"The grass is always greener" does anyone else use death fantasy to cope with life?

[67_09]

I have been contemplating more than is usual lately. Mostly on the question-- why does death/ceasing to exist have such an attractive quality, to me?? Do I fantasize about the idea of death, because of the idea that suffering will "end"? Perhaps I have the mistaken idea, due to desire for what is on the "other side of the fence" & hasn't yet occurred.

For context, I have attempted suicide once, in which I lost 3 days and woke up in a hospital bed (did not know how/blacked out).

I think that what led me to that attempt, was the suicidal fantasies I used as an escape during stress. It started for me, as a child. I thought those thoughts were what "everyone" did when stressed, so I never told anyone (not even my psychiatrists).

I try to understand the thoughts because of how much power they held inside me. A month prior to my attempt, while visiting my "fiance", the thoughts became involuntary. Scenarios of ending my life would replay for hours, keeping me awake. I still never told anyone. At the time, I was in an abusive engagement where I would be exploited financially, and in other ways.

So even now, I look back...The thoughts were something which I used for comfort, but gradually grew into something much larger than me.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think about death not so much to cope with life exactly but to give myself a big kick in the arse to stop stuffing around and get things done mainly because I have a sense that I am running out of time. Which is true in one sense but not, as far as I know, dangerously imminently running out. That works for me so I suppose it is a use of the notion of death.

Other times I have thought about the totality of life and how insignificant the problems I have now are (to me) and how when I am dead they will mean nothing.

I have also fantasized about death to cope with getting through. You know, going in for the big sleep. However I do remember that there is no waking up. But I still do think about it. It's always my option of last resort and I will do literally anything to stop myself going there these days.

Not sure if this is what you mean.

 

[Briellewannabe]

Oh my god I'm not the only one. I genuinely thought everyone had suicidal thoughts/fantasies all the time. It was so strange to hear that people don't regularly fantasize about ending it whenever stressed or down. For me, they also began as a child. They were not always just thoughts or fantasies, however, as I did attempt (in very child-like ways) to kill myself starting at the age of 5. I mostly would just think about it, though. Sometimes they maybe got intense enough that I would act on it, but I really didn't know what I was doing.

As a kid, if I didn't do well at something--or sometimes in preparation of thinking I would not do well at something--I would remind myself I could always kill myself, and that would be okay. These thoughts got me through undergrad and still get me through stressful days at work and in my masters program. They are my #1 go-to thought when stressed or worried. No amount of therapy or practicing other coping skills seems to turn these automatic thoughts off. Somehow, it's very comforting... it's very easy, when everything else is so hard.

But I also know they can be dangerous. I know that my head is now wired to automatically think these thoughts after two decades of practice. And truthfully--I don't want them to go away. I feel that I need to know there will always be an option to end things.

 

[blackemerald1]

For me, they also began as a child.

Somehow, it's very comforting... it's very easy, when everything else is so hard.

I feel that I need to know there will always be an option to end things.

For me too.. I can recall childhood thoughts and moments where my concept of death seemed a viable alternative.

I think I get what you mean @Briellewannabe - but it's more of a comfort thought process, not an actual plan?

 

[Briellewannabe]

For me too.. I can recall childhood thoughts and moments where my concept of death seemed a viable alternative.

I think I get what you mean @Briellewannabe - but it's more of a comfort thought process, not an actual plan?

Yes, that's a good way to put it-- a comfort thought process. From time to time it might get more real, and I make inventory of all the options available to me, but not as a direct plan. Honestly, the couple times I've attempted I had not planned to... whatever I was battling in that moment took over. But generally, the suicide thoughts/fantasies are just a coping mechanism.

 

[ChildofGod]

Yes, and I have thought about it and attempted more than once. To me, I feel as though it will be the only thing that truly brings me peace. I won't be hurt by anyone anymore. Or hurt myself in the way I think about myself.