Thanks heaps
@somerandomguy and
@Freida :-). Yes I am certainly "in recovery" and the "fruits" of that are evidence.
We went down to my ex's a couple of days ago.
Since my oldest daughter left her dad's earlier this year, after a series of heartbreaking interchanges with her dad and siblings, and more than her fair share of adversities and health problem's, she has been asking and receiving quite a lot of support from myself and my darling bf.
We helped her move and then, when that place became unviable ( the need for renovation's forced her out) we supported her while she found a new place.
Part of that was in the form of picking up a sewing table and bringing it back, to leave at her dad's, as her new place is too small to accomodate it.
So, instead of avoiding going down to my ex's as I've been prone to do, due to "symptoms", previously; I went with my guy, to drop off the table.
My ex (see abuser) opened the door and invited me in. I went in, not because I wanted to see him or talk to him, at all, but because I was eager for the opportunity to spend any amount of time with any of my children. Gradually they filtered out of their rooms and I set about investigating their wellbeing and attending to what I could.
My middle son, the one who was diagnosed with BPD, who has recently stopped taking xanax, is struggling with a lot, still. He is, however, open to me, in a way he wasn't before.
It turns out he is in a detox program and they have him on benzos while he stabalizes off the xanax, but his recent split up with, as it turns out, quite an abusive girlfriend, who is still living in the house, is adding a huge amount if stress to his already very anxiety-provoking life.
He had lost his diazapam script and so I told him, I had a benzo script to fill myself and could tied him over until his Dr appointment the folllowing day.
Long story short, we ended up driving into the large, 1/2 hr away town-next-door to pick up the script with my two other sons, oldest son and 20 year old, who is currently learning to drive.
Bare in mind that this has NEVER happened before! Going out with my three grown up son's?
That is something, a year ago, I would have said "Yeah, I doubt that will EVER happen". But I hoped it would.
We had a positive time of it and when they dropped me home, they came in for a bit and I had a brilliant talk and time with my darling sons. My middle son is actually in a pretty good mindset, far more empowered and well than my oldest son, who is still quite withdrawn and lost and obviously depressed.
Middle son expressed that, although he forgives me, for leaving, he is still hurting and knows that we need to build our relationship, for his healing, and said he wanted to visit soon (YAY!!!!! :-))
I got to hug my grown up boy-men, a lot!
My Trauma T, says I have a better relationship with my kid's than many parents who have never experienced estrangement.
Certainly, it's something I've hoped and prayed for and care about, very much.
I was open about being in a group therapy program for survivors of childhood sexual trauma, not any details, but, I managed to let them know it wasn't anyone in our family that had done anything to me (I don't have to mention their dad because it's obvious, I was little more than a child when he got me pregnant) but seeing as my ex has told them horrible lies about my stepfather, when I left, fighting for my life, I was glad I could clear his name.
I was also open about my Autism. I don't know what they think about that, but at least they know.
I feel exhausted today, I slept half the day. My man and I are going through a lot because his son's mother is an untreated cluster B abuser and she has turned the abuse to his youngest son, the young man I spent the last ten.years helping to raise, and she has been.systematically destroying his life and devestating him and both of them are ringing my guy and it's been VERY triggery, because I grew up with a untreated borderline mother myself as well as similar narcissistic abuse from my ex until I nearly died of it and fled at 37.
The abuse had me on the run at 15-16, from my mum and then after 20 years ensnared by a pedo who got me pregnant 7 times, at 37.
Now my step son is on the run from it and has to find a new place to.live while he studies and keeps his apprenticeship job as a mechanical engineer.
I saw the abuse texts his mum wrote to my guy, about her own son and they made me cry and feel SO ANGRY at her. She is one mean, bitter, nasty, lady.
I did know that already, because, she has physically assaulted me when she tried to split me and my guy up, back in 2013, but her youngest has been in fawn mode toward her and, now, can't deny how ill she is anymore, as he is getting the full scale abuse treatment from her now.
I hope she gets some professional treatment, but I very much doubt she will, cluster B's rarely do.
