Seeking insight on coming out of Isolation

[zombycat]

@Moonchild 72 - I don't know if you'll read this, but I'm sending wishes of wellness and happy thoughts your way. I firmly believe that a relationship with any person, regardless of mental health issues or other challenges, can only work if both people are invested in making it work. I have never experienced the need to disappear long-term, so I can't offer any insight as to whether what he's doing is ghosting or straight up cowardice and douchebaggery. Either way, it's severely affecting your own well-being. I think you're doing the best thing for you by drawing your line in the sand, and taking care of yourself first. I hope things get better for you and that future happiness awaits.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry it ended liked this but happy you are taking a stand and doing what's best for you. :hug:

 

[Moonchild 72]

@Moonchild 72 - I don't know if you'll read this, but I'm sending wishes of wellness and happy thoughts your way. I firmly believe that a relationship with any person, regardless of mental health issues or other challenges, can only work if both people are invested in making it work. I have never experienced the need to disappear long-term, so I can't offer any insight as to whether what he's doing is ghosting or straight up cowardice and douchebaggery. Either way, it's severely affecting your own well-being. I think you're doing the best thing for you by drawing your line in the sand, and taking care of yourself first. I hope things get better for you and that future happiness awaits.

Thank you for the well wishes I completely agree that both need to be invested to make it work. I really believed that we had a fighting chance until this episode "took him". I believe with all my heart that he's in a very dark place and probably thinking very irrationally right now in his last messages his self loathing was overwhelming, but I still cannot excuse this behavior regardless of the circumstances. And I'm terrified when he pulls out of this he may try to return to me. I think he has too many issues to overcome before he can maintain any sort of healthy loving relationship and for my own survival I cannot go down with him. It would kill me. All I want if for him to contact me and tell me it was all just a bad dream but I know that is not the reality of the situation. ?

I'm so sorry it ended liked this but happy you are taking a stand and doing what's best for you. :hug:

Thank you Freida, I guess I don't have much choice at this point. Supporting him through his depression, isolation, ptsd that I was absolutely willing to do. It's what brought me here in the first place so that I could be the best supporter possible for him. But if he felt the need to reconnect with this crazy ex I cannot be a part of that drama, again my own survival depends on it. Although I do not suffer from ptsd although this has been quite traumatic for me, I do have my own severe anxiety disorder which has been affected. I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown but I know this too shall pass in time. Thank you for the hugs back atcha!!

 

[Mumo]

I'm sorry to hear all of this. Two things, 1st I'm feverish and very sick and 2nd I'm a Pollyanna, but she seems like very bad news. Would you still consider listening to his side of the story? Not saying you should consider any toxic relationship, but you were friends for a long time. If he offered to tell you his side, would you be open to hearing him out?

 

[Mumo]

The bottom line is though, that you do need to take care of yourself, and even if there were reasonable explanations 2 things, you still might not want to be in a relationship with someone that has this type of toxicity around him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t be too quick to blame the PTSD for his infidelity... it’s a trap a lot of supporters fall into. Poor baby isn’t in his right mind, he’s being self destructive, etc...

PTSD doesn’t make somebody cheat on their partner. It’s not a symptom. PTSD makes them feel like crap, but how they deal with those feelings is a choice.

 

[zombycat]

PTSD makes them feel like crap, but how they deal with those feelings is a choice.

Hitting the like button once is not enough approval of this. There is a saying in my family:
Poor circumstances do not excuse poor behavior.

 

[Moonchild 72]

I'm sorry to hear all of this. Two things, 1st I'm feverish and very sick and 2nd I'm a Pollyanna, but she seems like very bad news. Would you still consider listening to his side of the story? Not saying you should consider any toxic relationship, but you were friends for a long time. If he offered to tell you his side, would you be open to hearing him out?

