erigby]

I get it.
Overcoming those thoughts - "nothing matters" and getting on with doing things that would move me away from my depressed state...one of the hardest things I have ever done...ever.
You do matter. To a lot of people. People you may not even be aware of. People here on this forum.
How you interact in the world matters. It all matters.
I am grateful to hear you feel safe. I hope you will consider returning to therapy.
You are important. Your life is important.

 

[bellbird]

First off: you are very important @whiteraven , and I'm very glad you are here and talking to us.

I suppose the answer to the question "does anything matter?" differs depending on what way you want to look at the question.

On the one hand, it can seem like nothing matters.
Our best estimate of the age of the Universe is 13.8 billion years.
Our best estimate of its size? Infinite, or finite but very very very big.

How can anything feel important or significant on scales of those magnitudes?

But on the other hand, wow.

In a Universe of that size, and that has been around for that length of time, there has been an uninterrupted chain of events stretching back for billions of years that have led to you.

And separate, although sometimes merged, chains that have led to each of your cats.

And we get 70, 80, maybe 100 years of time if we are lucky, to leave our footprints on this Universe. To make the lives of others (cats included ?) better, or to give the generations to come a better future.

Or to just make the very best of this blip of time that we each get to live.
In that sense, everything matters.

 

[whiteraven]

I hope you will consider returning to therapy.

It was not me that decided not to go. He's been too busy to see me and didn't tell me till the last minute.
I will go back next month.