The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

And a bit loose with your boundaries too, it seems? I don't know, I'd be mad at my partner if he would defend/spend time with people who so obviously hurt me. I understand your frustration and sadness very well. So sorry that you have to deal with this situation.

Thank you darling @Juso! Yes that's when I get mad, when.he keeps defending them and excusing their shabby behaviours towards me in the past, and insisting that I forget and let go of the past.

And he puts blame on others, like himself, for the trigger/trauma of having to find out our baby was dead, already, for a month, stay in hospital overnight so I could have our dead foetus removed, all in my own, because his favourite neighbor friend, who he taught to drive and has done, more than most fathers would do for their grown up daughters, just didn't want to lend her car, and she had for other things, and she wasn't using.it, but me losing a baby wasn't important enough for her to help out.

He blames himself "I should gave just gotten out on the road and hitched, even if it took me all night" ...the point is, if she was such a good friend, why would he have had to? When his unborn infant was pronounced dead and his partner badly needed him?

That kind of callous one-sided friendship is not for me.


The problem is, we don't really have anyone. Now, he has a couple of male friends, that he works with/for, but back then, we had no one in town other than those neighbors, to ask a favour of.

And the mum/grandmum abused me on facebook, for the stupidest, most minor "hearsay" thing, years ago. She is basically the last straw reason I stopped using facebook, one of them, anyway.

She told me to "stay the hell away from her family" and it's not like I go near, or have ever gone near her family. Her family lobs on MY family.

My guy has gone up to talk to them and she wouldn't answer the door, I firgot why he went up, but it was about a job they wanted him to do. She wouldn't answer. Now, at the time, my guy was very, very ill, scarily, terribly ill, I thought he might have Lymes disease, and he was working up the coast, a very long drive, making stuff all money, and I was really, really worried and scared about his health. When he told me about going up and she wouldnt answer the door or talk to him, I simply said "What's with that?" And, unfortunately, her nephew (who is now in jail for assault) went up and said something that got her facebooking me with one hostle line "Stay the hell away from my family".

I never answeed or engaged because it was too hysterical, groundless and hostile and I have never done anything or invaded any of her families spaces, in fact only the opposite has happened because her nephew was down at my kid's and their Dad's house all the time, and at my guy's house and her daughter treats (DID treat, until I, eventually kicked.up a fuss) my guy like her personal assistant slash boyfriend. So yeah, I feel a bit justified, for not feeling like they are my friend's.

 

[Freida]

I never answeed or engaged because it was too hysterical, groundless and hostile and I have never done anything or invaded any of her families spaces,

These people are a train wreck. Plain and simple. I don't understand why your guy would put them before you -- because that is not right. You are much, much more patient than I am.

Maybe he feels sorry for them? Or thinks of them as some kind of penance?

 

[mumstheword]

These people are a train wreck. Plain and simple. I don't understand why your guy would put them before you -- because that is not right. You are much, much more patient than I am.

Maybe he feels sorry for them? Or thinks of them as some kind of penance?

It's got something to do with his Aspieness, something to do with his past relationships (he was subject to VERY possessive jealous and insecure women; BOTH the mother's of his children) and something to do with his ENORMOUS benevolent concern towards women.

These woman, he sees as very vulnerable and they trust him, and he values that, hugely.

I think he has a blind spot when it comes to the situation with me. Also, the rest of our neighbors are a nightmare, so he sees these one's as allies. The problem is, I don't.

Anyway, I think my girls are filling the gap for him, his need to have younger women to "look after". We had my oldest daughter over on the weekend, she stayed the night, on sunday. It was great :-). It was him who suggested she stay the night and we all enjoyed ourselves.

And yesterday, we had a lovely day, taking my youngest daughter to the orthodontist. They grabbed lunch (well I didn't, still fasting, although I did eat something small last night) he bought her an orchid, an.expensive orchid (he adores her, loves spoiling her, treats her like his own) and rhen, we went for a swim at a beach. The water was so warm! It was a lovely day! :-)

He seems to have forgiven me for my "rude" - see fed up, annoyed, cranky response when they came around with yet another crisis last week. I didn't know it was a crisis until it was all over. All I said was "S____'s in the shower." but of course it was the way I spoke - not happy.

I certainly was less happy at his lack of understanding and consideration.for me, but I forgive him. He is such an Aspie (like me) he doesn't "get" some things, social things, until he does, so I just have to wait for him to get it.

I told him, the miscarriage thing was a big deal for me.

There was a lot more to the miscarriage story that is utterly ghastly. But that let down,, that refusal to give any f*cks, was an utter kick in the guts.

Anyway, we had a lovely day yesterday:-).

I'm back in "the seventies", kilo's that is. I'm confident that my body is ready to lose the weight, so that's exciting!

We've spent lovely time with my two girls.:-).

We've had great "make up" sex :-).

AND, what's really GREAT? I don't have those fake "friends" slash neighbors bothering me anymore. :-)

I'll be courteous if they turn up, and I would like that there is more ro them than just what they want from my partner, but I can't afford to have people so close rhat just prey on a well meaning Aspie guy who's a little desparate for "friends".

They are so not legit. Dodgy, selfish, self interested people. Desparate, kind of drowning people. We can't afford to prop up such non caring and desparate people.


Maybe if they weren't drug dependants they would be more sensitive, but they are so like so many people around here and in the counter culture I am trapped in. And it's something I'm SO FED UP WITH!

Anyway I wanted to end on a positive note, not my bitchy, end-of-tether, cultural and community beefs note

So ....I'm glad my girls are getting on so well with my guy and that they are being lovely to me, too.:-)

Plus, my 20-year-old is just about ready to get his provisional license, and my 23 year old son (the one who got diagnosed with BDP) is doing really well, too.

