The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

But I feel fiercely passionate about persevering, in terms of pushing for my Autism diagnosis (I think I need a lot of money for that, which, I don't have) and being in a position to advocate for those of us, especially woman and girls, who are being neglected, misdiagnosed, underemployed and over disadvantaged, due to our disability and our society's failure to recognise it and provide necessary supports and services.

This makes me so very, very happy for you! :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm having a lot of terrible dreams lately. Dreams about terrible things happening to my daughters.
Last night it was about my youngest daughter being eaten by crocodiles.

Then, I woke up to my guy getting very angry at my kid. Majorly triggery.

Then a horrific screaming episode from one of my overwrought neighbors, nothing unusual, but I have to live like this day in and day out.

I'm feeling that everything is sad, hopeless, horrific and untrustworthy. I'm not having a good day, at all. My illness is definitely getting the better of me, lately.


Lucky I have group on thursday and a phone appointment with my trauma councellor next.monday.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

? Sweet, Precious (((Lil Mums)) ?
You are an exquisite and BEAUTIFUL example of someone who REFUSES to give up, no matter what comes your way and how badly you want to give up and give in to the complete and utter exhaustion you are in! ((( LOVE AND HUGS))) Even your subconscious is fighting for you in your dreams. YOU WILL WIN THIS WAR!!! God has GOOD stuff in store for you... I PROMISE.. And so has he!

I know it might be hard to absorb these words, but I KNOW them to be true! You have shown us who you are and I/we will tell you the TRUTH of who you are!

You are A LOVING MUM whose children KNOW will do ANYTHING for them and they know that! To me, raising a child who knows that, is one of the MOST IMPORTANT things a parent can do, as you raise a human being that contributes to the world! Each one of your babies has gifts to give the world and IT'S YOU who will ALWAYS be there for them... Cheering them on... Being an example of one who NEVER gives up!

I pray that your next sleep will be restorative and that the images left by the nightmare will dissipate quickly.??????

I have wondered...I don't think I asked, but does your man have a problem saying "no" in general, not only to this neighbor from hell? I had that problem, but am a recovering codependent. I always felt responsible to help if I had a way to help those who asked. Being unable to say no is hard on everyone involved Except the one who benefits.? I felt like if I saw the need, then God "wanted" me to help. Now I know that we are sometimes shown the need so we can pray in an intercessory way. (IMO)

I love and admire you, (((Dear Sweet Friend))) You ARE an inspiration to me as you fight each battle in this war on your psyche and your soul. YOU ARE WINNING! ??????????

?????MANY HUGS AND BLESSINGS BEING SENT TO YOU from ME!!!?????

 

[Freida]

You are an exquisite and BEAUTIFUL example of someone who REFUSES to give up, no matter what comes your way and how badly you want to give up and give in to the complete and utter exhaustion you are in! ((( LOVE AND HUGS))) Even your subconscious is fighting for you in your dreams. YOU WILL WIN THIS WAR!!! God has GOOD stuff in store for you... I PROMISE.. And so has he!

This!!!! Print it and put it on your mirror so you see it every morning. You are much tougher than your ptsd. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Lovely messages @AngelkeeperJ and @Freida. They really helped, so thank you! So much!
I'm much, much better. After crying much of yesterday and yelling and fighting with my man friend, and then making up (after nearly breaking up) I am good, we are good, and no more horrific dreams!

I aso did my homework prep for group tomorrow. I'm sure some of how I've been feeling was due to the beginning of unearthing feelings around the early sexual abuse and rapes.

I still find it very hard to separate the traumatic effects of sexual abuse from the anger and grief towards and about my ma. I'm not entirely sure what that is about. I plan to untangle that stuff though.
I did do some blogging about my birth today and it sparked feelings of empathy and compassion.towards her. So, I think that is a little progressive.

I think that the feelings of aloneness, no support after abuse were worse than the abuse itself. It was the terrible desolute sense of betrayal and of no options. Wanting somewhere to escape to, someone to comfort me and there being no one, FOR SO LONG!

That is very painful for me.

Abuse and being preyed on was a given, for me, I didn't question that or expect any better or more, but I knew mum's were supposed to care, and mine didn't and THAT I am still having trouble coming to terms with.

Maybe she did and does, but she is just terrible, at showing it? Maybe she's autistic, like me? Or just really selfish and lazy or apathetic towards me? I don't know and I'm obsessing over it, a bit.

I am beginning to realise that me being an autistic kid couldn't and wouldn't have been easy. It wasn't easy for me, so why would it have been for her? But the constant uprooting? The constant different boyfriends and changes in location? The bullying? The leaving me with strangers, for many months on end, on numerable occasions?obviously it was easy enough to do that to me and not fear repercussions with my behaviour. So I'm thinking I was exploitable and easy to disregard the needs of, and not so "difficult" as she has told me, on numerous occasions.

She was the worst kind of mother, for an autistic girl. It was complete chaos and I was constantly terrified and unsettled. I was utterly disregarded and treated with contempt.

Rapes and sexual abuse were the least of my worries, until I thought it was going to be raped and murdered. Then, I settled for a sociopathic narcissist, after all, not much different than what I'd been used to. He was a charismatic criminal who wanted a child to mold, to have sex with, to make him look good, to enslave and to elevate himself through, with no regard for me, other than my usefulness to him.