I'm so sorry to hear your sick I hope you feel better soon! And thank you for taking the time to reply not feeling well.
I would absolutely consider listening to his side of the story. But at this point I've said my peace and will not be reaching out again. I already feel like any attempt on my part to communicate has been ignored both literally as well as in his replies which have not acknowledged any of the support or love I've offered. When I received the messages from the ex I took screenshots and sent them to him not accusing but simply said "who is this? and is it true?" He did not respond. I would have thought if there were a reasonable explanation or no guilt he would be quick to respond to defend himself and that's where things get blurry to me because if he's shut me out would he continue to ignore something like this? He shut me out for 5 weeks when he sent me a message last Thurs (again after 5 weeks of no contact) I could not reply for one hour because I was in my boxing class. within that hour he messaged again saying "No response says it all goodby baby" really??? I don't hear from you for 5 weeks and you can't even give me an hour not to mention I still needed to process what he sent me. In his initial message he completely disregarded any of the support I had been trying to offer him basically saying I didnt even care that he was going through a serious depression that he's felt he wasn't good enough for me that he was making me unhappy and that he thought we had something good and he ruined it. Now I think perhaps this was guilt because he sent it the night she supposedly told me they were together. Maybe I don't know what I'm dealing with here? He seemed to be so irrational in his thinking which I equated to the episode. Could this be part of some kind of disassociation? The last I heard from him before the messages I received from the ex were him saying he was lost, didnt feel like himself, he was really not well. He's free to reach out I'm here I don't know what else I could possibly do...

Don’t be too quick to blame the PTSD for his infidelity... it’s a trap a lot of supporters fall into. Poor baby isn’t in his right mind, he’s being self destructive, etc...

PTSD doesn’t make somebody cheat on their partner. It’s not a symptom. PTSD makes them feel like crap, but how they deal with those feelings is a choice.

Yes @Sweetpea76 you are absolutely right, I am not blaming the ptsd for infidelity (although not confirmed I still feel he had some contact with with the ex) he's a 47 year old man that needs to take responsibility for his choices. I do understand that sometimes with mental health and especially depression when you feel very low about yourself you may become more impulsive and look to seek validation in any possible way you can I've even heard that sometimes sufferers can engage in risky or reckless behavior just to feel something, anything? It's baffling because his actions seemed to contradict his words which contradict his behavior. My heads spinning with all that's transpired in the last 48 hours and it does not make things any less painful. I just need to stop worrying about what he may or may not be going through and make my pain stop.

 

[Moonchild 72]

Hitting the like button once is not enough approval of this. There is a saying in my family:
Poor circumstances do not excuse poor behavior.

YES I agree 100%!!!

 

[Freida]

PTSD doesn’t make somebody cheat on their partner. It’s not a symptom. PTSD makes them feel like crap, but how they deal with those feelings is a choice.

yep. there are plenty of us on here who have never cheated on our other halves. But that may be the difference. We are HERE. On this forum. Taking responsibility for our own recovery and reaching out for help. We are doing the work -- even though it totally sucks.
Do we take out our drama on our supporters some times? Yep. But we don't use ptsd as an excuse and expect to get a free pass. We get our asses back into therapy and try to not do it again.

Hes 47? It's time for him to grow up and become accountable for his own future.

Hopefully you will find someone in the future who can appreciates all you have to offer - because you are fabulous. And you deserve someone who understands that.

 

[Moonchild 72]

@Freida Thank you and yes you are absolutely right, you have to put in the work for your own recovery and no matter what the circumstances be held accountable for your actions and suffer the consequences of choices made. I think 18+ years of untreated ptsd along with multiple traumas just finally got the best of him, and his world closed in on him. I do hope that he can recover because I do not want to have any Ill wishes towards him however, whether or not he seeks help for himself can no longer be my concern, I have to learn to accept this and move on and heal for myself. Reading all the struggles that the sufferers deal with here, I know he has years of work ahead of him and I also can't be a part of the crazy ex drama that he's connected with. Hopefully this has forced him to finally seek help so that something postive could at least come of it. I had a therapy session with a new therapist last night which I absolutely LOVE!!! In one session she's already given me so much to think about and I'm pretty confident she will be able to help me.