He's started DJing, had a set at a party that went down really well. So he's doing really well, which I know about, not coz he's talking to me, but because my oldest daughter and he are close and she's talking to me. :-).

But that's good isn't it? My darling, oldest, daughter and I are talking, lots :-).

 

[mumstheword]

I know the trigger goes back to betrayal and neglect from my mum and my ex. The callous disregard for my wellbeing, when I'm the depths of despair, after rape, when terribly ill and in pain, and then, after losing our, very wanted baby. Lack of care like that, when I'm that devastated, is a big trigger for me.
And then, them wanting, wanting, wanting, more, more, more, for themselves, after being so utterly self interested and callous. THAT'S the trigger.
I know I am utterly nothing to them, just a means.
It's callous to the point of narcissistic, and SO not trustworthy.
That my guy makes excuses for her and her mother, makes me wild.
It's because he pities them, yes, the father of her kid's is a violent, drug dealer, jailbird and ice addict.
They don't have a trustworthy bloke to do blokey things for them, so he offered.
I know she, they, have been exploiting him for his generosity of spirit, his positive "sexism" that wants to fill in the gap for a single mother and her aging, housebound mother.

 

[mumstheword]

He's too good for them, even.though he's had a "checkered" past. His Autism and the rough, Canberra scene he got involved with because of being a pothead, as a youngster, has made him susceptible to dodgy people, but he isn't one.

He got stabbed in the neck when he was 18, simply standing up to some bullies at a crowded beach.He's kind of heroic.

He and I, have both learnt fawny behaviour, as a result of trauma.I feel like this neighbor thing is a residual fawny dynamic and he's drawn me into it.

I can't, I just can't do that anymore. That's one of the reasons I isolate. I can't, fully, trust myself not to be fawny.

 

[Freida]

I can't, I just can't do that anymore. That's one of the

Can you think of them as an opportunity to practice your non-fawny skills?
Since they don't really matter to you maybe they could be good examples for you on how to stand up for yourself???

 

[mumstheword]

Can you think of them as an opportunity to practice your non-fawny skills?
Since they don't really matter to you maybe they could be good examples for you on how to stand up for yourself???

Woh scary proposition, that is, @Freida.

I certainly could if given the opportunity, I guess. But at the moment, I have what I want. They have left us alone. I managed to stand up for myself, with my guy and the outcome is, that they've stopped. So I'm happy about that.

I don't believe I would be fawny to them, now, because I'm not looking for anything from them, I just want the chance to be not be ignored, if they turn up, not shmoozed at, either, as the mother/grandmother is prone to do with me, and ignored by the daughter. I felt constricted by my guy, coz he won't be up front with them, and won't communicate to me, about what's gone down between them. So, it's like he's wanted to keep them at arms length, but also encouraged them to call on him anytime of the day or night, so it's just made it awkward between us.

He's said now "Well YOU talk to them" instead of yelling at me, to NOT say anything to them, previously, but, to be honest? I've got no interest or desire to talk to them, coz I've got what I want. I just wanted my peace, my privacy and a sense of control about who's coming over, if they want to turn up whenever THEY want to, then they will have to take into account that I live here and I'm not ok with it. At least, how it was, out of control, like it was. Even my guy has now admitted, it was tiresome and he didnt like it, either.

But now, they seem to have gotten the message, loud and clear.
Maybe, if they come back, I will try to confront the issue, but my Aspie brain HATES that idea.

 

[Freida]

Maybe, if they come back, I will try to confront the issue, but my Aspie brain HATES that idea.

:laugh: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I start my group tomorrow.

I'm hoping it helps me with my social confidence.

Also, confronting icky, sexual abuse in childhood, issues. Stuff I've kept at bay, been VERY dissociated from.

But it's interesting, every time I've been up there, to "Heartfelt House", where the group is held, I've felt kind of safe and concurrently, really emotional, like I-have-to-fight-back-the-tears emotional.

I'm feeling a little nervous, I guess, but, also, ready to face this stuff; stuff that's been pushed so far down, but has affected me and influenced me, enormously.

 

[somerandomguy]

Good luck Mums. :hug:

 

[Freida]

You've got this!

 

[mumstheword]

So my first group knocked me for six, energywise. Mind you, I fasted a bit too long and that didn't help.
I liked the group though. All we did was establish safety parameters, really, and get some work sheets and a journal/scrapbook and introduce ourselves. You know, all the stuff, confidentiality, no judgement, no unsolicited advice giving, no explicit language, be resposible for your own triggers, etc. etc. yada yada yah.

I'm pretty well, overall, comparatively, creeping along, progress wise, emotionally not too bad, in other words, I can't really complain, I'm better than I've been, and also sad and stuck and lost and pinning my hopes on this group helping, a lot.

I wish things were different, as in, I feel so sad and hopeless about my situation, in some ways, but I also nurse a small flame of hope and I'm still very happy in my relationship and grateful that I have someone.

I'm pretty disappointed and scared, about people, a lot.

But I feel fiercely passionate about persevering, in terms of pushing for my Autism diagnosis (I think I need a lot of money for that, which, I don't have) and being in a position to advocate for those of us, especially woman and girls, who are being neglected, misdiagnosed, underemployed and over disadvantaged, due to our disability and our society's failure to recognise it and provide necessary supports and services.

I know we can be odd, clunky, different, unassuming, hard to connect with and kind of invisable, but WE ARE here and we are struggling and being misunderstood and under utilized, a great deal.
Here is a document that was put together, that describes the plight of lots of us Australian Autistic females