 

[mumstheword]

I am so knocked for six! Again!
Last week, after group, I blamed the too- many-days-of-fasting. But it wasn't what spaced me and sent me feeling super out there and knocked-for-six. What sent me out there and why I'm so bluuuuughhhh is doing the group. It's very heavy going.

Last week I was too spaced and dissociative and I had no energy to even come here, for days and days.

Just now, today (I just got home, after group) I nearly collapsed when I got home. I had to lie down and focus on simply breathing. Standing up and moving around is still hard.
This group thing is stirring things up and it's HARD!
I'm having to pack the stuff back away after pulling it out in group and I'm barely keeping a lid on it.

Only sixteen weeks of the group to go. It better be worth it.

We looked at how we, often and customarily, minimize and sent out abuse.
After the group...
First the first time ever. I found myself thinking and not minimizing and denying. ...

I was sexual abused as a child.

Now, I just have to process and deal with the feelings that that brings up.

 

[Freida]

I was sexual abused as a child.

Now, I just have to process and deal with the feelings that that brings up.

So very, very brave of you!!! :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

YOU ARE SO VERY BRAVE!!! The courage is in getting back up no matter what knocks you down. That is YOU. @mumstheword

(I think brave people don't feel brave during the battle)

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you, again @Freida and @Angelkeeper.:-)

I'll admit, I don't feel brave, at the moment, I feel wrecked!
I'm stunned at how much doing the group, which is about opening up, and focusing on the early abuse is affecting me in my body.

It's like a mild flu! Super tired, headachey, spaced out, zero morivation.

I'm not loving it!

I also have major memory blocks, which are very disturbing, but I guess the memories are blocked for a reason.

Questions; what happened to send the guy mum was seeing, into the psych hospital? (This was very early, I was maybe 3?) I remember us visiting him, in the hospital, but nothing else.

Why is mum now denying that I was drugged with mushrooms at 3?

What sent my mother psychotic, when I was 2.5? She has never admitted to it, but my Dad told me.

Was it all just drug related?

If it was because of drugs, what was happening to me, when they were out of it, and why would drugging a tiny child, with poweful hallucinogenic mushrooms be acceptable parenting?

Why do I feel.like I was sexually abused then, but have no clear memories of it?

It feels slightly gaslighty. I'm trying to remember, but all it's doing is making my head hurt and making me dissociate. I can't even.function, I'm that spaced out.

 

[mumstheword]

Living here, sounds like living, in a children's psych ward cross adult acute high care psych ward. On a daily basis, either children or adults SCREAM, yell and shreak.

The other part is nature, which I like; crickets, cicardas, birds, wind, frogs, possums, geckos; lovely sounds.

The former sounds are very bad for my mental health, the latter sounds are very good for it.

Nearly all the people living around me are indigenous people, and they sound very, very unhappy.

Listening to them makes me feel unhappy.
I hide inside my little house.

It's not good for my health, but they frighten me.
It's not because they are indigenous, it's because they are abusive, loud, and very inconsiderate.
Plus lots of the indigenous people are drug and alcohol affected and they have yuck attitudes.
I'm white. I'm a social sensitive and I've experienced plenty of vicarious abuse by indigenous people and lots of first hand familial abuse, lots of sexual abuse and violence, as a child and teen and a ton of emotional abuse by significant others. Really really bad emotional abuse and deprivation and destructive mind torture. I went psychotic from it and so did my autistic son.

I realised today, I've been broken, socially and emotionally broken since I was tiny; Autism plus all that, has made a mess of me.
Life has been an uphill battle and I'm so spent, I'm really broken. I could mend, maybe a lot, but living here is slowly killing my spirit after everything.

Maybe I can learn to grow an emotional callous? So it stops tearing me up inside.

I want to live in nature, just nature. I know I could heal then. But here? I'm struggling to do anything at all and I'm so, so tired and demoralized.

 

[mumstheword]

Positives;

I really, really like the painting I've been working on.

I'm still, madly, in crazy love, with my true love.

I AM healing! It might be slow going, with lots of hiccups, but IT IS HAPPENING.

I have good therapeutic support.

My kid's seem to all.be ok, in varying degrees, but still, ok.

I have plans, dreams and goals.

I'm not having to slog, so hard, to survive anymore, I'm just having to be patient with the aftermath of having to struggle so hard, for so long, to keep me and my kid's alive and together.

I'm finally dealing with stuff, rather than just be chronically dissociated, all the time.

It's good that I didn't have a baby, I wouldn't like to raise one here, in this environment.

We are close to the bush, so it shouldn't be too hard to get INTO the bush.

I now know about my Autism, which means I understand myself better.

 

[mumstheword]

Sometimes it all feels futile and I stop awhile, and look for purpose

It's not too hard, love is at hand, and leads me on

My body insists on being heard, though, and it's still a frightened animal

Habits are hard to break, no, don't say that, say change is a constant, intent in powerful, little inroads can make new routes, be open and Present

I have many challeges it's true, but I'm not one, never one, to give up on myself, still I'm a turtle, a terrapin, or a tortoise, I have a shell and pull in when threatened, moving slow, not showy, anymore, when I used to be a Lioness. Now I want water, earth, rocks, shells, wood, and fresh air.

Can I still roar? Yes, but attention draws the hunters, not food or shelter, so I morphed, I'm much closer to the earth now, I can hear her heart beat, I want to get closer still, I want to feel earth, with my hands, my toes, my soles molding to her fetid, fecund, moist and fertile mud and clay, I want to play and sing and touch earth everyday.