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Seeking insight on coming out of Isolation

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his last text to me was on Thanksgiving telling me he felt like he was going through a depression, that he was sick with a cold, stressing about us, working a lot, needing time to himself and hasn’t felt like hanging out.
Well, three weeks ago he said he was sick with a cold. If he had the flu that could take two weeks to start feeling better. And then work, and his stress.
I can not tell you how many times I needed to be left alone but well-meaning people who didn't understand my boundaries shanghaied me to go do this, that or the other thing. I was not comfortable. I was not happy. All I wanted was to retreat to my safe space, but let me tell you something. A lot of us sufferers can wear happy masks like a pro. It becomes automatic, after a while.

Yep...drives me crazy

I think you're at the point where it's time to talk to him about what's going on

Sure, why not... :) ask him about his cold, if his brother enjoyed his birthday, the weather, tell him a joke...break the ice. Maybe he doesn't quite know how to go about it, maybe he'll be grateful.
 
I can not tell you how many times I needed to be left alone but well-meaning people who didn't understand my boundaries shanghaied me to go do this, that or the other thing. I was not comfortable. I was not happy. All I wanted was to retreat to my safe space, but let me tell you something. A lot of us sufferers can wear happy masks like a pro. It becomes automatic, after a while.
Yes!!!! this!!!! A lot of my therapy is about how to get down the facade I so carefully placed over years and years. I can't even imagine a life without it - because it what keeps me able to interact with others. The problem is getting it down when I'm with people I want to be "real" with
He's the person I want to run the farthest from. I never want to leave him, but sometimes I can't bear that he looks at me and he sees me. The real me- every damaged, broken, ugly bit. He's my mirror, and sometimes I can't stand to see my own reflection.
Yep. Yep. YEP.
I don't want ANYONE seeing that side of me -- not even someone I love more than anyone in the world.
 
The problem is getting it down when I'm with people I want to be "real" with
So much of this. I think a big part of my friends issue is that I often don't let them know when I'm struggling, and then the cognitive distortions set in and suddenly I'm in this narrative where if they're not mind readers who magically know all the right things to do it say to make me (me, me, me, me, me) feel better then just must not care about me at all.
 
So much of this. I think a big part of my friends issue is that I often don't let them know when I'm struggling, and then the cognitive distortions set in and suddenly I'm in this narrative where if they're not mind readers who magically know all the right things to do it say to make me (me, me, me, me, me) feel better then just must not care about me at all.
Yep!!!!!!! they just can't win :laugh:
 
Try to keep one more thing in mind through this. I don't know him or what he's like, and I don't know you, but I do know that my biggest supporter? The one who stands by me through everything? He's the one who I can't hide from. He's the one who sees through my happy mask when no one else can, and when I want to run? He's the person I want to run the farthest from. I never want to leave him, but sometimes I can't bear that he looks at me and he sees me. The real me- every damaged, broken, ugly bit. He's my mirror, and sometimes I can't stand to see my own reflection.

Thank you! Hearing from other sufferers has been so helpful especially when we can't decipher what is happening in our own sufferes mind even with each individual unique circumstance they all seem to circle back to the same behaviors and how it reflects upon the supporter. My boyfriend is very private so I honestly don't know how much of what he struggles with his family and friends are aware of. His battle buddies I'm sure is a different story but I have no idea if he's been in contact with any of them for support (I can only hope) I feel like his biggest supporter. He's confided so much in me telling me that these are things he's never told anyone, which I believe. I'm just sure hes ready to face things demons by himself let alone with me. And the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.


Girl. Same. Hugs if you’ll take ‘em. I don’t know up from down these days. Maybe no contact is a blessing... when I do get to talk to mine, it’s like talking to an alien. It often just ends up feeling pointless.
Yes I love hugs thank you!! When my boyfriend was having a bad day I would give him a 10 sec hug (that's long enough to start releasing endorphins) It became a little joke where he would do it to me when I was having a bad day and held me so tight while counting to make sure I don't break the hug... a fond little memory ?
I'm sorry for what you are going through also, there's no way around it, it sucks period! Being ignored doesn't feel good no matter who's doing it. Hang in there, I hope things get better for you and know myself or other supporters are here if needed {{{BIG HUGS}}}


Sure, why not... :) ask him about his cold, if his brother enjoyed his birthday, the weather, tell him a joke...break the ice. Maybe he doesn't quite know how to go about it, maybe he'll be grateful.
To be honest I'm terrified! I'm terrified that he'll continue to ignore me which will perpetuate my anxiety levels and possibly push him further away hearing from me or he'll respond negatively and break things off. I know some of this may be my own anxiety and irrational thinking but it is what it is. Every day that passed I try to talk myself out of reaching out telling myself ok maybe this is the day you'll hear from him. I've seen other posts where there's been no contact for weeks or months, but this is the longest we've been without any contact and although I understand this could be typical of being symptomatic it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my mind around.

