I hate myself!

[FauxLiz]

I wish I knew when it started I seem to have always felt this way. I hate myself when things go well rare as that is but mostly I hate myself every day. I hate the fear and the shame, the embarrassment and isolation and the loneliness that I have spent my life trying to fight through to survive. My daughter told me that I need to move on I have an empty nest I am starting a new phase in my life. But I don't have a life, my children have grown up and will never be returning home, I don't trust myself to be able to do my job any longer and in fact I feel like the cycle is starting over again. I am due for a performance evaluation at work in 10 days and I am terrified of it. My last performance review at my last employer sent me into a suicidal tailspin that included three hospitalizations in 6 months.

My poorly planned and executed trip to visit family over the holidays (my FOO and I have bad history) resulted in me being diagnosed with pneumonia, being bullied by my family for not having made sure I was healthy for a trip they new I never wanted to take. Now I am terrified to do my job to make decision. I am terrified of the outcome of the evaluation and I am struggling with ideation, self harm, self humiliation and I hate who I am, who I will never be, who I could have been if things had been different.

I hate myself I hate being alive and I hate that when I have tried to kill myself in the past I have failed I hate that I don't think I will ever succeed and I will end up living long past any useful life, sicker than I already am, frail, lost stuck alone in some long term care facility because I can't take care of myself and I wasn't wise enough to end my life while I still had control over my life.

I hate knowing that there isn't a better life for me out there. I hate that I abuse myself to continue the cycle when others aren't around and I hate that I can't just successfully find a way to crawl into bed at night and never wake up again.

I know others will call me selfish, say that I don't know what the cost of inter-generational trauma will be for my FOO and my children and they will be right, but I can stop the traumas in my life in my generation and make sure that it ends with me.

 

[Abstract]

There is another option that I know you cant see right now. That you are neck deep in trauma symptoms and that that can change. How you respond tp yourself can change. What is the therapy situation now? You dont deserve all that hatred/. Those that harmed you do.

 

[Mach123]

Well that sucks and I'm really sorry u feel that way. I always felt like that too. I had a now and then experience so I feel somewhat better now meaning now that it's all out. All I can offer is it's not you your talking about it's your trauma. That's what it is and how it works and how it makes you feel. That's not u though. You are something else. The pattern makes everything look like that. That's what it is though it's a pattern of thinking feeling and naturally since you feel like that you know what happens (stuff you don't want.). But you can't feel better when you feel that bad. I hope you feel better. You're talking, that's good. : )

 

[Rani G2]

?

I hate knowing that there isn't a better life for me out there. I hate that I abuse myself to continue the cycle when others aren't around and I hate that I can't just successfully find a way to crawl into bed at night and never wake up again.

@FauxLiz it’s very very tough having these feelings/state of mind.. not having any good advice but wanting to let you know that I can understand.

I hate knowing that there isn't a better life for me out there.

Even if this sounds like sugarcoating, it’s the wave of grief, Fear, terror that has taken over, the mind completely soaked in these waters. This is not trying to argue any reality away, but also being aware that the mind is very powerful when hopelesness sets in.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Abstract the therapy situation sucks.

@Mach123 i am the trauma in my life. It is my fault and that is reality I was never given a chance to be anything but broken and like Humpty Dumpty I can’t be put back together.

@PURUSHA i am grieving but I really don’t know why grief is something that exists because you know of a different existence with someone or something that you no longer have, how can I grieve something I have never known and never will?

 

[Rani G2]

how can I grieve something I have never known and never will?

@FauxLiz
Maybe „How“ is not relevant? Because it’s not an aspect we (I, I can only talk from my point of view, you say it’s different for you) Can Track down intellectualy. Without wanting to slip into a spiritual element I believe (Again, it just sounds true to me) That there is a deeply ingrained longing for us humans to be connected and accepted, that’s not something which we can apprehend cognitively. When our very first experiences as a child is that of being with other human beings/ caregivers who disagrees with our very nature that’s grief which probably cannot be even described. If that earliest experience of „belonging“is damaged then grief comes into surface in many styles.

 

[Lionheart]

Please bear with me a minute...

....Can you ask yourself if hating yourself is a fact or a thinking habit? Could you possibly start looking in the mirror and tell yourself that you Love yourself? If not, why not? Were you really to blame for your current situation? Do you really believe you caused it? Is it really hopeless to try to improve your quality of life? I had to get professional help for my trauma from a trained trauma therapist. Is that something you are doing or would consider doing to help you heal?

I am so sorry that you are going through such difficult and hard times...I am just trying to loosen the idea from your mind that you are at fault and things can't get better, because I believe they can get better for you. Can you separate yourself from the trauma you endured? Can you see that it is not your fault? Can you allow yourself to hope for peace, healing, and happiness?

I went through something very similar to what you are describing in your original post and I didn't believe it would get better either, but it did. All these questions are just me trying to help you so please understand that I don't wish you anything other than healing, happiness, and success. I am sorry if I upset you with my questions. I really want your situation to improve and only wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Lionheart7777

 

[FauxLiz]

Can you ask yourself if hating yourself is a fact or a thinking habit?

I don't really know the difference so I don't know how to answer. Could I look in the mirror and tell myself I love me, probably not. I avoid mirrors at all costs. Even when it comes to getting ready for work or to go out, all total I spend less than 5 minutes in front of a mirror and try to avoid actually looking at it. As for whether I am to blame for my current situation and past traumatic situations yes, I believe that I am. I made the decisions that put me in most places. I don't generally blame myself for what my brother did to me but I also struggle with acknowledging it, talking or writing about it yeah I guess blame myself for being there. All of my traumas were perpetuated by known individuals to me in or at places I consciously chose to be and in most cases in a mental and physical state that I intentionally created (I have spent a lot of my life trying to self-medicate my pain and anxieties away).

I appreciate your kindness and you didn't upset me but how does one separate themselves from the things that shaped who and what they have become?

 

[Lionheart]

I appreciate your kindness and you didn't upset me but how does one separate themselves from the things that shaped who and what they have become?

That is a very good question, especially if you didn't have a good sense of who you were before the trauma happened. I went to a trauma specialist for help. Fortunately for me, there is The Department for Traumatic Stress Research at the local university in the city where I live and I sought help there.

They helped me to separate myself from the trauma in the sense that I no longer blamed myself for the trauma happening regardless of any choices I made prior to that And I began to form an identity separate from the traumatic events. I don't know how to break down the process for you because I am not a therapist, but it seems to be a natural result of working on cognitively processing my trauma in therapy.

Wishing you the best,
Lionheart

 

[FauxLiz]

@Lionheart777 I get that and I am trying to find a trauma therapist I can work with, I had a complete failure with one, and one that I am possibly going to work with but honestly I have had a horrible experience with CPT in the past (therapist was inconsistent, unhelpful and really looking back not someone I really trusted) so I am terrified to start again with someone new. Last year I went inpatient at a trauma disorders program but insurance cut both opportunities short (3 weeks and then 2 weeks) and it was not enough time to process my multiple traumas.

 

[mlj6019]

I am very sorry to read about your daily struggles. It seems to me like you are a slave of fear and therefore in bondage. Somewhere deep down inside you is perhaps a scared little child that has experienced devastating trauma. First know, that who YOU are is a separate entity from this stronghold of bondage that seems to keep your feelings and emotions entrapped. I don’t know your connections with professional counselors but I would highly recommend you continue your search for the right one. I wish you all the best.