A lot of my therapy is about how to get down the facade I so carefully placed over years and years. I can't even imagine a life without it - because it what keeps me able to interact with others. The problem is getting it down when I'm with people I want to be "real" with

You are so brave having worked so hard for years and being able to share your struggles here! Unfortunately my boyfriend has never seeked any therapy so I fear and know that should it come to that he will have many years ahead navigating how to cope with his symptoms. As much pain as I am in it is equally painful to know what he is going through. I'm frustrated, I'm hurt and I'm torn because knowing he's ill, I want to have the strength to hold on and be able to support him and then then I'm angry because he won't let me in and my head screams F you and I want to walk away. It's a different kind of struggle ?


So much of this. I think a big part of my friends issue is that I often don't let them know when I'm struggling, and then the cognitive distortions set in and suddenly I'm in this narrative where if they're not mind readers who magically know all the right things to do it say to make me (me, me, me, me, me) feel better then just must not care about me at all.
I actually do get this! In early episodes before I made the ptsd connection after a few days of no contact thinking I was just allowing him to have space if sick, stressed or whatever, I would often get a message like, "Don't you care if we ever talk again?" "Aren't you worried about me?" That's why this time with him telling me he was going through a depression I made sure to let him know I was there for him, that I care for him and love him no matter what. It feels like we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't and at the mercy of whatever the mind is telling you.
 
***update ***
Last night after 5 weeks of being shut out I received a text from my boyfriend. He sent it while I was in my boxing class and I didn't see it til afterwards. Initially he seemed to be projecting some anger saying he told me he was going through a serious depression and I didn't even care that he didn't have a Thanksgiving or Christmas and that he thought we had something good and ruined everything (despite the fact I had reached out several times to offer my love and support didn't seem to have any impact) then when I didn't respond immediately (because I was in class and didn't see the text for an hour) he sent another saying "well I guess no response says it all goodbye baby" It completely blindsided me and I was a shaking mess. I responded that I just got out of boxing class and that I would respond when I got home. I responded letting him know I never have up on him and that I attempted to reach out and when I got no response I ceased contact giving him time to get through whatever he was going through. A few more texts were exchanged with a lot of self loathing telling me what a bad boyfriend hes been and how he felt I Like it was easy for me to throw him away He apologized for being so disconnected and that hes barely spoken to anyone that I was the only one he wanted to talk to but he screwed that up. He then told me he went to the VA and they want to put him on antidepressants for depression and ptsd. (Hallelujah!) its a start and im so proud of him for finally seeking help (I still don't think he fully understands what's happening to him) I let him know that I was here to support him if he'd let me and that he didn't screw anything up even if his mind was telling him otherwise. I told him I'd spent the last several weeks researching all I could about depression and ptsd and had I made the connection sooner I wouldn't have burdened him with any additional stress that I wanted to talk if and when he was ready and that I would respect any time or space he needed. I told him he experienced a lot of trauma that wasn't his fault and that it finally managed to manifest itself. I told him I was happy to hear he seeked help and that it wouldn't be an easy road but his symptoms could be managed. His last text was heartbreaking telling me how he was not well and didn't feel like himself anymore. I left it at that and didn't push for any further communication. At this point I know he's still struggling and in the thick of it. He wasn't himself but I'm happy that he had the strength to reach out to me and go to the VA. My hope is that something I said will resonate with him and that he will take the steps necessary to recover. He knows I'm here and that I want him to feel better and that his wellbeing is important to me. I don't know if or when we'll be able to resume our relationship but im leaving it to him to make further contact at this point. I seeked out another therapist for myself that I hope will be a better fit since she has experience with ptsd. I see her on Wednesday. The emotional roller-coaster is not over. I can't even describe the range of emotions I'm going through, but at least it's a start and I'm eternally grateful for the support I've received here and all the information I've learned to help me become a better supporter for him. (((Hugs to all)))
 
I'm glad you're going to go see someone. It's soooooo difficult. My fella is reaching out more, but dang, it's rough to see him like this. We've been doing this for almost 9 years....it's still tough. Keep one hand on that oxygen mask, and breathe deep!
 
I'm glad you're going to go see someone. It's soooooo difficult. My fella is reaching out more, but dang, it's rough to see him like this. We've been doing this for almost 9 years....it's still tough. Keep one hand on that oxygen mask, and breathe deep!
Thanks I've been doing my best to breathe through this! I applaud you for going through it for 9 years. I can only hope that my relationship survives this. I've only been with my boyfriend for a year and a half but have known him over 20 years so it was friendship first which is what I'm afraid to loose. Since his contact I've now been struggling with asking if he'd be up for some company. Based on what he said if he's going through a major depression even though he's been isolating I've not even attempted to see him and he told me he felt like I didn't care about what he was going through. I'm concerned about whether he's even taking care of himself? In this state, It's so difficult to know what to do or say or what he wants or needs though this. I'm well aware that if I decide to he may say he's not ready or ignore but at least I'll have made an effort.
 
Just know that the roller coaster has just begun.

Therapy can/will make things worse for a time.

The right medication can be elusive, and it can take many tries before finding the right one. Even when you find the right one, getting on the right dose and stabilizing can take a few months+ and be rocky in and of itself.

I’m not trying to scare you. I just want you to know that there are rocky periods yet to come. It won’t be easy.
 
Just know that the roller coaster has just begun.

Therapy can/will make things worse for a time.

The right medication can be elusive, and it can take many tries before finding the right one. Even when you find the right one, getting on the right dose and stabilizing can take a few months+ and be rocky in and of itself.

I’m not trying to scare you. I just want you to know that there are rocky periods yet to come. It won’t be easy.

Thank you @EveHarrington I appreciate your input and I do realize that this is just the beginning. I know he's gone to the VA for help but but bit yet certain if he will accept medication or therapy he only said that they want to put him on antidepressants and pills for ptsd whether or not he's on them is yet unknown to me, but the fact that he had gone in tells me that he may now realize that this is not getting better on its own and he wants to feel better? His wellbeing is what matters the most to me right now because I know he's struggling to feel "like himself" again it's so heartbreaking. ?
 
To all that have replied to my thread and helped me get through this difficult time this will probably be my final update as I have decided to end the relationship.
After his contact last Thursday after 5 weeks of being shut out, I received some messages on fb messenger from whom I believe to be his ex (she made a fake account probably since I blocked her long ago)
He was with her for 4 years prior to me and they had an extremely volatile and very toxic relationship. Of course I had only gotten his side of the story, but I was witness to some of what happened. She drank, became violent, physically and emotionally abused him, Damaged his property several times. When we first began dating and she found out she tracked him down, attacked him, broke his finger and tried to run him over with her car. He had her arrested tried to get a restraining order just so much drama. I went through so much of this drama with him and supported him through the stress of her actions he hated her and after an incident in June kept trying to get the local police to pick her up. Anyway none of that really matters because on Friday (coincidentally the day after he finally contacted me? guilt guilt guilt) I received messages saying that He's a cheating looser scumbag blah blah that he's been F*** her for the last 6 years including last night and that, the when he was sick he was in her bed and she was an idiot to take care of such a looser... I was so blindsided and hurt thinking how/why on earth did he go back to this psycho woman!!!?? Maybe he's addicted to the abuse, maybe he felt so low about himself he felt he deserved the punishment, maybe he was just getting his physical needs met, who knows! I felt it was her trying to continue and ruin his life. I would have called BS too, however the final message I received mentioned her thanking me for gifts and a tshirt that I had gotten my boyfriend from a trip back in April which she said she wore the other night. I can't even wrap my mind around the betrayal regardless of whatever truth there is to any of what she said, this the bottom line is trust has been violated and the only way she would know specifically about these gifts were if he told her so they had been in contact. I know he is genuinely going through something and he is not himself however that does not excuse this behavior and for me once trust is broken I may eventually be able to forgive but I will never forget. He and I had also openly communicated about infidelity and zero tolerance. This has been more painful than my divorce, probably because It all came out of nowhere. Before thanksgiving I had what I thought was an amazing relationship then he's gone. I start to accept what this relationship may be and then this. THIS is just too much.
When I received her messages I immediately forwarded them to him asking who this was and if it were true. I got no reply (not surprised) my holidays were completely ruined and now I'm going into a new year starting over. I sent him a pretty lengthy text last night more for myself than for him. I may never get any closure but I had things I needed to say regardless of what he is going through and hes a grown a** man that still needs to be held accountable for his actions.
I'm having the worst anxiety meltdowns and an appt with a new therapist tonight.
This is a new wound fresh and raw so I know it will take time to recover from. I only hope that if for some reason he tries to return I will be at a place to never allow him back.
This post turned into more of a release so if you've stuck it out til the end thank you for listening to me. (this board has been so very theraputic)
In my text last night I told him I had his back and I would have been willing to stick it all out with him til the end now all is lost and I have to move on.
I commend those who support their partners with ptsd. I only had a glimpse (1.5 yr) with my sufferer and I was willing to do what I could to help him through it. Unfortunately it ended this way. Good luck to all!
 
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